I don't get it and I shouldn't have to anymore.  I've been living in the same house as my family for the past 6 months and I still don't get along with my step-father.  It's the same issues that we had growing up, but this time I'm actually trying to bend to his will instead of fighting it like I used to.  He recently made it clear that he is the Alpha Male of the household and I have respected that ever since and he still treats me as if I don't exist.  I got back from a recent trip to Albany last night and he has yet to say a single word to me.  I used to think that I've been attempting to gain my mother's approval all these years, but I've had her's all along.  It's his approval that I've wanted all along and I will never get it.  Still, I should be satisfied with this cold war, at least there's no open aggression between us anymore.  At least it creates peace on the surface and reduces the stress on my little sister who's been having stomach issues that they still can't figure out, but they think may be related to stress.  So for the little sisters, for the good of the family, I will maintain the status quo.  If something blows up and goes nuclear, it could and probably will lead to me being kicked out onto the streets with nowhere to go but down.  What I need is a deterrent.  What kept the cold war going for so long without it going to nuclear war was Mutually Assured Destruction, what can I get on him that will cause him to loose as much as me if the situation should erupt? 

Feeling SO low

Damn, I'm feeling like shit.  Lower than low.  I know why, you know why.  Why else?  I just can't seem to shake it.  I try things that would normally have made me feel better, but I just can't help but feel guilty ALL the time.  Maybe it's the lingering loneliness.  Maybe it's the realization that I've finally used up all of my friends, that I've never really matured beyond high school.  Maybe it's exactly what we all know it is, and there's no reason for me to complain.  I brought it on myself and I could fix it, if I really wanted to put in the effort.  But I don't, I guess.  I don't know what I want except to crawl into my own personal hell and ferment into the bitter old man I can only hope to become.  I know thinking about tomorrow always helps me when I'm feeling like shit today.  Let's see, I have the rest of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday before payday.  Two and a half days.  I can do it.  Then what comes of payday?  Who cares.  At least I'll have money.  Then I can have happiness for a few hours and spend the rest of the week waiting till payday.  Meh, it's what I do I guess. 

Now my issue is that I have only two cigarettes to last me two and a half days.  My options are this: sell the two video games I bought in November to the pawn store for maybe $20 when I paid $100 for them initially, or borrow money.  What to do?  I should sacrifice the video games instead of borrowing money.  I know it's the right thing to do.  I've put them on Craig's List hoping to get $50 out of them, but so far no calls or emails, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a walk to the pawn store, which is most of the way to Wal*Mart and it's raining out.  I don't really want to settle for $20 for both of them.  Of course if I do get the $20, then I can buy cigarettes and enough junk food to eat myself into a food coma.  That's probably the best thing to do. *sigh*

What fallows is a draft from a couple of years ago.  This was dealing with Mehgan who turned out to be a really good friend.  And all was exactly what it seemed.  She needed someone to hang out with and I needed it too.  She taught me the value of platonic friendship and introduced me to her brother that turned out to be the best male friend I've ever had.  Then she and her brother moved away.  Leaving me with memories and lessons and a step closer to realizing that there is probably no Happily Ever After.


Do Not Publish until issue is resolved. Don't let yourself get hurt again. This isn't going to be like A or M, this is going to be like AE. This is going to be all the irrational imaginings of happily ever after with no pay out at all except for another empty space in my heart. This is all really irrational and I guess I have to run with it. But whenever I meet a potential girl I fill with hope then the inevitable disappointment. This will end badly. For the love of god, please, please don't invest yourself any further. If something was going to happen, it would have happened all ready. You're better chance at Happily Ever After was that hooker at the store. But she's told you that it's absurd for us to be together. She's struck with the L desease hard. And you fill a need for her. It sucks to be alone all the time and you're somebody to hang out with. You try to show affection and she brushes it off or pushes it away. Think about it. You're biggest arguments saying that she likes you are the way she passes the pipe to initiate touch, even though she never grabs the pipe back that way in return. Your other argument is a comment she made yesterday about how I really pick up on subtle signals. She could have been saying the opposite too. She could have been saying, please, pick up on my signals for you to go away. I understand her motives for wanting me around and she should have no guilt over the way I feel for her because she said that there is nothing between us. Then she basically initiates a date for tomorrow. Again this is most likely her just wanting someone to do stuff with. It would suck to go to the movies alone. Imagine the scene, you're sitting there in the movie and you take her hand, she jumps looks at you funny and you've lost another friend. Of course she doesn't like you. She's a LESBIAN and she's told you that. Remember this. Please, I know you're trying to grasp at hope, but it's not going to happen. Think of it this way, it cannot end good. Either you say something to her about the feelings and she's incredibly offended and hates you forever; or at the very least wants to hang out with you less and tells everyone at work how weird you are for even thinking something so absurd, or maybe she calls you a stalker. Or you continue to hang out like you are with her hiding these feelings that will only grow worse and more obsessive and live the next however much time hoping for something that will never, never, never, never be. Or you tell her and she actually does like you and maybe you get an amazing girlfriend. But I promise that won't happen. Because it doesn't happen that way. You don't deserve happiness. You want it, but you don't deserve it. But wanting it, it makes you deserve it even less.

This blog will never die . . .

So after the most recent talk w/ my family I've fully resolved every issued raised.  I now do ALL my own dishes, I feed the dog and don't bitch about walking the extra 20 feet to put the cup back in the bin of dog food, I've kept my bathroom sprall to a minimum, the one bit of public area that I claim has been kept impecably clean, and I've reduced my usage of their computer to a half hour a day which I've kept to.  I even take out the trash and watch their dog whenever they need me to.  Then why do I still feel unwelcome in the house?  Why do I still stay in my room 20 or so hours every day?  I don't know.  I still feel that I have to be invited to participate in family activities and even coming downstairs to watch a little TV in the evenings seems awkward.  Maybe it's because I don't really want to be part of this family.  I'm still wrestling with my own demons and I'm mostly content to spend my days in my room.  Still, it's often a lonely existence.  Should I just relax?  Probably.  Like I've been told again and again in life by people who have known me and completely different places and times: just chill.  So maybe that's just what I'll do.  Just relax and do my own thing and know that when I feel comfortable to come out of my shell, my family will be there to embrace me into their fold. . . yeah right.

I'm waiting for the day when my Unemployment runs out and they smile as they kick me out to the street again.  Do I really have to make such a huge personal sacrifice to validate my long held suspicions that they actually don't give a fuck about me?  Yeah.  I know I need something drastic to break me from this cycle. Still, I have a few months of unemployment left and maybe, just maybe, something will come along and I'll be on track in life.  This time more experienced and better equipped to deal with the challenges and to recognize the opportunities.

Okay, so not really . . .

So I thought this blog was dead, but I think I've changed my mind.  This blog has been too much a part of my life for too long to give up on it just like that.  Unlike most of my friends who seem to have abandoned me, I do not abandon things that are important to me.  Right now I'm feeling really lonely, probably the result of having spent the entire day in my room, save a couple of hours this morning where I watched the dog.  I just couldn't think of a good reason to come down stairs today.  I came down for lunch, and I came down to smoke a cigarette just to get out of the confines of my room.  Okay, so maybe I should have gone for that walk that I've been talking about for days, maybe I could have gone apply for some jobs, but some days you just don't feel like doing anything and today was one of those days.  I wish someone would reach out to me and say Hi, I'm happy that you exist.  For now, I just feel like a burden on everyone.  Like coming down stairs to be part of the family would somehow infringe upon their time as a family.  That's why tomorrow, I'll spend the day in my room again, doing nothing except for playing video games and praying to a god that I'm not sure exists to please, oh please end my loneliness.  Okay, tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be, right?

This blog is dead . . . (maybe)

I was laying awake last night, with death on my mind and I realized the usefullness of this blog has worn out.  It was intended to be a vehical of self improvement and dumping ground for my innermost thoughts for the world to judge.  Now my innermost thoughts have become too disturbed for the general public and this blog is in the hands of my family and former coworkers.  In a bad economy, when I'm struggeling to find a job, any job, this could be used against me in a very bad way.  So on that note, this blog is dead.  I will now send my thoughts into the world in a series of actual notebooks that will be read, and hopefully distributed, only upon my death.  Still a hope for posthumous fame, but in this life I am not destined for greatness. 

For those who discover this in later years, I will put in my will that my death be announced here and what can be deciphered of my written text be posted here. 

Thank you for everything.  This has provided a creative outlet for me through the years when I still felt I had creativity left in me. 

And who knows, this may simply be the result of a late night existential crisis and I could be back tomorrow.