Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released on the west coast in less than seven hours. I'm not sure if I want this post to be about the books or my journey with them. What I'm silently concerned about is if my obsessive fandom is

All your life you're told to be yourself but what happens when you realize nobody likes the real you? Then you realize that in your quest for the real you, you've lost the will to be anything else. I guess that's the point that you come to the inevitable conclusion that you will be alone for the rest of your miserable existence. That your social ineptness is simply not something that can be compensated for.

You know that even in the depths of your whining monologue that somebody will come along again. And you know that when somebody new comes along you will again find some way to sabotage it.

I'm sitting at the computer begging the universe for something to do. My life go stagnant so I decided to go into a self improvement kick, and I've actually stayed off soda since Thursday. The trouble is, even when I loose a hundred pounds (and I know I'll do it eventually) and I'm back to my idea weight buying clothes at normal stores again, I'll still be left alone. I don't think better looks will necessarily improve my situation, it seems I had better looks in high school and it didn't get me very far. But I always said that if I had the knowledge of today with the looks of five years ago than I would be able to get a girlfriend. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, but finally I get to try. Another weird accomplishment, I ate a normal sized meal: three scrambled eggs, two pieces of rye toast and a big glass of milk, and I was full. I haven't been full off of that in a long time. Now the key is to keep it going. I don't have big elaborate goals for myself right away, I have the eventual goal of reaching two hundred pounds, but I need to focus on one thing at a time. So I'm no longer eating within two hours of bed, and I haven't had a soda except for a half a glass first thing in the morning since Thursday. I know nobody cares, and I should really stop talking about it, but for the first time in a while I feel . . . . what do I feel, validated? No not validated, normal? No, no that either. I guess I just feel proud of myself, like I'm worthy of something that I wasn't worthy of before.

Two posts in a row, who knew that I had so much time on my hands. Anyway, today is going to be a change of pace. I've recently discovered bit torrents and now I'm able to download all those movies that I always meant to see. I think my summer project after the Harry Potter thing dies down will be to see AFI's top 100 movies. So today I started with Citizen Kane. With out further rambles from an intoxicated mind, here are my thoughts on the movie:

The first thing I noticed about Citizen Kane is that this is a beautiful film. I love the camera angles, low points in Kane's life shot from low angles, like the camera is on the floor. Aside from the camera angles I found that black and white film provides for ambiance that I've never seen in color film.

Okay, so it's a great movie and that was my attempt to remember how to write. I guess I forgot more than I thought. Anyway, it was a beautiful movie with rich characters and an engaging plot. The trouble is, the entire movie is set in turn of the century America. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot identify with these characters. Sure they're polite and honorable, but they're but another reminder of what society has become. Ruthless hedonists run our country and our freedoms rotting away like trash abandoned on the expressway to Hell.

My little sister's asked about me this morning and what I was doing for the 4th of July. The thought of somebody caring enough about me to ask what I was doing on a holiday really put tears to my eyes. I know it's not true, but it hit that I have zero self confidence. I'm confident in what I do, but not in myself. My self immage is of a fat, ugly looser with a bad attitude that nobody can tollerate. I know this is a false immage, but it must be what I really am or else it wouldn't put tears to my eyes simply because my sister's asked what I was doing. *sigh* It's okay though, because I cannot cry under any circumstances. Crying as an almost 22 year old man is simply unacceptable. If there's somebody out there reading this please leave a comment so I know that somebody give a fuck.

What if in an instant all your financial obligations were taken care of and money no longer became an issue? What would you be left with? That sinking feeling that this is all just pointless. We all learn in high school science that in nature the purpose of life is to create more life. My real father created me and then died 14 years later, a victim to alcohol, without ever coming to my rescue. These are just random thought of a lonely mind. I ask you, is there anybody out there? Friends let you down and as I get older and older with my purity still in tact I realize that sex is not worth it. So what motivation do I have to keep going? What gets me up every morning to go to work? I have no goals in life, I have no purpose, the reason I go to work is simple. I go because I have to. I'm not prepared to face the consequences of not going to work. And even if I didn't go to work, I would still sit around and left life pass me by. So I ask again:

What's the point of anything?

I know it's been almost a month since I've last posted, and honestly I don't know why I bother. Right now I'm sitting at home all alone, bored to death, though I have plenty to do. It's amazing, I have PS2, XBox 360, a huge selection of movies and a fast computer with the entire Internet open to me, and I'm sitting here feeling so goddamed lonely. I know I've written about loneliness a hundred times in this blog and if there is anybody left out there who reads this, I'm sure you don't care anymore. Hell, I don't even care any more. What's scary is that as sad and lonely as I feel right now, I can't think of a single thing that would lift me out of this depression that wouldn't send me into a deeper one in a few hours. I guess I can sit here alone and get drunk, but intoxication is slowly loosing it's appeal to me. Life seems too short and even if I could live forever, there would still be no point. God I'm so sorry on so many levels for so many things. I don't know any more. Is there anybody out there that cares about my poor lonely soul, or have I burned all those bridges? And even if there was somebody out there who cared, would it really make a difference? *sigh* Maybe I will get drunk and drown in a pool of my own vomit. I'm sure that won't really happen, but for the first time in a long time that seems just as appealing as anything else. Maybe it's simply a lack of weed. Maybe I'm so addicted to that supposedly non-addictive substance that I feel suicidal without it? Or maybe the reason I'm feeling depressed is that my roommate still isn't home. I know I'm not his baby sitter and he's not accountable to me, but it would sure be nice to talk to someone right now. Really anyone would do. I've been burying myself ion Harry Potter for the past few months living in a fantasy world, but it seems that the world I escape to is just as hollow and unfufilling as the world I escape from. Oh I don't know, maybe a drink would do me good. I think I'll try that and get back to you guys in a few minutes if that doesn't help.

The same thing every day, week after week until someday I just won't wake up. I know it's been a long time since I've posted and I only have two minutes at best, but right now life seems so futilely finite it's ridiculous. It seems that all I want to do is sit and home and watch TV but I feel guilty because it's the same thing I always do. Plus as of right now I have maybe two more life times left to live if I'm lucky and less than one if I continue as I am, with overeating, too much smoking and other things. God it all seems to hopeless.

Awaken from a night of drinking with co-workers that saw many a thing go wrong. Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong. I was a little more social than usual, but I don't think I did anything horrendous. But I wake up and I'm still alone, and that is truly okay only because it has to be okay, it's one of those things that if they weren't okay, then they'd be unbearable. Really, still perpetually alone at 21, you'd think I'd give up, and I thought I did, and I think I will again. At some point I have to realize that the risk is no longer worth the reward. How many times do I have to be rejected, it's as if God himself hates me and wishes me to suffer.

And by the way, this thing with Cassie was just hugely disapointing, she had a fucking boyfriend. How fucked up is that? She didn't mention that to me, and by the time I learned that I was already obligated to stay overnight. So guess what I got to do? I got to sleep on the couch while Cassie and her boyfriend slept across that room (I thought they had a bedroom.) So I woke up before anybody and walked my way out of her life. It was great knowing her, and maybe I didn't take the opportunities that presented themselves, but I cannot know her without knowing her, so yeah it was a great run. But that's okay (again one of those things.)

So another trip to Eugene and I realize that I'm not 19 any more. Maybe I was never 19, that year was sacrificed to Job Corps in search of maturity and acceptance. The point being, I don't have to be wild and drink 'till I puke every night, I don't have to go on wild adventures across unfamiliar terrain in search of herbal sustenance. So maybe I never had the wild years of partying that most people enjoy between 18 and 21 when everything is new. You're not quite an adult, but you can do whatever you want. But I don't think I'm going to mourn for something I've never had, I like feeling like I'm 30 even though I'm only 21. I love being an adult, with bills to pay, taxes, a job, health insurance. I even love the responsibility of being a Senior Rep. in my personal corner of Hell. So goodbye to those years that were never really mine, good bye to parties and mindless wandering. I'd love to say I'll miss you, but you were never really mine.