I had a dream where I met myself as a toddler. It was almost as if I were my real father in the dream. I came upon a group of kids, I asked them their names and none of them were me. Then I saw a little pudgy kid sitting by himself in the corner of the sand box and I asked him his name and he said "jason." But he said it with such little conviction that I have to type it without a capital letter. He looked scared and lonely, but when I said "hi" he smiled at me.



This might be because I'm still mildly hung over, but that seems like a significant dream. Especially the day after Father's day. Like it was a gift from my dead father telling me that he really did try to be my savior, or at least he wanted to.

"Love in any sense means complete acceptance of an other's faults. It means seeing somebody at their worst and loving them not despite it, but because of it. "

This is from my Aug 26, 2007 entry, right in the middle of the perpetual loneliness thing that I'm moving back into. Talking to Jamie today I realized that though A insisted differently, I really was in love.

Here is Jamie's definition of love:

Caa: You just know. You think of losing them and you want to hug them close and not let go ever and you get so scared that you end up clinging on too tight. that's how u know

Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe I knew it so well on an intellectual level that I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel and I felt it. It's like taking a drug for the first time after reading a big article on it first. How are you supposed to know what was really the affect of the drug and what was placebo affect. Wow, that's hilarious. I had placebo love for A. It really does make things seem less bleak. Sure it may be another 12 years before I find anything close to love again, but at least I know that was I lost wasn't my first love, just the closest I've ever come to it.

So I'm stuck at my grandma's all weekend because I'm a good grandson and my grandpa's in the hospital, and out of nowhere A texts me and says she's lonely tonight and she regrets a lot of things like treating me like she did. To be honest, last night I cried again because I miss her so much. So like the dumb ass, love crazed idiot that I am . . . I tell her that I don't regret anything, I have no hard feelings towards her and that I still miss her. I just sent her that text and I really hope she doesn't tear my heart out again. The thought of getting back together with her fills me with so much hope and happiness, I just want to have someone to hold. So far she hasn't responded to the text and I sent it a few minutes ago, so ugh, I'm so nervous. I know she was just feeling rejected for some reason and wanted to know that somebody out there still likes her, that's what I gave her, I hope she doesn't hate me for it. . . 10 minutes later she still hasn't responded so yeah she probably does hate me and just wanted to start things out slow with some flirting. I don't know. And now she says she misses me too. I'm really reluctant to get my hopes up again. Getting my heart broken once was enough, but to think that it might all be better again, that's all I've wanted since we broke up. So is it worth it? What if she doesn't really want to get back together, she just misses me as a friend? See, my hopes are up all over again. I'll keep this posted.

Blah, now I'm depressed all over again. My roommate issue's been solved, I have food in the house, and then I read A's myspace entry about being in love with her new guy . . . and my mood plummets into nothing. I'm so depressed, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by, but no, it's not that kind of depression. I'm lonely. When all the weed is smoked and all the money spent, all I'm left with is lonely. And lonely I am, my God! I did not miss this feeling at all. Is it better to have loved and lost? At this moment, I'm going to say no. The opposite of loneliness is so much better than I could ever imagine when I had never been anything but lonely. It's like asking a soul who has always dwelt in Hell and never known Heaven if they want to into Heaven. Then only opening the the gates long enough to show them what they're missing before sending them back down to Hell. It's just that bad. And I am just that fucking lonely at the moment. I'd cry, but I'm done with that. I just want someone to hold.

Wow, a morning of temporary optimism. Maybe I'm still a little high from last night, maybe it's because I'm finally full (before last night I'd been eating out of cans all week) or maybe it's because I'm doing something about my roommate situation, I don't know but in this moment I'm feeling okay, really for the first time since me and A broke up. I have a little (very little, lol) money in my pocket and I have a plan B if my search for a roommate doesn't work out. I don't really have much more to say than that, but I just wanted to get this happiness down before it goes away. Alas, I'm off to work in a good mood for the first time all week, I really hope this lasts.

Hey everyone. I don't have a lot of time to write before work, but I am too depressed to move at the moment. I don't know, I'm just down. There are plenty of reasons for it, but I just can't seem to get happy at the moment. Anyways, I'm off to work, hopefully seeing all those people who fake civility while they secretly hate me will make me feel a little better. Hope your day goes better than mine started out.

I have a good rant building up in me about Sex. I know I've been there before, but a physical relationship has changed my perspective on that too. Sex still seems dirty and private and intimate and special, I don't think it's something that should be taken or given lightly. The thought of just calling someone for a night of random sex seems fundamentally wrong. Sex should be special damn it!

This rant comes from the fact that I was having the obligatory civil conversation with my ex while working next to her at work, and as soon as I get a call she turns around and tells her friend how she called her fuck buddy (she didn't say that, she used his name) the night before and told him to come over, she needed some company. I know, a month out of a two month relationship I shouldn't care, but I would be just as disgusted if anybody told me that. I'm not a puritan, or even conservative, but sex is so emotional, that it shouldn't be just some physical need to be satisfied. That's what you have yourself for. Ugh, this entry didn't quite turn out like I thought it would and this may be deleted, but for now that's what I have on Sex.

An irrational confession:

I still miss my ex. She was my first serious girlfriend and I thought I could forget about her just by falling back into my old habits, but it's just not working. She changed something in me so deeply that sitting around and smoking weed for the rest of my life finally seems pointless. I'm trying to replace her with another girl, but I'm just not attracted to her like I was to my ex. I'll be sitting on the couch with this new girl and then for no reason I just can't help but think about my ex. I know it's my fault that it ended, I just couldn't trust her. And to be honest, if it came down to that ultimatum again, I would still tell her that I would rather her not hang out with her ex-fuck buddy. And I guess that's where I have to draw my comfort, in the end . . I was right. But that still doesn't help me forget her when I'm sitting on the couch with the new girl. It seems that no matter what I do, I always remember all the good times that we had together. They told me it would get easier, and maybe it has, but it's just like quitting cigarettes: the pain goes away after the first few days, but the desire never does. I guess like death, there's nothing you can do about so why think about it, right?

And a quick PS to the anonymous commenter from my last post. . . if you ever read this again, send me an e-mail, you seem intriguing.

So I've been looking more closely are real relationships and I've come to an unacceptable conclusion. There is no 100% loyalty . . . every relationship that I've seen has points of tension over past relationships. It always seems like the girl wants to talk to or hang out with their exes in one way or another, in my irrational opinion, this is completely unacceptable. TV had this right, girls can never be just friends with guys, to a guy a girl who is a friend is just a girl you haven't fucked yet. So based on that logic, every time your girlfriend hangs out with another guy who isn't already in a relationship there is the potential for cheating.

It seems to me that once you're in a relationship you should give up all contact with your exes no matter if they're your "friends" or not, even if it just to make your current bf/gf feel better. It seems like if you really cared about the person you're currently with you'd never, never do anything that would give them real reason to doubt.

And another thing while I'm on the subject of relationships . . . . Why has everybody that I've talked to had a fuck buddy? It's all the good parts of a relationship but none of the bad. This relationship seems pretty ideal and I don't know why I'm missing out on it. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired

So I'm back. For better or worse, this blog continues. I thought that once I had a girlfriend the would make sense, that I wouldn't need this anymore. Now that the relationship is over, and at least for the moment I've finally accepted that there's no going back, I am ready to write again. I don't know what I have left in me, but I know there's going to be a great entry on whether or not it is really better to have loved and lost. Right now, I'm not so sure. I know that it's a lot more complicated to have loved and lost than to have spent the past two months buried in a sack of weed. I guess there are some good memories, but they all seem to be tainted with questions. "What did I do wrong?" "What can I do to make it all better?" "Will it be another 22 years before I find someone like her?" Who knows, maybe those will go away and in a few months or years, I can look back on those memories and smile. I can't help but wonder if this is what my real father felt for my mother. I mean he left her when he heard of me, but what if he regretted it for the rest of his life and finally gave into the bottle? What if he became a social recluse because he couldn't deal with the pain of lost love. Or maybe I'm romanticizing this entire situation. I don't know. Alas, I'm off to work and it 9 long hours I'll be back and I'll get to hind within the womb of messy apartment and let the world go on around me as I let my problems drift away on a haze of smoke.