I will kill myself, just not today

I have a feeling deep in my soul, that I will be the one to end my life.  Right now, my plan is to hang myself off of the back porch rafter.  Yet, today will not be the day.  Neither, most likely, will it be tomorrow.  Some day soon I will end my life.  I try so hard with my over eating, chain smoking and binge drinking but that takes too long.  Am I the only one that lays awake at night contemplating suicide?  I know how it will be taken by my family.  Gabbi will be mad, Ally might be sad, though I know deep down that it will come as a relief to her, my mom will cry and wonder if there's anything that she could have done.  There isn't.  There's nothing that anybody can do to prevent my suicide.  I've long planned my last post on Facebook.  It will be something like: "I am going to kill myself.  Please don't try to stop me, by the time you read this it will already be over for me.  Please tell my mom I love her and that it's not her fault.  To all my friends that have been there through the years, I'm truly sorry for any pain that this causes you.  To track my slow decent to madness and to read my suicide note, please go to oblivionschild.blogspot.com"  I wish I could do this without people crying for me.  I know that I will make my mom cry, I haven't made her cry since I was 16 and I called her out on her past mistakes.  I'm not sure the rest of my family will cry, to them it will be a relief that I'm finally out of their lives.  It's funny that both my desire to be clean from Meth and my desperate desire for just one last drink keeps me from doing the deed right now.  I want just one more drunk before I die, I love alcohol.  I want to know how it feels to be one year clean from Meth.  My one year mark is June 25th, so I don't think I will kill myself before then, but who knows.  One more fight that I can't win, one more mistake that I can't fix, one more reason to give up and that might be it.

I really need a drink . . .

Of course when I say I need a drink, I really mean I need to sit down and drink myself stupid by drinking an entire fifth of whiskey.  It's weird, it's not as bad as a Meth craving, or at least as bad as they used to be, but it's in the same vein. 

I just drank a half a pot of coffee to get motivation to get my resume kicked out, but I have half of it done so I figure I'm good to finish it tomorrow.  Instead of finishing my resume, I'm sitting here listening to music, playing poker and whining to my blog that I need a drink.  I really could use a drink, just enough to take off the edge.  I think coffee is my new trigger for alcohol, just like Meth which had too many triggers to list, I know how to deal with triggers.  I know how to deal with cravings.  The best thing to do is to feel the craving, let it consume me and then accept it at it's worst.  One, two, three breathe.  I know I can get through this.  I guess there's a reason I don't drink coffee that much.

Okay, I'm beginning to relax.  See, the craving wasn't that bad.  Nothing like that one Meth craving that I had.  I was in Albany and I had a full paycheck on me.  I had just gotten out of a counseling appointment and I was having lunch with my grandparents at Wendy's.   My friend/dealer calls me and says they had the good stuff.  I was so tempted to walk out of the lunch and go to my friend just one last time.  The feeling was so powerful that I almost cried.  I wish I had the words to describe how much effort it took to stay where I was and not go to my friend.  That was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and thing I'm most proud of.  It was that day that I realized I could quit Meth. 
As far as that alcohol craving goes, it's gone now.  Sure, I wouldn't say no to a drink or 20, but I'm not going to pursue alcohol at the moment.

Thanks for listening everyone.  I love all three of you that read this, ha ha.

Yet another family gathering

Tomorrow marks yet another family gathering where I will be the butt of everybody's jokes and there's no way for me to escape.  I wish I could skip it, unfortunately, I fucking live here now so there's no escape.  I don't like my family anymore, I know if one of them died I would probably cry, but until then, I wish everybody would just leave me alone.  I know I'm a failure, but guess what, I quit Meth and nobody that I know has ever done such a hard thing.  I'm more accomplished than any of them.  I went through the day by day Hell of giving it up.  Each day it got worse until it started getting a little better.  I guess I can't type as fast as I once could, oh well, it will come back to me if I ever get a job where I need to type again.  But guess what, it's time for Doctor Who, so here is where I leave you as I prepare to loose myself in fantasy for an hour.

Just stuff

I'm sitting here listening to my girlie station on Pandora and I'm feeling depressed.  I'm so alone, I just want to cry, but I'm on too much Prozac to ever cry again.  Last night I drank a fifth of whiskey, I get that particular joy once a month.  Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, there just isn't much going on in my life right now.  I'm still unemployed, I don't have any motivation to do anything.  I haven't even read a book in a couple of months.  On the bright side, I'm 10 months clean and I've stopped thinking about it every time I lay down to sleep.  I still miss the people, but I no longer miss the drug.  When I think back to those times I remember the bad times more than the good ones. 

Last night I learned that a former co-worker of mine died a while back and I didn't know about it.  She was an amazing person, always so fun and full of life.  Death is supposed to be for those who don't want to live anymore, not for those who have so much life left in them. 

So I've gotten into Awkward. on MTV, it's a pretty decent show.  It was on last night but I was too drunk to care.  I guess I'm an alcoholic, but what can I say, it's in my blood.  My dad died an obese alcoholic in his mid 30's and I plan to do the same.  I just wish I could cry about it and let it all out.

I'm really missing my old lifestyle today.  I'm plagued with all the happy memories of time gone by.  I know I can't go back, but some days I want to so bad.  I'll live with Manny if only for one more time.  And yet, I can't think like that.  I have to keep going forward and stop living in the past.  I burned the bridges for a reason and I have to live with my decisions.  Oh well, I can always get drunk and drunk I will get tonight.  Me, myself and a bottle of Black Velvet will take over this blog tonight.  And it will probably end up with me hating life, etc. Oh well, at least I'll get to feel good for a little bit.

Too fucking lazy to kill myself

Don't worry Jamie, I'm still alive.  It's Valentines day so I'm sitting here staring down a bottle of rum.  I've been staring down that same bottle of rum for about 4 days now and each day I decided to wait till Valentines day, so I made it and now I'm gonna drink it.  Don't worry, when it comes down to it, I'd rather sleep than kill myself.  Killing myself is incredibly selfish plus it takes a lot of effort.  Not to mention all the work I'd cause my family.  My grandparents would be the first to see my dead body and it would traumatise them, then they'd have to call the morgue or the ambulance then there'd have to be a funeral which my grandparents would probably have to pay for.  I know my blog would get a lot more reading after I die because my suicide note will simply say: see oblivionschild.blogspot.com.  Maybe someone will read all of it, maybe they'll be able to pinpoint the exact day that I started doing Meth, maybe they'll see all the alcohol postings and feel sorry for me.  Who knows what they'll see in this.  Gabbi and Ally are my two little sisters btw, they're usually what keeps me from taking the plunge.  But thanks for caring Jamie, love you!

Goodbye

Dear World,

It's been a hell of a run, but it's time to give up.  I'm never going to find a job, I'm good for nothing, and like Gabbi says, I'm an asshole anyway.  I've written this note in my head so many times and it always comes out more eloquent than this.  I guess I should say that this is nobody's fault.  Everyone is going to blame themselves, but it's my decision and it's a decision that's a long time coming.  I'm not even sure how I'm doing at this point, I know it's going to be some kind of hanging.  Or maybe I can just take every pill in the house and hope that it kills me.  Not likely though.  When I do this, I don't want to do it half way.  Like Gabbi says, don't talk about it unless your serious.  Well I am serious.  I've been serious about this for a long time.  I've mentioned Gabbi twice in this note already.  I guess because I know she'll be mad.  She always thought I had potential and now I'm giving up on that potential.  Ally, I know you can make it through this.  I know what I'm about to do is incredibly selfish, but I'm sorry I just can't do it anymore.  It's not your fault, in fact you've given me the few real smiles that I've had in these past months.  Never forget those high 5's that hurt, it's not much but they made me smile till the end.  Okay so maybe I'm not going to kill myself today.  Not that I have too much to live for or anything like that, it's just cause I'm too lazy and I don't know how to do it.  I could make a noose if I put in the effort, but I'm just too lazy.  I really want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning but I cracked off my car for Meth about a year ago and I don't have the keys to the extra car, or maybe I do!  That would make this a lot easier.  But I'm not going to, not today.  Tomorrow's a new day, maybe I'll have the energy to do it tomorrow.  For now, I'm smoking a cigarette and taking a nap.

So much for resolution #2

We're gonna play a little game.  I'm sitting her drinking a bottle of bottom shelf rum and I plan to drink the whole thing.  After each shot I'm going to write one sentence.  At the bottom of the bottle, I'll write a paragraph based on what I've written.

1. I love the first shot.
2. Tastes like shit, but I love the warm feeling :)
3. My heart wants what my stomach may not be able to take.
4. I wish I could skip the getting drunk part and go straight to being drunk.
5. I want drugs.
6. Still not drunk, I wonder which shot I'll be able to say "I'm drunk."
7. Yuck!
8. Time for a cigarette.
9. I want a burger, a big burger, a one pounder with all the fixings.
10. I'm gonna have a couple cookies, then it's down for a shot every 5 minutes.
11. So I took a break there for the drunchies, a 1 pound burger with cheese and lettus and mayo and mustard and ketchup.  After the break I feel like shit.  Like why am I even still around?  Maybe the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.
12. I feel better after another shot, not all better, but a little bit.
13. God I hope the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.  I feel like such a piece of shit.
14. Haven't been keeping up on this, but I just puked :(
15. Blah, I feel like shit, but the bottom of the bottle won't be reached by itself.
16. God, I just want to give up.  I'm so tired.  All I want to do is go to sleep.

This is where it endes.  I still have a third of a bottle of rum left, but I give up.  I'm gonna go to sleep right now and wake up around 8 or so hungry and thirsty.  I just feel like such a piece of shit right now.  God, I just want to give up on life.

My New Year's Resolutions

Okay world, it's New Year's Resolution time.  It's been a hell of a year.  Unemployed for the entire year, but each day growing into myself.  I'm 6 months clean as of Christmas day.  Manny is dead.  Really dead.  I take pills to keep him dead.  I'm drinking too much at the moment.  Actually as we speak I'm in the middle of an atomic power hour.  That's where you take a shot every 5 minutes until the bottle's gone or for an hour which ever comes first.

It's so my easier to write here.  I've been writing here for so long it feels like home.  I know when I'm writing here, I'm writing to my future self.  I know that this time next year or maybe later this year or 5 years from now, I'll come back and read this and see where I've come from.  With my paper journals, it's weirder.  It's more permanent.  When I die, I know when people go through my stuff they'll read my journal.  When I die, I don't know if anyone will bother to read this.  Maybe that's why I should get this web address tattooed on my body somewhere.  Of course I know nobody reads this anymore.  That doesn't matter because I read this.  This is what this is for.  For me.  A written journal is for everyone else.  It's the record of me after I die.  Sigh. 
I guess without any further drunken rambling, here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2013.  I vow that in a year from now, I'll read these again and write something more.

1. Stay off of all drugs.
2. After my current supply is consumed, quit alcohol completely.
3. Maintain and improve my relationships with my family.
4. Maintain and improve my relationships with my current friends.
5. Make at least one new friend.
6. Get a job.
7. Get my license back.
8. Get a car.
9. Move into my own apartment.
10. In all things, be true to my new found self.

Drinking to black out

Hi everyone.  I know it's been 3 months since I've posted anything.  Didn't realize it'd been that long.  To update everyone, I still haven't done Meth since last summer.  Today, I'm going to drink till I black out.  I can't post my drinking on Facebook anymore because Gabbi and Ally read it and think less of me.  I guess I could just not drink, but what's the fun in that.  I'm taking a mini shot every three minutes till I black out or the bottle's gone.  As of now I'm about 1/3 through the bottle and I'm not feeling very drunk.  A little fuzzy in the head, but that's it.  I'm still really bored and it's too rainy out to go for a walk.  I did have futurama on, but now it's over and I'm bored.  Too bored in fact to finish this bottle.  Who cares if I drink it all or not.  It's not as if I'm going for a victory or anything.  Okay, so maybe I'm not drinking till I black out this time.  Or at the very least it's time for a cigarette.  After this shot, lol.