Why does spending the rest of my life alone seem so much more appealing than a relationship?

Ahh, waking thoughts. They're either completely on the mark still fresh with the unspoken fears my dreams or completely off the mark before the rationalization of daylight dissolves the darkness of my subconscious.

Today I muse on the fact that after a night of hanging out with friends and feeling like I fit in, I still wake up with the old insecurities: "Do they really like me or are they just being nice? Do I really fit in as well as I thought last I did last night? Am I still that insecure little 8th grader mistaking people being polite with people actually liking me? Will I wake up tomorrow with the adult equivalent of being taken to the counselor saying that I'm following them around?"

You'd think after all this time I'd be over it. Will these insecurities ever go away?

Monday waking thoughts . . . .

I woke up depressed today. That undefined sense of longing is back. I think it goes back to relationships. There was a couple weeks where I didn't want one, it's too much effort and not worth the pain of break up. I still want to feel that way, but it seems like I was around couples all weekend and they seem happy and I want that. It's not that I want it because it seems appealing, just because everyone else has one.

Another note, and this is more of a reminder to write about it later, it seems like the one constant in my life since I graduated high school is a cup of coffee and a cigarette staring out into the morning. From grandma's house right after high school, to selling magazine, to Job Corps and the actual job, I still wake up in the morning with a cup of black coffee and a cigarette. Just the little things in life I guess.

To continue with my series of waking thoughts. . . . I forgot something very important over the past couple weeks: I don't want friends. It all seems too fake for me. It's all a series of favors. Quid pro quo. Even with family that's all it is. I guess recently I thought there was more. I thought it was about caring and feeling and love *phts* (exasperated sound of bitterness) I guess I was wrong.

Oh sweet irony! It seems like just a couple nights ago I was praising the virtues of friendship and on the night that I run out of weed, I have no friends around. I guess there truly is no value in friendship. Or maybe there's just no value in friendship with me.

Drunk and wallowing in self pity. I dunno. Ha ha, seems to be the phrase of the day doesn't it? I don't know, I just feel sad. It's funny that I was in a better mood before I started drinking. But of course I was drinking with AE and her bf. I think K got it in my head that I really am attracted to AE. Of course I am, I mean look at her. She's smart, she's sweet and of course she's good looking, my god is she good looking. But we've been friends for so long, yeah that's bs. I don't care how long we've been friends. But we have have been really good friends for a long time. Intellectual sparing partners, we can bounce our lives off each other and we usually come back with good feedback for both of us. I don't know (magic phrase, ha ha) maybe I am just a little jealous of people in relationships. I don't like this feeling though. For the past couple weeks I've been content in being single and it's been nice. It's nice not to have that insatiable need to be in a relationship. For the past couple weeks I didn't want that hand holding, lovey dovey bull shit that comes with a relationship. I didn't think I could stand anyone enough to be around them that much. At least at this moment that's exactly what I want. The same thing that I've been blogging about for 3 fucking years. Right now I don't think that a relationship will make everything better, but I think, I don't know. I just want one. I want someone to hold right now, damn it, now I'm crying, or at least getting close to it. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry but I feel sorry. Pauses for a moment . . . . I feel lonely? Wow, it seems like forever since I've felt that way. What happened to that facade of indifference?

I don't really have any friends. I have neighbors, I have roommates, I have associates, but no one that I can really confide in. There is nobody that has seen how truly unbalanced I am that still talks to me. I've been through this all before and it ends in a loop and I end up remembering that I don't care anymore. I don't know, I'm just feeling sad for no good reason. I'm not lonely, I'm not unhigh, I'm mildly bored, but that's not it. It's more that I feel disappointed with the world. It seems like I would do anything for anyone most of the time (but that's my unsatisfied need for approval,) but when I need something I'm on my own. I don't know, maybe I haven't grown up all the much from that scared little kid in elementary school desperately trying to make friends, from that awkward 8th grade kid who just wanted to fit in, from that bitter high schooler who spent 4 years hating the world before it could hate him. Maybe I've never grown up. I can fake it, but when you see the real me, I'm just scared most of the time. Even when I'm not, I am because as soon as everything else is resolved in life, death is still looming in the distance and all around.

This facade of indifference is starting to crumble, but I won't let it . . . not yet. I can't believe what's happened in the past week or so. I learn that I might be a daddy with a girl that I don't give a damn about, then she says she lost the baby, personally I think it's just drama on her part trying to make me fall in love with her. What's sad is that I was right all along: all I had to do to gain the approval of my family was to knock some girl up. That's all my family wants from me is for me to have a family of my own, no matter how that happens, it's disgusting. All the while I get a promotion at work and I trying to learn a whole new job while making first impressions on a new team, which should be enough stress by it's self. And then on Sunday morning I wake up to a bloody bathroom, missing roommates and no phone. It turns out my roommates lost their baby, she was 7 months pregnant with the coolest kid you'll never know, now they're back from the hospital and dealing with their own grief and I have to feel guilty every time I'm happy. At the same time slowly dealing with the epiphany that despite all of what I've been through in life I still have zero self confidence. That's why I'm so eager to do things to please people, because when I think about myself I still feel a worthless failure in life that nobody should ever love. I'm sure somebody could love me, but nobody should. Loving me just gets people hurt because I'll never live up to their expectations. I'll always push them away before they get close enough to see the real me and reject me for me instead of something dumb that I did.

I just want to end this with a little story: A few weeks ago my roommates and I are sitting around in the only air conditioned room in the house smoking as we tend to do, Whitney's sitting there with the pipe in her hand and feels Josh (her baby) kick, I say "He's tell you to quit camping mom." We all have a good laugh, but that just shows what an amazing kid he would have been. . . . . . RIP little boy.

I will never again get so close to someone that I'd be affected if they walked out of my life. That was my issue with A and I'm seeing this echoed again in K's new relationship. I will never love someone so much that when they walk out of my life for whatever reason, and they all do eventually, that it will hurt at all. What's weird is that I can still have feelings for K, obviously she used me, but she was fun and happy and hot. I know enough now to look at her relationship now and realize that she's in exactly the kind of relationship that she would have had with me. The guy does all he can to please her because he's so afraid to loose her. Which is exactly what happened with me and A. So if the parallel continues, she's eventually get tired of the way he's acting and realize that all the stuff he buys her isn't worth all the shit that she has to put with. What's sad is that it isn't his fault at all. With A I thought that I was doing the right thing. It really is scary to think about someone you "love" that much ever leaving you. I thought that she would be the cure to all of life's problems, but it didn't have to be her. I could have been any girl. I had put so much into having a relationship just because everyone else had one and they all seemed to be happy. I thought that it would cure the emptiness, and it did for a while. But yeah I ended up with a broken heart. The point of this whole lead up though:

I've learned my lesson. I would never get that attached to a girl. Now whoever I end up with, I won't give a damn if they walk out on me, I will never ask them to stay, I will never beg for anyone back. It's not worth it. If they didn't like me enough to stay, then asking them, or begging them to come back will only make it worse.

I hate people, rather I hate being around people. I know I have to be around people at work, but when I come home I just want to crawl into my cocoon and not let the rest of the world penetrate. Seriously, give me a sack of weed a video game and a house full of food and I'm in heaven. Or at least that sounds a lot more appealing than the current state of things. Really socializing seems like too much effort all I want to do is sit back and relax and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. Of course when that actually happens I'll be here screaming at the world that I'm bored, cursing god for making me so damned lonely. Of course there's always M. She's in love with me and I don't feel much for her. It seems like the way she acts towards me is a lot like the way I acted towards A. It's like living on the other side of the mirror it's that similar. I don't know if my experience with A and knowing how that turned out makes me reluctant to let any feelings that I have for M show through. But when it comes down to it, I just want sex from her. I know I can't stand her, but I don't know how much of me not being able to stand her comes from me.


To change the subject mid-sentence, I just deleted A from my Yahoo and Myspace lists, and out of my address book and off my phone. Right now I'm at the point where I'm desperately unsure of what I feel towards A. So unsure that I'm sure I don't want to explore it, but it will probably end with some revelation of how she used me or how unstable I really am.

Alas, I'm off to happier things .