I don't have anything to say today that I didn't have to say yesterday. It was just really sad this weekend to sit in my room all weekend praying to God that somebody would want to hang out with me. Then I realize, that aside from the roommates who're really good friends despite it all, I only have one friend in this town. I'm crippled with shyness whenever I try to meet new people and I'll never find happily ever after. I give up. I really do need to accept that fact that nobody likes me and there are good reasons for it. So maybe for the sake of all I should just hibernate in my room until 2012 when it will all end. Of course I'll come out to work and to wander the internet in search of amusement, but I give up. I'm not going to try anymore. If it it's God's plan for me to find Happily Ever After then let him throw it in my face so I can't say no. If not. I'll just document my decent to madness one keystroke at a time.

A blank page. Who cares. I'm a failure. I know it. The same old pattern. Tomorrow I'll be up. Tonight I dwell in divine obscurity.

So it turns out I had nothing to worry about. Me and A are forever nevermore. All well. It's funny how I got my hopes up again. Here I was thinking that maybe something like Love did exist and maybe I messed it up the first time and now I'd have a second chance. I guess I was wrong, no big deal. Maybe it's just because I'm tired or maybe because I'm broke or who knows, but I've been hating life again recently. Not hating life like I used to and I thank God for that, but I've been sad and I don't know why. Usually that calls for a trip to nowhere in search of myself, but I can't do that until I have money again. And it's nobody's fault except for my own that I'm so broke. Ugh, this is a rambling entry again. I'm so sorry that I can't be a better writer for everyone. That's what I feel right now, I feel sorry. Like I've done something wrong and I can't make it better again. Maybe I'm just sorry to myself (not for myself) that I've spent all my money a week before payday and I have nothing to show for it. I'm sorry that I'm gaining weight again. I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time. I'm sorry that I have such great friends and I can't always return the friendship. I'm sorry that I'm such a good friend and it's never returned. I'm sorry that I still haven't found my happily ever after even though I've lost weight, found God and I swear I'm going to quit smoking right now. It's still not good enough. I'm still alone. I know that I need to go out and meet people and act normal instead of the nervous ball of awkward that I normally am. I know I need to be myself and now that I've discovered myself, I realize that even being myself isn't good enough for happily ever after. And I know happily ever after won't fix everything, but it definitely can't hurt. Ugh, same mindless, different day I guess. Who knows, maybe something really will change someday.

A again? So yeah it was a year ago, but I still remember the pain. I know it wasn't rational, it was my psyche dealing with issues a lot bigger than a girlfriend breaking up with me. There are issues there that for whatever reason are fixing themselves, but something had to break and I had to feel the pain in order not to fear it. I still never want to feel the pain of rejection again but a year later I can almost say it was better to have loved and lost. Now I might have a chance to get it back and I should ask myself do I want it? People say she's weird and unattractive and I can see that, but not as weird as some. Actually mostly it's Mh, I finally get over that minor rejection and find friendship with her to be satisfying. I think we both fulfill a need in each other, mh and I. She needs someone to vent to about life, like anybody does and I fill that need. It's nothing too complicated. And she's smart. She helps me realize that not everybody is retarded and shows me life away from my sometimes-abnormal thought processes. Still there's always been something that keeps us from being close friends. The reason I follow that tangent is that it's weird that she talks down about A so much. If she has a secret crush on me then get out with it and I get to choose between them because I scraped the bottom of the barrel long enough and found a few that aren't repulsive. Given the choice, I want somebody good looking! I know it sounds shallow, but I want a girl that I'm undeniably physically attracted to. I really want a skinnier girl. Why do I never seek those that I'm physically attracted to? Of course I can't find anybody and I really don't care. Life is slowly getting better now one thing at a time and I'm happy with it. I'm just scared that A is going to hurt me again and I'm afraid to feel those feelings again because they all lead to an irrational but intense jealousy. I don't even know what I want from a relationship anymore. I know it's not going to fix everything and really it seems like it will make things complicated. And all the build up to sex and it turned out to be fancy masturbation. It feels better but not any different. And it turns out not to be that big of a deal. My point is, sex is not a big incentive for me to find a relationship. I think what I wanted before was the feeling of complete acceptance and unconditional love. But that doesn't exist and I realize I'm trying fix a very old wound that a relationship cannot fix. Whoever it is will just leave me in the end anyway. I still fear that there's going to be something about me that will push her away. I know how to be myself now, I know who it is and I know how to maintain it. It's about taking care of myself. It's funny that I didn't take care of myself because I was lonely and I was lonely because I didn't take care of myself. So I just invented a new word and I'm going to try to work it into the lexicon of annoying phrases. "Thankiny" as a replacement for "thank you''. So I'm tired and this isn't getting published in it's current form anyway. Thankiny for listening everyone.

I just had a thought and I don't want to loose it. God gives me the approval that I seek but never obtain from my family.

Just a quick response to the most recent commenter. First of all thank you for reading my blog, I'm glad somebody finds my life interesting. I'll respond more thoroughly later, but I just wanted to update on the M thing. After a night of drunken confessions and a week of "why is a kiss ever just a kiss" I finally see M in the light of friendship. I'm no longer pursuing it because I no longer want it. I was never attracted to her physically but I have a habit of never looking at people in the face when I talk to them so I never really realized it until after the fever (of infatuation) broke. And as far as the deep intellectual connection, I realize it was all just me being completely agreeable like I am with everybody that I like. I still like her as a friend of course, but she's fallen from the pedestal and once fallen can never be restored. Of course that's not the case with A. Somehow after a year I still get butterflies when she says "hi". Butterflies that I haven't felt since her. I can't believe that I've held on to feelings for her for so long. Anyways, I've ranted long enough.

I woke up today, not in a panic as I usually do, but in no mood at all. I didn't even want to sleep more, though 45 minutes after waking I want to go back to bed and hide from everyone. I don't know how I can wake up in the best mood that I have in weeks to now I'm just sad. For no good reason, I'll soon be out of money but payday is close and then I'll even have some surplus. I don't know, my friends and I were talking about relationships yesterday and maybe that got me depressed. I've tried not to actively pursue a relationship recently and it's gotten me exactly where pursuing a relationship did: nowhere. I dunno, I'm not really emotional today just kinda sad and tired. I guess that's better than normal.

Blah, not blah but an expulsion of emotion. Just the release of all tension through my fingers to the computer. It's not something that I want to talk about, I just want to not feel this anymore. It's numb at the moment, but it's there and it needs to go away. Just all that damned insecurity. It's always there, it sucks. I know I look better now than I've looked pretty much ever and it's not enough. I suddenly realize that I look normal enough to get all the normal girls instead of dredging the bottom. I really just need to get over rejection. I knew it was coming and it still hurts the same every time. Of course, I probably set myself up for rejection, but that's beside the point. I'm not really trying to find anything, but it's hard not to when I know I look this good. I guess that's the irrational response to the deeper realization that the reason I don't have anybody has nothing to do with what I look like and everything to do with who I am and my failures in life. What am I supposed to do with the revelation that I constantly seek approval? Of course I know it's been an issue for a while, but to hear somebody else say it really brings it to the front of my mind. Obviously I had a bad childhood and reacted badly to it so I'm still constantly seeking approval from others. That's why I can never do anything for myself, it's always to please someone else. How do I fix it without feeling like a failure for having these weaknesses? Of course if the worst that can happen if I fix these approval issues is that I realize I have them then what's stopping me from fixing them? The answer is simple, I don't know how. I don't know how to fix these issues except to find someway to fill the void.

Why is a kiss ever just a kiss? I don't know what it should be, but it should never be just a kiss. There shouldn't be such thing as "just a kiss." Why can a drunken kiss prove to one that "we're just friends" and prove to the other that we should be so much more? And in the interest of keeping the friendship I get to smile and take rejection like it doesn't affect me at all, all the while feeling the sweet sting every time I see her. Alas, the tragedy of my life.

So I'm down 20 lbs since October, I've found God, and I'm three days into Chantix to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't know how all this happened, just a series of weird events that led to self improvement. It certainly wasn't my choice. I would have never chosen to make the things better that I can. It's too simple and not dramatic enough for me. I want some grandiose gesture some sudden spark of realization that will make everything better and find my Happily Ever After. But I don't think one thing will make everything better and Happily Ever After, Love at First Site don't exist.

Somehow I ended up doing all this positive stuff. I end up loosing weight because I'm stressed and broke and simply do not have the money for all the food that I used to eat. Instead I get one meal a day from the money I put into the household food fund, add that to all the stress that I've gone through and suddenly I'm down 20 lbs in six months.

As far as finding God, randomly some stranger who's read my blog for years recommends church and because I had nothing better to do a Sunday morning and once again woke up at the edge of tears, I go. I don't like it the first time, but again I found myself with nothing better to do on a Sunday morning and I go again. And suddenly I realize that I've been looking for somebody to give a damn about me and my problems and, because I can't find it in humanity, I'll indulge a little faith and let myself believe that something out there loves me and cares. It's just filling a whole ripped open unintentionally by my poor stoner parents, but at least the hole is filled.

And finally Chantix. That medical drug that will make everything better. The end of vices in a pill. It's free. It's as simple as that. What can it possibly hurt to take a free pill that didn't cost anything including the doctor's visit? And because it's free is enough reason to take anything,(see Whipits, Coke, my first Perk), why not use that destructive drive for something good.

So I didn't set out to loose 20 lbs, quit smoking and find God, but here I am and I'm still feeling empty. See, no matter how much I improve myself, I'm still lonely. And I know that I need to accept the fact that I'm single and just not feel the loneliness, but when I'm sitting here all alone with nobody to comfort me except my blog, it all comes back.

I don't know.