Wow, I'm so sick of being alone, I haven't been able to sleep 8 hours in weeks and my stomach won't keep anything down without a hour in the fucking bathroom later. I feel like I'm loosing control of so much right now, all I want to do is . . . That's a good question, what is all that I want to do? All I want is someone to occupy that big empty part of my bed. I want someone to hold in the middle of the night and I wake up feeling lonely. I want somebody to share all these amazing experiences with. I just want someone to be with me. Sometimes the loneliness just seems so overwhelming, no just the disappointment. Imagine the feeling of finding someone that seems exactly who . . . actually never mind. This is entirely too irrational. We just talked on the phone for a few hours. Normally that would have been enough. . . but it wasn't. That's okay. I just wish it was a clean rejection. A clean rejection isn't that bad, I mean I get to feel like I wasn't good enough, which I knew all along of course, and I get to know for a fact that myself isn't enough. Now that's a hard revelation. Myself just Inst good enough. I'm not even angry enough to rant on how I should have never let myself buy into the bullshit of "just be yourself and someone will come along." Well maybe I am, or I'm not I don't know. It's what I would consider the middle of the night and I just can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours in a week. This can't be good for me. I'm barely eating anymore even when I'm alone and high. Where is all this coming from? Stress? You wouldn't know that I was stressed talking to me last week. Last week was the most amazing week, of course I was still barely eating or sleeping so I guess physically it's not that different. Maybe that's why this hurts so much. I went from just an amazing high in life to the crushing instabilities. That makes sense and that actually makes me feel a little better. Wow, thank you weed. You just made everything a little better again. So the reason I'm feeling this so hard is because of all the ups of last week when I thought I was going to meet the girl of my dreams and my co-dependent side was thinking that all my problems would finally be solved. But I was so un-godly happy last week, like happier than I've been since the first week with A. I just wish all this bullshit made more sense, I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Wait at this moment I feel slightly less lonely, but only because wake and bake is kicking in and I'm blogging. My blog is like having someone to listen to me in the middle of the night when I'm feeling scared, it's my unmoving should to cry on, it's where I go when the rest of the world just doesn't care anymore. Blog, if I can't love a real person, at least I can love you for always being there for me when I just wanted someone to listen. Thank you for being here for me through all of everything during the past 5 years. I love you. Wow, I really want to say that to someone. I have all these things I need to say a girl and I just want acceptance. What's weird is that I'm not very picky at the moment, I'd pretty much say that to any girl that came along if I thought she would accept it and love me for it. Maybe that's the trouble, to everyone else those are just words. No, I don't want to use that phrase, I don't want to use any phrase. I just want to lay back and relax for a few minutes. Who knows, maybe I'll feel up to trying sleep again. To no one and everyone: I love you, thank you for making . Wow, I just made a weird connection, maybe all this excess love is God. Maybe having all this love and nowhere to put it is exactly what God is. Or maybe that's just something lonely people say to make themselves feel better. Yeah that seems more likely. Fucking God, what an asshole for putting me through all this. Or maybe it's more of a test, if I can jump through just one more hoop, then God will finally reward me with true love. But people that believe that they're following God's plan just don't want to feel so insignificant, so they invent an all powerful God and pretend he's always there with them. Wow, God is something that was invented because of a person's fear of being alone. God was evolved. And this explains where God comes from too. You always ask if God created man, then who created God. Using the philosophy that nothing exists until it is perceived, then God created us during his non-existence because he perceived us. Then in our time of loneliness, when we feel like there's all this love to give, but no one to give it to, we created God out of necessity, we perceived God into existence. Therefore: Man created God and God created man. I'm not sure that I like that argument. But once again I'm feeling alone. It's weird the roller coaster of emotions that I've gone on the best few minutes. Alas, I'm off to parts unknown for lost adventures. (Or more likely another lonely day of sitting here in an empty apartment screaming at the universe to do something.)

Wow, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Somehow I thought that I was more than a fat slob, I thought that personality was somehow enough, I thought that a five hour phone call would lead to who knows what. Apparently I'm wrong. And it's not like I don't see it from her perspective, sometimes the attraction just isn't there. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from dating M, because I wasn't attracted to her and I couldn't deal with her drama. Somehow in all my amazing logic, I forgot that being rejected hurts. I forgot that it all hurts. I somehow forgot to tell myself to quit hoping for a while. I thought I'd changed. I thought I developed enough personality that it was enough to get girls. But it's more than just girls, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore. I don't know what came over me, but I was just damned confident. Or maybe just in my mind, but when it came to practicing the confidence I just couldn't do it. Now I could take this rejection a few ways. I could use is it an opportunity for self improvement. I could start walking and eating better. I could quit smoke and weed. I could give up so much of what has become my identity. I just don't want to smoke weed anymore. I want to loose weight and eat better. I'm sick of being broke. These are all noblethoughts of course, but when it comes down to it, I'm so afraid of being bored that I will do anything to occupy my mind so I don't have to sit down and think about my impending doom. Alas, I probably just need to sleep on it. I'm sure in the morning (whenever I get to sleep) it'll make more sense, or at least I can hide in a book all day tomorrow. I just hope I have enough to occupy myself. Maybe I'll start walking. I could walk to the duck pond, I could walk to Circle K, I could walk to 7-11 or all the way down Queen if I really got ambitious. I guess it's not too late to go for a walk now, but people in this town are weird enough during the day that I don't want to deal with them in the middle of the night. I don't want to stop typing. I know this is completing irrational. God I hate emotion, it complicates what could be a very academic pursuit. Love doesn't seem that complicated on paper, but when put into practice . . . I just don't want to stop tying because as soon as I publish this, I know I'll be alone all over again. When I'm typing it doesn't seem like I'm alone. At least I'm talking to something even if nobody ever reads this. I see her perspective. I'm not attractive enough and I was way, way too nervous around her. I close my eyes and let the emotions well over me and what it comes down to is fear. Fear that maybe I will really end up alone, fear that even if I don't end up alone it won't matter. Wow, I'm really thinking about death right now and it scares me. I really hope no one that I knows ever reads this, it's all so crazy. Who knows, maybe I am going crazy. Maybe we're all a little crazy and maybe it doesn't matter if we are. I'm sure nothing really matters, but I do know that being alone sucks and I didn't realize it because M came along, then the I went on a date with another M and I didn't pursue that because I was so sure that K would be something. I mean 5 hours on the phone, you really make a connection. Or maybe we did and it doesn't matter. A connection on the phone just doesn't translate to physical attraction. What really hurt was when she called me a "great guy." Well here's to all the great guys in the world. The guys that are always the friend and never more. The guy that bottoms feed and is happy with what he finds. I don't know. I'm just sad. I guess it happens and it'll go away in time. At least I know not to get my hopes up again for a girl that isn't a sure thing. Really when have I ever got the girl that I actually wanted? Even A, who I was desperately in love with was never my first choice, M was just someone to fill in the gap, but I wasn't attracted to her. Maybe I'll start seeing her again, at least that way I don't have to be alone anymore. Alas, I'm going to try to sleep, or at least get a light bulb for my lamp so I can read myself to sleep. Then there's the fear that this is all getting a bit out of my control I've been to high to realize it until now. I still don't want to quit typing I'm afraid that I won't be able to sleep. I haven't slept much recently, but I know I need it. Alas, I'll keep blogging for a while, or maybe not. If anyone could comment on this, I could really use some words of support. Thanks everyone.

Sex, babies, raising families, it all seems so primal. It's like if we're doing this and animals are doing this too, then maybe we aren't as special as we like to think. It seems wrong and unnatural to me, like death and birth. If humans have to go through all the same stuff that animals are going through, what makes us so special? I don't know why, but realizing all that we have in common with animals and the rest of life makes me feel uneasy. I say it's all so primal, but it's really because I'm scared. Because if humans have this much in common with the animals then maybe we aren't that special. And lately I've been deluding myself into thinking that something like God might exist (you notice, I capitalize it for the first time ever in this blog.) But if we have this much in common with the animals, then it makes sense that death is the same for all species too. So if we know that animals don't have an after life, then we should also know that there is no life after death for humans either. So the reason love, sex, babies, raising families, and all that stuff that we have in common with the animals makes me uneasy is because it actually reminds me of my own mortality which I've promised myself not to think about again until I'm 30. Interesting, I'm not sure where that leaves me except thinking about death instead of life and birth. But it was a fun train of thought to follow. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning?

So half way through the year and I've had two failed relationships. I've learned some valuable lessons, after this last relationship I realized that I shouldn't go for any girl that I can get, I should wait for something real. But I've been looking the past couple of days and I see potential dates and girlfriends everywhere, but I didn't see anyone that I could be satisfied with. I have all these ideas for the ideal girl and both A and M fit some of those. I want a shy girl who wants me more than I want them, or at least as much, who is out of my league but doesn't know it. I want a girl with no obvious physical flaws. M had the waddle neck and A had a big, lips shaped mole on her nose, but I think about that mole and I still feel something akin to love or at least closer to it than I ever got with M. I can still A in my arms. I really thought there might have been something there if I didn't fuck it up by getting too attached. Then I remember how much she hurt me, how I could never trust her even though she said that's all she wanted from me. How she laughed in my face when I told her I loved her. Maybe love has let me down and I want to give up on it for now. If only I had the same feelings towards M that I did towards A and A had the same feelings that M had for me, then I would be in love with the girl of my dreams and she would be in love with me. Wow, is all of this saying that I'm still not over A? God I hope not. I don't think that's the case, I know I'm over her . . . I just think I'm done with love too.

I am so pissed right now for no apparent reason. On the surface it's because my supervisor is useless and won't do her job, but I shouldn't be this angry over something like that. I just broke up with M (hence the two week absence of blog entries.) But that ended as civilly as it could have and it was my idea to end it. She wanted to move in after two weeks of dating (the idea came up less than a week into dating) and I couldn't do that. Plus all her fucked up drama with her "borderline personality disorder" and worse. I'm normally a fairly patient guy, I'm good with kids and customers, but with her I couldn't stand her long boring stories about nothing and she told the same stories over and over again. And yet, when I was away from her I missed her. Of course that only lasted until through the first five minutes of being around her. And she was such an annoying drunk. I had a few beers and I was just getting ready to get drunk and she was already staggeringly drunk, but you could tell most of it was an act. Of course she didn't act that normal when she was sober either. Really at this point, I don't even want a relationship. Not because I'm heart broken, but because I'm disillusioned. Two failed relationships in 6 months . . . I know I'm not the most persistent of people, and I'm not ready to give up on relationships, I just don't feel like pursuing them too actively at the moment. Wow, some of the anger has gone away, I think this might be some misplaced anger. Alas, I'm off to find something to do, anything really.

I had a dream where I met myself as a toddler. It was almost as if I were my real father in the dream. I came upon a group of kids, I asked them their names and none of them were me. Then I saw a little pudgy kid sitting by himself in the corner of the sand box and I asked him his name and he said "jason." But he said it with such little conviction that I have to type it without a capital letter. He looked scared and lonely, but when I said "hi" he smiled at me.



This might be because I'm still mildly hung over, but that seems like a significant dream. Especially the day after Father's day. Like it was a gift from my dead father telling me that he really did try to be my savior, or at least he wanted to.

"Love in any sense means complete acceptance of an other's faults. It means seeing somebody at their worst and loving them not despite it, but because of it. "

This is from my Aug 26, 2007 entry, right in the middle of the perpetual loneliness thing that I'm moving back into. Talking to Jamie today I realized that though A insisted differently, I really was in love.

Here is Jamie's definition of love:

Caa: You just know. You think of losing them and you want to hug them close and not let go ever and you get so scared that you end up clinging on too tight. that's how u know

Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe I knew it so well on an intellectual level that I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel and I felt it. It's like taking a drug for the first time after reading a big article on it first. How are you supposed to know what was really the affect of the drug and what was placebo affect. Wow, that's hilarious. I had placebo love for A. It really does make things seem less bleak. Sure it may be another 12 years before I find anything close to love again, but at least I know that was I lost wasn't my first love, just the closest I've ever come to it.

So I'm stuck at my grandma's all weekend because I'm a good grandson and my grandpa's in the hospital, and out of nowhere A texts me and says she's lonely tonight and she regrets a lot of things like treating me like she did. To be honest, last night I cried again because I miss her so much. So like the dumb ass, love crazed idiot that I am . . . I tell her that I don't regret anything, I have no hard feelings towards her and that I still miss her. I just sent her that text and I really hope she doesn't tear my heart out again. The thought of getting back together with her fills me with so much hope and happiness, I just want to have someone to hold. So far she hasn't responded to the text and I sent it a few minutes ago, so ugh, I'm so nervous. I know she was just feeling rejected for some reason and wanted to know that somebody out there still likes her, that's what I gave her, I hope she doesn't hate me for it. . . 10 minutes later she still hasn't responded so yeah she probably does hate me and just wanted to start things out slow with some flirting. I don't know. And now she says she misses me too. I'm really reluctant to get my hopes up again. Getting my heart broken once was enough, but to think that it might all be better again, that's all I've wanted since we broke up. So is it worth it? What if she doesn't really want to get back together, she just misses me as a friend? See, my hopes are up all over again. I'll keep this posted.

Blah, now I'm depressed all over again. My roommate issue's been solved, I have food in the house, and then I read A's myspace entry about being in love with her new guy . . . and my mood plummets into nothing. I'm so depressed, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by, but no, it's not that kind of depression. I'm lonely. When all the weed is smoked and all the money spent, all I'm left with is lonely. And lonely I am, my God! I did not miss this feeling at all. Is it better to have loved and lost? At this moment, I'm going to say no. The opposite of loneliness is so much better than I could ever imagine when I had never been anything but lonely. It's like asking a soul who has always dwelt in Hell and never known Heaven if they want to into Heaven. Then only opening the the gates long enough to show them what they're missing before sending them back down to Hell. It's just that bad. And I am just that fucking lonely at the moment. I'd cry, but I'm done with that. I just want someone to hold.

Wow, a morning of temporary optimism. Maybe I'm still a little high from last night, maybe it's because I'm finally full (before last night I'd been eating out of cans all week) or maybe it's because I'm doing something about my roommate situation, I don't know but in this moment I'm feeling okay, really for the first time since me and A broke up. I have a little (very little, lol) money in my pocket and I have a plan B if my search for a roommate doesn't work out. I don't really have much more to say than that, but I just wanted to get this happiness down before it goes away. Alas, I'm off to work in a good mood for the first time all week, I really hope this lasts.