This facade of indifference is starting to crumble, but I won't let it . . . not yet. I can't believe what's happened in the past week or so. I learn that I might be a daddy with a girl that I don't give a damn about, then she says she lost the baby, personally I think it's just drama on her part trying to make me fall in love with her. What's sad is that I was right all along: all I had to do to gain the approval of my family was to knock some girl up. That's all my family wants from me is for me to have a family of my own, no matter how that happens, it's disgusting. All the while I get a promotion at work and I trying to learn a whole new job while making first impressions on a new team, which should be enough stress by it's self. And then on Sunday morning I wake up to a bloody bathroom, missing roommates and no phone. It turns out my roommates lost their baby, she was 7 months pregnant with the coolest kid you'll never know, now they're back from the hospital and dealing with their own grief and I have to feel guilty every time I'm happy. At the same time slowly dealing with the epiphany that despite all of what I've been through in life I still have zero self confidence. That's why I'm so eager to do things to please people, because when I think about myself I still feel a worthless failure in life that nobody should ever love. I'm sure somebody could love me, but nobody should. Loving me just gets people hurt because I'll never live up to their expectations. I'll always push them away before they get close enough to see the real me and reject me for me instead of something dumb that I did.

I just want to end this with a little story: A few weeks ago my roommates and I are sitting around in the only air conditioned room in the house smoking as we tend to do, Whitney's sitting there with the pipe in her hand and feels Josh (her baby) kick, I say "He's tell you to quit camping mom." We all have a good laugh, but that just shows what an amazing kid he would have been. . . . . . RIP little boy.

I will never again get so close to someone that I'd be affected if they walked out of my life. That was my issue with A and I'm seeing this echoed again in K's new relationship. I will never love someone so much that when they walk out of my life for whatever reason, and they all do eventually, that it will hurt at all. What's weird is that I can still have feelings for K, obviously she used me, but she was fun and happy and hot. I know enough now to look at her relationship now and realize that she's in exactly the kind of relationship that she would have had with me. The guy does all he can to please her because he's so afraid to loose her. Which is exactly what happened with me and A. So if the parallel continues, she's eventually get tired of the way he's acting and realize that all the stuff he buys her isn't worth all the shit that she has to put with. What's sad is that it isn't his fault at all. With A I thought that I was doing the right thing. It really is scary to think about someone you "love" that much ever leaving you. I thought that she would be the cure to all of life's problems, but it didn't have to be her. I could have been any girl. I had put so much into having a relationship just because everyone else had one and they all seemed to be happy. I thought that it would cure the emptiness, and it did for a while. But yeah I ended up with a broken heart. The point of this whole lead up though:

I've learned my lesson. I would never get that attached to a girl. Now whoever I end up with, I won't give a damn if they walk out on me, I will never ask them to stay, I will never beg for anyone back. It's not worth it. If they didn't like me enough to stay, then asking them, or begging them to come back will only make it worse.

I hate people, rather I hate being around people. I know I have to be around people at work, but when I come home I just want to crawl into my cocoon and not let the rest of the world penetrate. Seriously, give me a sack of weed a video game and a house full of food and I'm in heaven. Or at least that sounds a lot more appealing than the current state of things. Really socializing seems like too much effort all I want to do is sit back and relax and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. Of course when that actually happens I'll be here screaming at the world that I'm bored, cursing god for making me so damned lonely. Of course there's always M. She's in love with me and I don't feel much for her. It seems like the way she acts towards me is a lot like the way I acted towards A. It's like living on the other side of the mirror it's that similar. I don't know if my experience with A and knowing how that turned out makes me reluctant to let any feelings that I have for M show through. But when it comes down to it, I just want sex from her. I know I can't stand her, but I don't know how much of me not being able to stand her comes from me.


To change the subject mid-sentence, I just deleted A from my Yahoo and Myspace lists, and out of my address book and off my phone. Right now I'm at the point where I'm desperately unsure of what I feel towards A. So unsure that I'm sure I don't want to explore it, but it will probably end with some revelation of how she used me or how unstable I really am.

Alas, I'm off to happier things .

So I woke up this morning with a weird urge to call my mother. I haven't talked to her in almost a month so I figured it might be time for me to call her. Then I realized that my family hates me for no good (or at least apparent) reason so it's best for me to just keep my weekly calls to my grandparrents as my only contact with the family. Just a random waking thought.

Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay. Why do people keep on asking that? On a given day I'm just barely keeping control over my emotions enough not to burst out into tears. I know nobody gives a fuck and it's a lot easier to deal with that way. Because if somebody cared enough to ask then I'd have to deal with the fact that I'm anything but okay. But really that's okay. It's okay because it has to be okay and the alternative would be unacceptable. It doesn't matter that I'm apparently such a fuck up in my family's eyes that they're now just loving me because they have to. I say I don't love my family, that I could give a fuck if they all went away, all the time desperately craving their approval. My cousin actually told me that I deserved to used, how fucked up is that? Remember that Christmas that my parents got me a copy of The 40 Year-Old Virgin? When they said my 14 year old cousin would get laid before me? But that's okay too, because I certainly proved them wrong. I took the first girl who would have me, it's not that I regret it, but I thought I'd find something close to love before I found physical release.

What scares me is that I don't really feel attracted to anyone for the first time ever. I'm not sure if no one seems appealing, or that it just a relationship doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm sure I wouldn't say no to relationship at this point or a quick lay (well that's another topic) but I just don't think it'd work out. I still feel the sting of rejection from K, and apparently it was my fault. I don't even feel lonely, I'm just sad.

Ugh, I hate my fucking life. I can't believe that at this point in life I can be so easily manipulated. I thought I was too disillusioned with relationships and friendship and life to let girls use me, but I guess I was wrong. I never really believed that liked me as anything more than a friend, or maybe I did and when I realized that she didn't it was too late to salvage anything else from the relationship. At that point she already saw that I would do anything for her just because I was already attached and desperate for attention, I think this has something to do with her falling from the pedistal. There is more here, but I don't have time to write it.

Today I cried . . . .

For all the reasons that I couldn't cry before I cried.
I cried because I'm going to be alone forever
Because nice guys really do finish last
Because my parents never loved me
Because I never loved them
I cried for lost love
For the big V
Given to the first who would take it
I cried because I'll never have it back
Fuck it, I don't know if there's a poem here
I cried because I finally felt overwhelmed
It finally felt okay to let it go
And I don't feel any better
I just feel like crying all the time
I don't want to stop
I want to crawl in bed and never leave
I want to relive that amazing day with M
When getting out of bed seemed like too much effort
When I was finally a normal person
When touch wasn't taboo
When love seemed possible
I cried because I gave it up
I couldn't love her
I promised
I told her I was different
I really believed it
I threw her away
Her drama was too much
I thought I could get better
I justified it by not giving false hope
I didn't say:
Let's be friends
I might love you some day
There's always a chance
I said:
We can never be
It's not you, it's me
I'm not ready for a relationship
I really did care
Mindless cliches lost in a broken heart
I thought I was different
I thought I was the nice guy
I was going to make it all better for her
I'm sorry
I miss what we could have had
Or maybe:
I just miss sex
I'm not the nice guy
Just a different method
To the same goal
Maybe I'm just another animal in search of satisfaction
I don't think so
Maybe
I'm sorry

So I just woke up from a dream that left me sad and depressed waking up from it. I dreamed that I was laying in a bed with K (the current crush thing that I know now doesn't give a damn about me) and I say something like "then I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms." Then I lean over and kiss her. It's just a basic kiss, though for someone that hasn't kissed a lot, it seemed amazing. In my dream, it was like I knew it was a dream as soon as our lips touched and I woke up feeling rejected and alone. I just feel so sad right now. Not rejected, just sad. I knew I was rejected and I know she's going after another guy, but I'm putting what little social life I have on hold right now waiting for K to decide that she likes me enough. Or more likely, she will probably never like me enough and I'm sacrificing my social life for nothing. So here's to first kisses, I hope if it does happen I won't feel quite this depressed. I'm sorry. Wait there's more of a dream coming back to me, it's me wandering around Salem dragging my blanket and looking for the bus station. Only when I get there, I have a car and I don't need a bus ticket. But before that I'm in a bar at a bus station and I have some money that I'm needing to gamble. Like there's an unnatural feeling forcing me to gamble. So I come across one of those pull tab machines like they have at bowling alleys, but it's busted open so they're all free. I pull them out and I see some big winners, but for some reason the next scene of the dream is me in V-Town hanging out with my friend and this girl from high school, (my lesbian friend who ended up in Iraq) is there too. I don't remember what happens from there and I think the kiss dream with K started the whole cycle of dreams.

All that and I still feel depressed over a god damned dream. Why can't we be more than friends? Because I knew that when I started the nice guy bit that it wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought that any attention from a girl was better than none, and I still kinda feel that way. Even if she is using me, at least she's talking to me. But now I realize that this is doomed to be unhappy. Like I've always said, I just want someone to hold. . . is that really so much to ask of the universe?

Either she doesn't know the feelings that I have for here are as strong as they are and she thinks that I'm just a nice guy, (ugh, what a horrible word that is, "nice guy") or she does know that I'm the one that thinks about her every day, the one that misses her when she's at work, the one that would hold her and hug her and make her feel like everything will be okay as long as I'm there (that's what she wants, she's told me that) and she's using me.

If the latter were the case, then she'd have to be malicious in her intents towards me. She would being all this on purpose. Maybe it's the optimist in me, or maybe the part of me that refuses to believe that anyone is ever bad, but I don't think she'd be doing this on purpose.

All these little signs from her that I grasp at are just gestures of friendship, I know it. I just want so much more than that, I want everything she wants out of a relationship but I think we're some how too different for it to ever work out. Just mindless excuses.

Then there's the part of me that hopes that she gets her heart broken by the guy that she's currently pursuing (the fact that she even tells me that shows how deep I am in the Friend Zone) and that I'm there to either pick up the pieces of her broken heart and make her better again, or to grind them into the ground so deep that she never loves again.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Of course they do. There are a million reasons why they finish last, try googleing the Ladder Theory. The trouble is, I don't know how to stop being the nice guy. Or maybe I do, but I just don't want to because that is who I really am. I just really like K, and I know being the nice supportive friend to her will get me nowhere. Past experience has more than taught me that . . . I don't know. I don't know why I'm letting myself get attached to someone that will never have me. I'm just setting myself up to get hurt and I've been hurt on and off since she came around. I'm full of all the cliches: we have such a deep connection, she's already told me that I'm a "great guy" and she called me "buddy", and I was the one that ran across town last night just to drop off something that she left here (she was baby sitting) and even though she gave me a quick hug I know when I'm in the friend zone. Still there's the part of me that can't help but hope, I don't know why I can't kill hope no matter how hard I try.