It seems that lately I've been waking every day in a state of panic. I go to bed somewhat peaceful, or at least too exhausted to stay awake for another second, and I wake up in near panic over issues that aren't quite clear. Could I be having nightmares that I don't remember? That would be a nice tidy explanation. I don't think it is though, I think I'm neglecting my bills etc. In pursuit of earthly pleasures. I know I shouldn't feel THAT bad about it, but something deep inside of me resists wasting life. It almost seems taboo to waste life, but sometimes it feels so good to do nothing. Then I wake up in a panic. The conclusion here is: I need psychiatric help. I need to talk to somebody, maybe be put on some pills, but something needs to be done. Waking up every morning in a panic, random thoughts of death, an undying loneliness that consumes me should I dare to let my mind wander. This is not normal. Or maybe it is, and the reason I feel that it's not normal is because I so desperately want to feel unique. This goes back to my last post where I ranted a little on the fact that I will never be rich, famous, smart, beautiful, or anything but a minor cog in a big, ugly corporate machine. I guess all I can do is sigh, and suck it up.

Do you ever get the feeling that something bad might happen? I've had that feeling for a while, and since I talked to the grandparents yesterday, I'm kinda nervous about them going to Europe right now. But it's more than just nervousness, it's a subtle sense of dread that I've been feeling since I've gotten this job. Now it seems to come to a head, I talked to them and I had an overwhelming feeling that this might be the last time. I probably shouldn't have written that, it makes me seem just a little more crazy than I really am. But in an effort to be completely honest with myself and all those who read this, it will stay in.