So they move my desk again. This is the fourth time since I've been here. They told me change my attitude, so I did. Now they cast me off. This is like in school when the teacher says get into groups and you ask if you can work alone just because you don't want the humiliation of looking around with the lost look on your face, begging somebody to take sympathy, inches from tears but you just can't let them see that. So you work alone, and you fail Spanish three time because you're forced to learn from books when everybody else gets to endlessly repeat Spanish. The same in Algerbra where you stare at the book longing to understand, begging God or who ever to just help you understand, while all around you people work in groups on problems that they all understand just because they work together so that they can have the moment where a concept that has been eluding them for so long clicks into place. The difference between them and you, they have that instant gratification that comes when people say good job, oh now I get it, or simply DUH! Instead when you have that moment of understanding, you're sitting at a desk alone pretending not to care about anybody but secret longing to be part of the group, absently staring at a book your eyes unfocused, when suddenly a stray thought catches another stray thought and they mix in harmony, though they are quickly forgotten in a haze of embarrassment from having hoped that somebody might care. It's the same as taking choir as an easy C, but getting into it because for the first time you feel bigger than yourself, to spend hours after school trying to train your voice to control your falsetto, and finally that elusive g note that's between your regular voice and falsetto, that is so crucial to a song. You don't know why you care, but all you know is somebody is there to say that you're doing good, and is telling you how to improve instead of telling you that you're wrong. For the same reason you skipped Prom to spend the night in your room alone with a bag and a video game. Because you care when you don't want to, because the boundless rejections of past life besiege you as you rest. This is why moving to the corner feels like every single time they teacher told you to get into groups, and every time you ever had hope that some girl who talks to you actually might be your ticket away from virgin hell. It's not that you're weird it's that you feel rejection so much harder than the rest of the world that you cling to every bit of hope that is sent to you. When you finally feel part of the "cool" group that you've been longing for since forever, they kick you out. And when you realize that they have a problem with you change instantly in the hope of it all being better again, when it isn't, you want to close your eyes and screem, let all the rage and depression take physical form, but you don't and you keep your mouth shut again, until one day it was all explode at the first person that asks you "how's life" and actually means it. But for now you type away in a blog that nobody reads, two posts in a day and a copy edit, and hope that somebody out there truly gives a fuck.