I have a good serious post in me today, and the subject will be:

When Best Friends get Girl Friends, Nothing is Ever the Same.

I had meant to write this later, but this post is begging to come out, even if it is at work. Now this has happened to me, at least twice in my life. The first time when Eric, my friend in high school, got a girlfriend. They were so perfect for each other, but they always fought. The point there, I went from hanging out with him most days after school to being an occasional friend. But that was good in the long run because they got really, really into drugs and they never were going anywhere in life. Besides he was never truly my friend, just someone who pretended to be one while milking me for every cent I was worth. So that's a bad case, and one of these days I'll write about him, but that will be a long drunken post on a night where the future seems bleak and the past even Bleaker.

The next friend I had who got a girl friend worked out a little better. When Shane found Opal in Job Corps it was devastating to me. Opal always seemed like the only girl worth anything in that Hell hole, of course I felt the same way of Shane. He was the only person with ANY brains at that place. He was the one person with whom loyalty seem a given, the one person who would see me drop my wallet and not pocket the money out of it. People in that place were vicious, but he was the exception. So when my best friend and my crush got together it hurt so bad. I wanted to be supportive to them, and I eventually was, but there was a time of a couple of weeks or months when I just avoided them. I threw myself into learning to cook and becoming the best damned cook in that Hell. I spent my time reading everything that place had to offer. It was mostly cheap paperbacks, but I buried myself in them. I worked incredible hours in the kitchen so that when I wasn't there, I was sleeping and when I couldn't sleep I read. I became a pack a day smoker in that time too. It was a bad time, but I eventually snapped out of it. And when I did, there they were, still my best friends only this time I had two. Still even then when things worked the best way possible, I was still the 3rd wheel. Whenever I was with them I never quite felt like I belonged, but I didn't know where else to go, so I sat in a corner and read. Now Shane and Opal are amazing people and they were still my friends through that knowing that I can never understand what it's like to be in love, or even lust for that matter. And there it is.

I had meant to write another long paragraph about my new friend getting a girlfriend, but that's just not necessary. This is why it's such a huge deal to me to loose friends to girlfriends. Because I can never, NEVER, EVER understand what it's like to love, (like, lust, want) somebody and for them to feel the same way. I have had glimpses into it, but they were always fleeting. A few hours then it was over. But I can still feel it, where everything seems okay in the world and I would give anything to feel more of it. When you look into someone's eyes and see the same longing, the complete comfort and contentment with being with you. Where no part of you in anything but perfect, true soul mates. Okay, maybe I've never really felt that way, and it probably doesn't exist. But I have felt lust, I think. I have felt something before, maybe it's just a feeling of intense hope that my eternal loneliness may finally be over. But alas, I'm straying from the subject, but not really. The point is, the reason I always loose friends to girlfriends is because I can never understand how they feel. When they say they're in love, or even "man I wanna F*** (that girl)", I can never understand that. Because I've just given up. I've stopped trying for years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I always here that when you stop trying someone will come along. Except it won't. Nothing will ever come along, I know that now, and soon I hope that I'll be able to accept it.