So I'm drunk again, and this time panicking over little things, except they're not little things, these are insults to my way of like, who I am. That's just not, this bitch is ruthless, but with a cute face. Am I living in a cliche' or am I living at all? Right now I am in the middle of a panic attack, and I'm going to write it to document it. It's weird though, I can provoke my panic attacks and postpone them 'till later. Like I can feel one coming on, but I can talk myself out of it. Sometimes I'm just so afraid. And what I'm most afraid of: this ruthless girl can bring me down, just from what's she seen. She could get me fired if I she really wanted to, I should really explain my trains of thoughts, and maybe they'll seem irrational. . . . .

. . . I'd rather had a job where everybody hates me than no job at all. So there's my way out, and this is weird because my panic attacks are always a series of weird connections that end up in me loosing my job, or dyeing, or some other catastrophic event. But in the middle of an attack, then those least likely of possibilities seems like a certainty. The trouble is I don't wake up all better, for days and sometimes longer I feel at the edge of an attack. I can't tell anybody about this, and even as I'm writing this I'm afraid that this might come back on me. You know what (and this is the basis for my multiple personality theory) I look up at this entry and I see the words afraid a lot. I am really afraid for no good reason, and that's why I need paxil again. I know I need to do that, but in order to do that, I need to change my life style. The main thing, and that's what I'll work on this week and next is fast food and 7-11. I know those habits are bad and I did them for way to long, but now it's time to save money and go from spending $20 to $10 and freeing money for all the little things, like furniture, groceries, maybe even paxil. God this blog is getting boring, but trust me it's therapeutic.