So I went out drinking last night and I was having a good time, spending more money than I should, drinking whatever was put infront of me, etc. I was out with my family, and then we go into this redneck strip club and I'm in the bathroom, and before I know it, I'm getting punched in the face. I guess this is a part of going to bars, it sucks, but that's fine with me. What bothers me is my reaction. I started calling him "sir" and appologizing, then when it was over, and I'm not sure how it even stopped because I was That drunk, I started bawling. Not brawling like fighting and kicking somebody's ass, it was crying, tears everything. And I didn't stop crying for ten or twenty minutes. And you know what, it felt good. All that shit that I bottled up for so long about frustration with my job, my life, knowing that there's nothing I can do about it and just botteling it up, just finally came out. It's like those posts where I talk about all I want to do is cry, or I just can't take it anymore and at the end, I just say something like "alas, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm just going to get kicked in the balls one more time and say FUCK IT!", finally I cried and it felt good after it was all done. I still feel ashamed, I still feel really, really ashamed, but it was around family, so it wasn't bad. It's not the way I should have handled it, but I learned a couple of leasons last night. One, if my survival instincts are really to appologize then cry, I really need new insticts. Two, my family (well at least my aunt, uncle, etc.) really are there for me no matter what through Hell and back, through my deepest falls and my highest highs, they will be there. And three, my mom really fucked up on me. I had always known this, I'd even talked about it, but last night made me realize how all of my social problems are my mom's fault. Which sounds bad because I'm not taking responsibility, but really it all goes back to her! And I really don't want to bash my mom, because I'm an American so I love my mama, ha ha. That's why I'm going to take out the "cheap whore" line from this post. All's well, what I gained from that night, before I got punched in the face and started crying, and even what I learned after made last night entirely worth while. Now as long as this doesn't go around the family, I'm good. And I realize a couple of people from my family read this blog, but I made a promise a long time ago that this blog is honest, raw emotion. I hold nothing back, because this will be a record of my decent into devine obscurity, or my rise to power!