I don't like being excluded. God this seems just like high school, where I spent four years observing the "cool" people like animals in a zoo, while loosing myself in a haze of feigned rebellion. Now irony pokes it's head and I'm still on the edge. Why don't people ask me what I think? Because they don't care. What this comes down to is a meeting between my boss and some co-workers. Apparently it was to ask the question: what can bosses do to improve. It seemed that she had the people that she liked over there, and when I asked her what the criteria for being invited to the meeting were, she said there were none. So I smiled and said I understood, but to me it seemed JUST LIKE HIGHSCHOOL! OMG I hate it, all I wanted to do is tell her that if she wants to meet with her friends, she should do it on her own time. It's amazing that this far out of highschool people still treat me like shit! I know it wasn't a direct insult to me, but it sure feels like it. I hate being excluded, am I not was good as the other people? Do I not do as much work or more than everybody else, did I not learn a product that I didn't really care about just so people who did not want to deal with drunk, backwards redneck customers could send them to me? I mean what in the hell do I have to do to get ahead in this Hell? I know my attitude has sucked recently, but goddamn, who's wouldn't at this point? I do more than most people, I know more than most people, and they STILL don't invite me to their meeting? This is pure, refined BS. Why do I even try at this job to be anything more than a mindless, souless, automaton of a phone monkey? The reason is that I still crave appoval.

And that's it, isn't it. It's not like highschool where I stood on the outside of the social circles because I was afraid to get rejected. This is like growing up when the little sisters would constantly get more love, attention, stuff than me. This has nothing to do with high school, this all comes down to jealousy. It seems kind of archaic to be talking about jealousy after all I've been through in life, but that's what it comes down to. I am no better than that psycho little 10 year old that I used to be, with the rage rippling through my body and no good way to express it. Well at least now I have a way to express it (thank god for Blogspot.) Still it hurts to be left out. I thought that I've grown up, but I really haven't. I haven't really matured any from that sadistic teenager or that mad, scared little boy. The emotions are still there, I've just learned to control them a little.