So I mentioned a couple of months ago a girl named Melody that brought up bad feelings in me. Here is a chat that I had with a friend where I released it all. For those of you who care and those of you who don't look at my soul and judge me worthy!

some_18_yo_guy: there was this girl in highschool
some_18_yo_guy: Melody
some_18_yo_guy: she used me and abused me
some_18_yo_guy: I took the fall for her too many times to remember
some_18_yo_guy: I did her homework
some_18_yo_guy: I did her work
some_18_yo_guy: she got my in trouble for harassment
some_18_yo_guy: she got me arrested
Opi-yum: ouch
some_18_yo_guy: she scammed me out of what little money I ever made
some_18_yo_guy: and after she got me arrested
some_18_yo_guy: I still went back to her
some_18_yo_guy: she could play me like guitar
some_18_yo_guy: and I would go back to her again
some_18_yo_guy: she knew that I wanted her
some_18_yo_guy: and she wasn't that great
some_18_yo_guy: in high school I could have had better
some_18_yo_guy: but my low self esteem prevented me from seeing that
Opi-yum: low self esteem is the pits. =/
some_18_yo_guy: the thought of her still brings back hate and shame more that I can ever describe
some_18_yo_guy: and still despite all that
some_18_yo_guy: if she cam to me right now and said
some_18_yo_guy: "after all I've been through, you're the only one's that's ever treated me right
some_18_yo_guy: I would go back to her without thinking
some_18_yo_guy: quit my job
some_18_yo_guy: spend all my savingss
some_18_yo_guy: I would still sacrafice it all for her
some_18_yo_guy: and I have no idea why
some_18_yo_guy: (phew I've been holding that in for WAY too long)

I am angry and bitter, and I am so sick of mindless office chatter. Why won't people shut up and do their jobs. Why do these annoying poeple fantasize about quitting this job, and they say it so loud, I hope they get fired. I hate socializing, and I don't want to be here. Who cares anymore, I know I don't. I just want to go home and wallow in self pitty.

What I am about to write is could get me fired and so in the interest of keeping my job I won't write it, even though I do my best writing when my anger is fresh, I must control myself. It seems that anger is boiling up and it needs to be released, oppression because I'm fat, everybody is trying to talk me out of going to Disneyland, favoritism at work and a huge and unjust bill from Qwest. I need a release I need to yell and scream at someone or anyone, I know I don't want to and I know it will get me fired so I will grit my teeth and get kicked again by that cruel SOB in the sky!

To all of those who doubt my skills on question and escalation queue:

I WOULD NOT BE ON THIS LINE IF I DIDN'T PASS THE TEST. I REALIZE THAT I'M RELATIVELY NEW AT THIS JOB, BUT IF THE SUPERVISORS TRUST ME TO THE ONLY PERSON ON THE QUESTION QUEUE, THEN OBVIOUSLY I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO VALIDATE MY ANSWER WITH A SUPERVISOR, JUST TO LEARN THAT I'M RIGHT? YOU HAVE TO KNOW BY NOW THAT I SAY I'M RIGHT, I'M RIGHT. IF I AM NOT CERTAIN THAN I WILL CHECK WITH SOMEBODY ELSE. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AFRAID TO ACCEPT WHAT I SAY AS RIGHT? AND OF COURSE YOU NEVER HESITATE TO DUMP AN ANGRY CUSTOMER ON ME WHEN THEY ASK FOR A SUPERVISOR! ALL OF YOU CAN GO TO HELL.

AND ONE MORE THING, THEY SAID WHEN I DIDN'T GET THE JOB THAT THE TEAM NEEDS TO TRUST THAT I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, HOW CAN I WHEN THEY'RE CONSTANTLY GUESSING ME.

LIKE I PREVIOUSLY STATED, ALL THOSE WHO QUESTION ME AND ROT IN THE OF THEIR SOULS WHILE I STAND ON THE SIDE AND THROW LIT CIGARETTES AT THEIR PUTRID FLESH!

So this is a post that will not be published due to certain outside influences. But it's something that needs to be said because it's welling up inside of me screaming to break loose from the depths of my soul. So the gist of what I'm going to say: I am so sick of being pure. I want to be the rebel that I used to be. The guy that just didn't give a fu*k, who did what he wanted when he wanted with regard to nobody but himself. Was I ever that person, really? Probably not. But I am so filled with anger and resentment right now. I want to be me, but I don't know "me" anymore. Did Job Corps kill my rebelious spirit, or did I ever have it? Am I maturing, and loosing personality, or did my personality ever really exist?

So I'm sitting here in my apartment alone, and I start to regret certain things. The main thing I regret and I HOPE it doesn't come back to haunt me, is that I didn't take rejecting as maturely as I'd hoped. Tomorrow I'll go to work with a smile on my face, and sit at my desk and work, without talking to anybody. Just forget I'm anything but an organic answering machine.

So I was depressed now after thinking on it for 4 hours, and almost half way though the day, I'm just Mad! So please excuse the all caps as I tell you why I'm mad.

THEY SAY THAT THE REASON I DIDN'T THE JOB IS BECAUSE I'M NOT EXPERIENCED ENOUGH. THAT THE TEAM DOESN'T TRUST ME TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I FILLED OUT THEIR DAMNED QUESTION/ESCALATION QUEUE TEST AND I ACED IT. I WAS ON THE QUEUE FOR 2 DAYS BEFORE THEY TOOK ME OFF. I CONSTANTLY ASK FOR MORE WORK AND I NEVER COMPLAIN. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS WORK OUT KNOW MORE THAN PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN HERE TWICE AS LONG! NOW I DON'T WANT TO GO OFF ON A RANT ABOUT HOW MUCH THIS COMPANY SUCKS BECAUSE I'VE LEAKED THE LOCATION OF THIS BLOG TO PERSON FROM WORK AND AS MUCH AS I THINK I TRUST HER, I WILL NOT PUT JOB IN ANYBODY'S HANDS. BUT I'LL TYPE IT AND REFRAIN FROM PUBLISHING FOR NOW. THIS COMPANY IS THE FAST FOOD OF THE BUSINESS WORLD. WHY I EVER THOUGHT I WANTED TO ADVANCE IS BEYOND ME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WAS SO PROUD OF THIS JOB, IT'S NOTHING AND I KNOW IT. WOULD I BE THIS PROUD OF WORKING AT BURGER KING? OF COURSE NOT, AND WOULD I BE PROUD OF BEING ASSISTANT MANAGER AND SAID BURGER KING? HELL NO. THIS IS JUST A JOB AND I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. SERIOUSLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WAS SO PROUD OF THIS, AND THAT JUST EATS AT ME.

To realize that the confidence I had built up was for nothing. I fed these people mounds of BS about how I want to stay with this company and advance, etc, etc. etc, and they loved the interview. But they wouldn't give me the job! UGH! Seriously, how much ass do I have to kiss in this place to get ahead? The money isn't great, so I'm not doing for the money, but my god. There is nothing that I could have done differently that would have gotten me this job. And that's what makes me mad. I did everything right and I did it all exceptionally, and it wasn't good enough! So when my best isn't good enough, then it's time to give up. I want to know, but I shouldn't ask, did they just give me the same speech that they gave everyone else, or does it matter. I want to forget about life right now,

So I didn't get the job. I shouldn't be this disappointed, but I am. All I want to do is go home and hide for a while. I want to drink myself into stupidity, and I don't care how much money I spend to do it. I just want to go home. Unfortunately, I have to stay here for another 8 hours and work. Pretend to be happy, and pretend to care when it is so hard not to leave. Just say I'm sick and that I don't care. I want to go home and wallow in depression. I want to pretend I don't exist. Well at least I know that I'm not living in a dream, though my dreams are not always pleasant. Alas, 63 days till Disney Land, and all is not well. But who was I to hope? Why do I even try to advance, sue's right this job is no better than fast food. This is a nothing job, I'm good at it, but who cares. If somebody is good at fast food does that make them successful? Of course not. Well there's something good that comes from all this disappointment, now I will not so thoroughly define myself by my job. Of course if I don't define myself by my job then what do I define myself by? Really there is nothing more to me. Life in the pursuit of distraction? Can I seriously define myself as hedonist if I know no pleasure? A self denying hedonist, the ultimate oxymoron. Well, I'm still depressed and I need a cigarette, I don't care about my compliance score any more, so an unscheduled break is my near future. So a half a cigarette made me feel a little bit better. At least I no longer have the overwhelming desire to spend mass amounts of money and damn the consquences. And I don't really want to go home right now. I realize that everything I do, I do either for money or for distraction. Damn everything and everybody, I'll exist just to exist, and just a side note before I close this long rambling entry of despair, I prayed to God, many, many times to get this job. I was truly believing in God for the first time in a long time, and then he kicks me in the head just when life has potential. So much for God!

So I had written a nice long entry on how I'm afraid to exist, etc. But now I just did my interview for the senior rep. posisstion. I'm so nervous. I nailed the interview, I mentioned everything I meant to mention, I had extra resume, basically the culmination of all the training I've ever had on interviews. The only thing I couldn't control is my nervousness. I didn't stumble over words, but I have a tendency to shake when I'm nervous and I wasn't able to control that. They said I should know by tomorrow, but I am SO nervous. I know I shouldn't get the job, but I know I nailed the interview and the only thing that's going against me is that everybody else that's apply has been here longer than me. So just because I'm bored and nervous etc. I'm going to list things for me and things against me.

Going FOR me:

1. 1 occurrence in 4 months at job
2. No call log errors since October
3. Opinions editor of Newspaper
4. SGA Treasurer at Job Corps
5. scheduling at Job Corps
6. A great interview
7. The bosses like my initiative, and me personally

Things AGAINST me:

1. Lack of seniority
2. One bad monitor score
3. I don't know how the other interviews went

Ugh, I just don't know and it's killing me. If I don't get this job now, I'm going to have to wait forever for another one to open up. Alas, I'll know tomorrow. So if I'm depressed and mad tomorrow you'll know why, on the other hand if my post is pure joy and nervousness, then I probably have the job. I'm so nervous, lol :)

67 days 'till Disney Land, and all is well. Well, mostly well. I was talking to soon to be wed sue last night, and she put a little seed of worry into my sub-conscience. She told me I should worry about having to pay on taxes. Everybody I know is telling me I'll probably have to pay, and in all my weekly horoscopes, there's talk of a big expense coming my way. So thanks to sue, my every action and thought is flooded with worry. Like going to heaven and finding the ground has a quarter inch of water on it. Not enough to ruin paradise, but you always know it's there. So thanks sue!

I'm tired, really tired, and vaguely depressed for no real reason. I noticed it last night when I was sitting at my computer with nothing to do, staring with no actual purpose, except that my computer, as old as slow as it is, was my only portal to the outside world. While sitting there contemplating nothingness, lost in the boundless failures of past lives, I realized just how truly lonely I am. Now I've written a lot on loneliness in this blog, but last night it hit me hard. Of course that happens once in while, but who am I to complain? Wait a second, this is my goddamned blog and I can complain as much as I want to. But let's not.

In other better news: 68 days 'till Disney Land. I started the count down at 80 days 'till Disney Land, and already it's through the 70's and into the 60's, it a week in will be into the 50's and then another 10 days and I'm half way through. So right now I'm about 12.5% through my countdown, with something like 25% of the money needed saved. So as of right now I'm saving money for Disney land at twice the rate that I need to. Of course taxes will either take all of the money from my Disney land fund, or add to it considerably, but I won't know that for a month or so.

It's amazing how comforting numbers are. Because numbers offer proof that I'm actually doing something rather than existing. Of course who is to say that I do in fact exist? Why is it so unfeasible to be living the proverbial dream within a dream? I know that a week ago I woke up, and did everything I usually do and then I walked to work and it seemed so dreamlike, that anything that imagined would be mine. Who is to say that I'm not in a coma right now. How do I know that I woke up that morning, or even if I've woken up since. Come to think of it, that was the day that I got approved for vacation that they said I would NEVER get approved for. That was also the day that they put my on question/escalation for the first time. That was by far the most perfect day ever at work, and nothing from that point on has felt precisely real. So the conclusion to all this mindless ranting? I don't know that I'm not dreaming.

For a long, long time I told myself that I like to be lonely. That my life is supposed to be filled with endless despair and rejection. And then something happened, where I was happy in life for no good reason. Well maybe I have a reason, but it's not a good one. So I realize that they can put me on whatever que they want me to, whenever they have any reason to, but who cares, by putting me back on regular que from question/escalation for a week, they damage my fragile happiness. Contentment is fine, happiness is great, but it's all so fragile. How can I say that happiness isn't good for me, and that I fear it, when this week has been amazingly great. This writing is real crap. Definitely not the high quality writing that I'm used to producing. But I don't feel really passionate right now, I just feel depressed. Well, what am I going to do about it? Nothing. I don't want to be here, and I want to go home and pretend I'm not real.

Random thought of the day: I love Over Time, I am making $126 today!! Sure I haven't had a day off since last Wednesday, and I won't have a day off until Saturday, but: I've done 18 1/2 hours OT since Saturday, or a total of: $222 in pure OT, or $222 towards Disney Land in 72 days! That $200 will pay for my ds, and any taxes that I get back, if any, I'll put in the Disney land fund. Other wise, I can live like I normally do, though I have to eat out less. Which I have been doing, I haven't eaten out since Sunday, and two days is kind of a record for me recently. I promise myself that I will not eat out today, well maybe I will since it's an OT day, but I will only eat out on OT days. In other news, I will not, will NOT! Come in for OT on Saturday, even though I would love the money, and I would seriously love the money, I really want to see the Seahaks loose. Or maybe if they call me in, I will work. Who knows. I might.

Damn comfort, lead hate and resentment reign! Happiness is an illusion, my loneliness and hate make me real. I am not the professional little peeon that they want me to be. They feed me lobster tail, and now they expect me to eat dog FOOD?! I clung to comfort in conformity, I dreamed of happiness, now I return to the only thing that comforts: Loneliness and hate. Damn all those who are not me. Now all the built up feelings come to the surface, and I know I should swallow the bile and do my job like the PEEON that I am, but I don't want to, and I can't if I wanted to. What I desire more than anything in life right now is to go back to the way things were, oh so long ago. When my life was a constant persuit of herbal cures to ease the pain that didn't really exist. I know things can't stay the same, but neither must they change so rapidly. Like I said, DAMN THOSE WHO ARE NOT ME!!!

I don't want to be resentful, but I am. I shouldn't care, but I do. I know it's not personal, but still the resentment reigns. They tantalizing me with samples, then pull it away. Like the carrot to the mule, they keep me moving with promise of reward, then they cruelly yank it back. The mule wonders: does it deserve the carrot? Or will it soon be relegated to the divine obscurity of mindless labor, masticating dirty, trampled grass mixed brutally with the excrement of failure?

A purple turtle on plagman drive, I touch it and it's a shell. I look to the left, and the turtle is walking shell-less back to it's shell still grasped in my hand, I wake up, and I'm alone.

The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and dispare. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

Now I know the word surreal has recently been deemed a cliche' by the people that deem those things, but today seems surreal. It's like I'm living in a dream, and I don't quite know if I'll wake up in a few hours and have to repeat this whole day. Now there are a few reasons I could feel this way, first of all, and probably the main reason. They're putting in a new bath tub down stairs and even though I kept my windows open up until I went to bed, I still slept in all kinds of chemical fumes. So maybe that's it, maybe I'm just high, ha ha ha. That would also explain why I my lungs feel small, like I can't quite get a full breath in my lungs. The other reason, somebody from Job Corps called me today. The career transition person and that brought up all kinds of fun memories about how I was institutionalized. Not like a mental hospital, but more like boarding school kinda prison, basically I never had to make any decisions for myself, and those that I did I made purposefully wrong because I got scared of success, but fear of success is something that I fight every day. The suppressed desire to crush any and all success that I ever achieve is strong. The stench of abysmal failure is a familiar one, like a captured person loving their capturer, my soul fights for failure while my mind wants success. As you can see from the rambling nature of this post, there is defiantly something wrong with me today. So before I write something that I regret, I think I'll stop here.

After all that bull shit about probably not gettingapproved for Vacation in March, I was just approvedfor 3-27--4-2, and I have to take 2 sick days, andI'll get incidents, but the point is: I'm Going toDISNEY LAND!!!!!Ha ha, this day is almost going too good to be true. A day like this is almost always followed by a seriesof unfortunate events, but for now, I'm going with youguys!! I even talked to my supervisor, just to makesure I won't get fired for taking those two days assick days :)Also, I got promoted, so even though I'm not makingany more money, I'm taking questions and escalations,so if a possistion comes open, I'm way, way up on thelist to get it.I was just so excited about it and wanted to tellsomeone about it :)

I feel so inept! Well it's my first night on question line, so I really shouldn't feel this bad, but there are so many questions that I don't know the answer to. Though I rarely call the question line, there are times when I do, and I just don't know what to do! Sure I can make it my goal in life to know all the answers, and I'm slowly learning most of the answers, even though I've only been on the question line for 2 1/2 hours. So I know I'm learning, but it is so hard not to bring myself down. There are just so many things I don't know. I can take any escalation, and it won't bother me, people can scream at me and tell me what a piece of shit I am, and it still won't bother me, what truly bothers me is not knowing everything that I should. But my will shall persevere!

Life is going great, and yet, I still wait for it to crash into the familiar misery that I've always known. I've accepted the futility of it all, that we all live life in the pursuit of distraction. I've learned to embrace my loneliness, even enjoy it. But always there is the undefined longing, the subtle feeling of waiting, and never quite knowing why. Lost potential and hidden desire Replaced by divine obscurity. How long must I feel this way before it all becomes clear, and I have a purpose in life? Isn't that the question we all ask ourselves? Or maybe it isn't. Maybe in my quest for conformity, I rationalize the most obscure thoughts.


That would be a great place to end, but I have other news. I've been promoted, not really because promotion implies raise, and they would never give me more money. But now I'm on the question and escalation que, I think, considering I've gone 7 minutes without a call and I haven't gone 7 minutes without a call all day, it makes me think I'm on it. Anyway, I passed the test so I'm feeling big. Until I get my first question or escalation and I f*ck it up. But for now I'm feeling big.

So one half hour into the new year I have but one resolution: to refrain from drinking until my rightful 21st on August 19th 2006, and to never EVER spend another new year's alone. Of course that implies loosing my purity in 2006, but for now, I will never EVER spend another new years alone. To all of those who care and especially those who don't HAPPY F@!$%^& NEW YEAR !!