Now is the time decide if I am going to be part of this family or just another renter.  Rather, it's time for them to decided if they want me as part of this family or just another renter.  I actually wanted to be part of this family, I wanted to recapture what I didn't have growing up.  Maybe it was never there. This isn't my fault.  I tried.  I tried to make this work.  When they raised the rent by $50, I didn't say anything.  When they violated the complete sovereignty of my room that I insisted upon before agreeing to move, I still didn't protest.  I bent over and took it because I wanted to help my family. They were getting evicted and I stepped in to help them.  I gave up my life to pay THEM rent.  Granted, it wasn't much of a life to give up.  But I still tore myself away from it to help them.  It's not as if I haven't suffered.  The limited social skills that I have fought so hard for have gone.  I can't go into Wal*Mart without being attacked by anxiety.  I can't enjoy being around my friends without being nervous.  Of course it was like this before.  And I really don't have any point here.  I'm just frustrated.  I wanted to be part of this family, but I'm feeling like they don't want me to be.  If they're not going to offer me a place to sit in the living room, if I'm going to be expected to sit on the floor to be part of this family, if rent does not entitle to me to even a small portion of what should be a common area, then fuck them.  I'll be just another renter.  These people don't mean anything to me.  Of course they do.  But I can pretend.

Disillusioned.  Completely and utterly disillusioned.  The foundation of all that I held sacred has been shattered.  Okay so maybe not.  Same story I've written a hundred times here: I meet a girl, fall in love, she just wants to be friends, this time I did "just want to be friends" . . . I was happy with it.  She gave me something that I needed when I was going through a hard time in life.  Not sex or anything like it.  I'm pretty sure that I'm officially too fat to get laid, and even though I'm not really okay with it, it does take a lot of the pressure off.  She gave me a caring ear when I needed it the most.  She pretended to care when no one else would.  Or rather, I believed that she cared when I didn't trust anyone else.  Now I don't think she ever cared.  Or maybe I'm just being a selfish kid because my friend was dealing with her own issues and I wanted to whine about my own.  That's it.  I should delete what I just wrote, but I'm not going to.

I know I've been really selfish lately.  I'm so wrapped up in quitting.  All I want is someone that understands.  Someone to be proud of me for doing one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I should just be proud of myself and I should have been a better friend to her.  Wow, I'm such an inconsiderate asshole.  Of course, I did help her move, babysit for free and let her borrow money for gas.  Now I feel like she owes me.  I've lost so many friends because I thought they owed me.  Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe.  I just don't know.  I've never known.  Now seven days (or really a month with a weekend off) into quitting everything is coming back to the surface that was oppressed when I wasn't quitting. 

So in short, I'm scared, lonely, and mildly suicidal at the same time afraid that I'm going to die if I don't quit eating like I do.  As usual I'm a total mess that doesn't deserved to be loved. 

A fellow blogger recently spoke of the hole in us all that we struggle to fill.  They filled that hole with sex and relationships and I filled it with drugs.  There really is no difference.  What I filled that hole with filled it so completely that it was overflowing.  Now I can never have that again.  Nor would I want it.

One more note on this rambling post . . . I know a little boy who's had leukemia for a few months and he's been doing the chemo thing.  I haven't seen him for a couple for a couple of weeks and when I saw him today he looked Really skinny.  I'm not sure if he's doing okay, but if you read this, would you please send some prayers to whatever gods you pray to that he gets better?  That kid is so smart and I saw him not a year ago being the rowdiest one in the group, now he's always tired and he gets hurt easily.  So please, keep little Cameron in your thoughts.

Q 7.1

So a five minute free write, that's all I have time for.  And yeah I quit, and then I failed and then I quit again.  But my life isn't about quitting anymore.  I needed to see that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, it's not greener on this side either.  It's all the same shade of dull gray waiting for me to give my own color to it.  What else is on my mind?  I don't know.  I'm going back to Albany today to see Z.  Last time I went, I failed on my adventure in quitting and I didn't see her because I was too ashamed.  Now she's moving and I'm going to be there to help.  I'm always going to be there to help.  She's been there through so much, I don't want her to be another Amy.  A friend lost because I was never satisfied with friendship.  More of the same shit, more of the same nothingness and everythingness that is my life.  I want so much.  I alternate between extreme fear that I'm dying, and the desire to slowly kill myself with food and cigarettes.  I just want to give up trying.  Today is not that day.  Today is the day that I go to town to see a friend and I don't end up hurting myself along the way.

Q 0.1

Me: It was a weird day . . . I'm having a crisis of confidence myself, or rather I realize that I've been in the middle of a giant crisis of confidence since I lost Signal and I'm finally realizing it. I don't want to be built up, cause everyone always tries to build me up, but I honestly have no idea why anyone could possibly like me as a person when I do such horrible things sometimes.

So now that I've realized that I'm right back where I started six years ago, now it's time to build myself back up step by painful step.

Z: because under it all, YOU are a great person and just need to realize it... My kids love you and they are innocent enough to tell bad people

Those steps are way painful because I am there with you

 

Just something I wanted to save.  Totally made me cry.  Z is the one person that I never question her motives.  When Z says something like that you can't help but believe her.  To best friends!

Q12

So tired, so hungry, so depressed. Just feeling down today.  I don't crave anymore and I think I'm going to end the Qs after Saturday.  Two weeks.  That's what it took for it to get off of my mind.  Now I'm just sad and alone and I have to start picking up the pieces.  I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what's next.  I don't even really know what I want except to eat.  I want to eat all the time, but now since I'm no longer doing one thing that would have ended up killing me, I have to quit food.  Not quit eating completely, just eating to the point where I'm full all the time.  Speaking of all the time, my tooth is hurting pretty much all the time now.  It's always aching, I just want it to go away.  I want to eat without thinking about how pain I'll be in afterward.  I want to eat without feeling guilty.  I want, I want, I want, I want, I want!  That's all I can think about is what I WANT!  UGH!

Q11?

So I've quit.  I've quit everything!  I thought that it was cause of my anxiety and paranoia, why am I still feeling both as bad as ever?  This wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to quit and it was all supposed to be magically better.  And to top it all off, I was in the middle of a conversation and all of the sudden the flavor comes back in my mouth for no reason.  Damn it!  This is so frustrating! 

For once, not a quitting related post.  Looking at pictures of Herz, either she doesn't photograph well or I was blinded by something like love or devotion or I dunno.  It's just weird.  If my feeling towards Herz don't hold up to barely a week away, what else won't hold up?

Q9 - Why do I always wake up so ANGRY?

Wow, I need to wake up happy one of these days . . . I'm sick of life.  I'm sick of the routine.  Same thing every day.  Sobriety, eating, reading, sleeping, more long, boring, sobriety!  I'm so sick of it!  I can't wait to give in.  Just a few more days I think, then fuck it.  Who really cares anymore?  I'm sitting here pouring my soul to the universe, day after day and still not one comment?  Doesn't anybody care about what I'm going through?  I've said this before, but I miss my fake friends.  I don't even care that they use me for every cent that I have and then ignore me for the rest of the time.  Give me that instead of this purgatory of sobriety.  It's been 9 days sober and it's killing me.  I crave that which must not be named, but more, I crave the false sense of camaraderie.  So I go back to bed like I usually do and maybe I'll wake up happier, I really hope I do . . .

Q8 - So ready to give in

First of all, why is nobody commenting on all of these posts?  These are compelling!  I'm quitting the hardest thing there is to quit.  Nobody cares?  Well I guess that's pretty much my situation in life, nobody really cares.  They all just wanted something.  And today I wake up to: "Oh, you were gonna stay here for $250 a month and free food, but now you're eating more than we thought, so that's not gonna happen." So now I have to pay $300 a month so it's only $25 less than what I was paying in Albany and THERE'S STILL NO CABLE!  Comm'on people.  It's football season, it's finally the regular season, football is what you're supposed to do on Saturdays and Sundays.  I don't even get to watch the Seahawks play?  Fuck you people.  I just want to go back to Albany and get back into what I was into.  Sure I was broke all the time, but at least I could eat what I want and watch football all weekend and nobody was gonna tell me otherwise.

But no.  I'm just mad.  I'm not gonna go back to Albany to get back into what I was into.  It's just SO hard right now.  I dreamed about it last night.  All last night I was searching, searching, searching for a bag. I couldn't find one and I couldn't find minutes for my phone.  And even when I did find a phone to use to call the people that I would call, I couldn't dial the number right.  At some point in the middle of the dream, I was babysitting for Lady Gaga and she took me into her back bedroom and offered me a that which I desire most.  It was amazing.  What's sad is that it barely registered that I was sitting in a bedroom with Lady Gaga, all I remember is doing what I so desperately want to do.  Sad, pathetic, I know. And then to wake up to this, it was just too much.  So now I'm going to smoke one more cigarette and I guess go back to bed for a couple hours.  Maybe I'll find some football on the radio, yay.

But I don't want to pout.  Not publicly.  On the outside maybe I get a little quiet, maybe I get act a little frustrated.  But they cannot know how up and down my emotions are right now.  Lonely and bored, to craving, craving, craving.  Angry at the people that love me the most?  That's not right, and I'm not going to give into that.  I'm not going to show it.  I appreciate what they're doing for me, I really do.  I just wish I could show them how much I appreciate it.  I mean I try.  I always pick up after myself, I always do anything they ask of me, though this yard work thing kinda pisses me off.

I guess, no matter how hard I try, I will forever be the ungrateful teenage piece of shit that they still see me as.

Q7 - Sobriety Sucks

When do the cravings ever end?  Six days of sobriety and I'm bored and lonely and I'm afraid that I'm loosing the little bit of social skills that I acquired through years of intoxication.  I'm afraid to go out, I'm afraid to go back to Albany.  What if I go back and I find that it's not all that I've built it up to be.  It's only been five days since I've left, but it might as well be a lifetime.  I'm sure they've all but forgotten about me there.  What if I am all alone?

Oh and I still have money. Like over $80 and I have eight packs of cigarettes.  I tried gambeling $20 on Thursday and it just wasn't fun alone and sober.  So I sit around and I eat and I sleep and I read and I blog. And I smoke.  But smoking a pack a day is a lot of work.  You pretty much have to be smoking 1-2 an hour for every hour that you're awake and that's harder than you might think.

So yeah, sobriety sucks.  It's boring and lonely.  What more can I say?

Q5

So I have money and it's burning a hole in my pocket . . . I don't want to buy what I shouldn't buy, but I still want to go out and spend it.  I mean, what is money for if not to spend?  The urge to spend is slowly abating, but if I'm not spending all my money on one thing or another, then what the hell am I doing with my life?  I have no idea.  Blah.

Q6

Woke up and realized that I am 100% not intoxicated on anything . . . it's scary.  Sobriety sucks and I'm still feeling anxiety.  I mean I still have a significant amount of money in my pocket and I realize that it's not the intoxication that I miss, I miss people.  I'm lonely!

So many of the people that were huge parts of my life less than a week ago are now ignoring me.  My "best friend" was just using me as a free babysitter.  My other friends were just using me for free stuff of one kind or another.  Still, I'd rather have all my fake friends back, instead of sitting here all alone trying to figure out who was a real friend and who wasn't.  What if at the end of this journey, I find out that I really did have no friends, and that the only reason people hung out with me was because I gave them stuff?  Talk about a fear that's right up there with dying.

Q4

I'm going to have money tomorrow . . . I didn't want to have money tomorrow.  It's been four days without and I've done that before. Tomorrow will be the test, I'm going to have some money and I'm going to be hanging out with a friend and I'm going to be trying so hard not to go buy something.  What if I fail?  I probably am going to fail.  I'm afraid.  The ONLY reason I moved here is so I would be away from everything,  So here I sit, probably gonna fail tomorrow, but I'm gonna try and do my best and that's all I can do.  Please God, give me the strength to say no tomorrow.  I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

Q4

Last night I was called by one of my old friends to see if my normal paynight routine was on and I had to tell him no.  That was hard.  It is so tempting to go back to the way things were.  But I said no.  That is all.

Q3

Today I have done nothing to feel guilty about.  I have not been intoxicated in any form in over 36 hour and I have done nothing mechanical in almost four days.  This week and next are going to be the easy parts, the hard part comes on the 2nd payday after I move here when I'll have money and nothing to do.  Still, that's a couple weeks away, for now I bask in virtue.

First day in Labanon, and I can't help but miss all those things about Albany that I was running away from.  Not just the mechanical stuff, but the idiot drunks that I woke up to every morning, the loud annoying neighbors, and I miss Suzan.  I didn't get to say goodbye to her before I left.  I'm sure she'll barely even notice that I'm gone, except for the free babysitter part.  But I know she was never going to be my Happily Ever After, but it was nice having a someone to talk to when I felt down, someone just to hang out with when I was bored, someone who trusted me with her deepest secrets and her most precious possessions.  Just her being in my life made it a little bit better.  And now, she's gone.  Along with so much of the rest of the mindless crap that made my day tolerable and my life my own.  And it's all my fault.  I decided that I wasn't strong enough to "Just Say No".  So I had to leave. I had to run away from my problems the first chance I got.  I sad.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Oh and for now: Q2.

Just a quick observation.  I'm in the middle of a family BBQ, sitting in the computer room all alone wandering the Internet and one of the dogs (there are four here) comes up to me and wants me to pet it, then when I stop it's still laying here.  This dog would rather spend time with me than go play with her friends, touching.

Wow today was interesting, last night I Meant to be responsible. I Meant to be a good boy and eat and have a goodnight sleep before I went off to my first day at work. All I wanted was some "maintenance", just do a couple things to make the world a little better and then go off to nighty night land. . . and then it didn't happen. After fixing one issue, I went onto another and another and before I knew I had to take all of the credit fixing things instead of spreading the glory around to my very capable and gerous friends. So after getting way greedy with the "credit" and loosing some parters in the shop, I end up staying up until three in the morning obsessing over the fact that I have to work tomorrow and all I can think about is how much time I spent trying to work on an issue . . . the point is, I ended up staying up all night obsessing over things that while relivent, did not make me a better new worker boy. . .

So I flipped. I tried and I tried to sleep and concentrate on the task at hand and getting some sleep, the harder I tried, the less effective I became. So there I am, it's six thirty in the morning, the sun is up and I'm in the shower still trying to stop obessing over the irrelivent, so I try some more and an hour before I have to go to work I'm at my nieghbor's house asking if my mind is so far on mechanics that everyone at the new job will notice that my mind just isn't it. If they know that my mind isn't it, then why bother to show up in the first place. . . I mean, rather be fired for not showing up than to be fired for being too preoccupied.

So I go. I fought and then I went. I'm there. First, I'm in a new environment, a place that I've never been before with thousands and thousands of strangers crowding all around me and I'm late! I don't want to late for my first day. If I'm late, why bother showing up . . . see, it was an out. But I did show up. And I'm set in a non-speicific place, doing a non-specific task, with not enough information. Litterally, I was placed on a line and told to keep people from cutting through the flag. I wasn't told what to say or exactly what to do, or where to stand or how to stand. And I was stuck in a the middle of 40,000 people people as they ALL filed past me. Wow, I felt like a tweeked out retard splayed out for all the world to gape at and comment on. . . and then after the worst of it, and a break and a big bottle of much needed water, I slowly start to realize that this is not much different from the rest of my jobs.

It's all trouble shooting (like when I stood infront of a broken bottle telling people to watch out for the glass) or customer service, like when I was asked by the VIP lady where the shuttle was and I bullshitted and answer, and then there was passing the buck. When I didn't know, I pointed them in a vague direction for someone that did have the answer. Just like call center work (and some variation of that will be my facebook status). So I got a compliment from my supervisor, and I figured out a job while facing my fears and I stood in the hot sun for five, long brutal hours. So in short, I feel accomplished. Still I feel bad for being greedy before, but that still be old Manni popping up his head, though I kinda don't think so. And now I'm tired and it's time to sleep.