Q8 - So ready to give in

First of all, why is nobody commenting on all of these posts?  These are compelling!  I'm quitting the hardest thing there is to quit.  Nobody cares?  Well I guess that's pretty much my situation in life, nobody really cares.  They all just wanted something.  And today I wake up to: "Oh, you were gonna stay here for $250 a month and free food, but now you're eating more than we thought, so that's not gonna happen." So now I have to pay $300 a month so it's only $25 less than what I was paying in Albany and THERE'S STILL NO CABLE!  Comm'on people.  It's football season, it's finally the regular season, football is what you're supposed to do on Saturdays and Sundays.  I don't even get to watch the Seahawks play?  Fuck you people.  I just want to go back to Albany and get back into what I was into.  Sure I was broke all the time, but at least I could eat what I want and watch football all weekend and nobody was gonna tell me otherwise.

But no.  I'm just mad.  I'm not gonna go back to Albany to get back into what I was into.  It's just SO hard right now.  I dreamed about it last night.  All last night I was searching, searching, searching for a bag. I couldn't find one and I couldn't find minutes for my phone.  And even when I did find a phone to use to call the people that I would call, I couldn't dial the number right.  At some point in the middle of the dream, I was babysitting for Lady Gaga and she took me into her back bedroom and offered me a that which I desire most.  It was amazing.  What's sad is that it barely registered that I was sitting in a bedroom with Lady Gaga, all I remember is doing what I so desperately want to do.  Sad, pathetic, I know. And then to wake up to this, it was just too much.  So now I'm going to smoke one more cigarette and I guess go back to bed for a couple hours.  Maybe I'll find some football on the radio, yay.

But I don't want to pout.  Not publicly.  On the outside maybe I get a little quiet, maybe I get act a little frustrated.  But they cannot know how up and down my emotions are right now.  Lonely and bored, to craving, craving, craving.  Angry at the people that love me the most?  That's not right, and I'm not going to give into that.  I'm not going to show it.  I appreciate what they're doing for me, I really do.  I just wish I could show them how much I appreciate it.  I mean I try.  I always pick up after myself, I always do anything they ask of me, though this yard work thing kinda pisses me off.

I guess, no matter how hard I try, I will forever be the ungrateful teenage piece of shit that they still see me as.