Q 7.1

So a five minute free write, that's all I have time for.  And yeah I quit, and then I failed and then I quit again.  But my life isn't about quitting anymore.  I needed to see that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, it's not greener on this side either.  It's all the same shade of dull gray waiting for me to give my own color to it.  What else is on my mind?  I don't know.  I'm going back to Albany today to see Z.  Last time I went, I failed on my adventure in quitting and I didn't see her because I was too ashamed.  Now she's moving and I'm going to be there to help.  I'm always going to be there to help.  She's been there through so much, I don't want her to be another Amy.  A friend lost because I was never satisfied with friendship.  More of the same shit, more of the same nothingness and everythingness that is my life.  I want so much.  I alternate between extreme fear that I'm dying, and the desire to slowly kill myself with food and cigarettes.  I just want to give up trying.  Today is not that day.  Today is the day that I go to town to see a friend and I don't end up hurting myself along the way.