Disillusioned.  Completely and utterly disillusioned.  The foundation of all that I held sacred has been shattered.  Okay so maybe not.  Same story I've written a hundred times here: I meet a girl, fall in love, she just wants to be friends, this time I did "just want to be friends" . . . I was happy with it.  She gave me something that I needed when I was going through a hard time in life.  Not sex or anything like it.  I'm pretty sure that I'm officially too fat to get laid, and even though I'm not really okay with it, it does take a lot of the pressure off.  She gave me a caring ear when I needed it the most.  She pretended to care when no one else would.  Or rather, I believed that she cared when I didn't trust anyone else.  Now I don't think she ever cared.  Or maybe I'm just being a selfish kid because my friend was dealing with her own issues and I wanted to whine about my own.  That's it.  I should delete what I just wrote, but I'm not going to.

I know I've been really selfish lately.  I'm so wrapped up in quitting.  All I want is someone that understands.  Someone to be proud of me for doing one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I should just be proud of myself and I should have been a better friend to her.  Wow, I'm such an inconsiderate asshole.  Of course, I did help her move, babysit for free and let her borrow money for gas.  Now I feel like she owes me.  I've lost so many friends because I thought they owed me.  Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe.  I just don't know.  I've never known.  Now seven days (or really a month with a weekend off) into quitting everything is coming back to the surface that was oppressed when I wasn't quitting. 

So in short, I'm scared, lonely, and mildly suicidal at the same time afraid that I'm going to die if I don't quit eating like I do.  As usual I'm a total mess that doesn't deserved to be loved. 

A fellow blogger recently spoke of the hole in us all that we struggle to fill.  They filled that hole with sex and relationships and I filled it with drugs.  There really is no difference.  What I filled that hole with filled it so completely that it was overflowing.  Now I can never have that again.  Nor would I want it.

One more note on this rambling post . . . I know a little boy who's had leukemia for a few months and he's been doing the chemo thing.  I haven't seen him for a couple for a couple of weeks and when I saw him today he looked Really skinny.  I'm not sure if he's doing okay, but if you read this, would you please send some prayers to whatever gods you pray to that he gets better?  That kid is so smart and I saw him not a year ago being the rowdiest one in the group, now he's always tired and he gets hurt easily.  So please, keep little Cameron in your thoughts.