Hey everyone,
The reason I haven't been posting is two-fold. One: I've been incredibly busy at work, the past two days (28th & 29th) I got to train on Polaroid DVD players TV's etc. It is so much fun, I'm having such a great time at work now. Taking only the appliance calls has gotten so monotonous. A setting up service, transfer to parts line, 3 to 5 business days om 3-5, om, 3-5 om, lol. So this training is going great. The other part of the two is: apparently somebody got suspended for being online, in non-work related sites. So I write at grave risk of house and home.

In other news: To all a Happy Hallows Eve. Unfortunately I work :( Not that I would have done anything anyways. Oh yeah, and more beautiful news, right as I was walking out my door, it started poring down rain, so I got to use my umbrella for the first time :) So life, while lonely is going okay. I saw Malcom in the Middle the other day and there was this guy that spent all his time at a park playing chess with people who didn't like him. He was content because he didn't know any better. I guess ignorance truly is bliss, and that's what I'm going to try to do. I am going to tell myself that life is good and everything is happy, so even if I don't believe it now, I may be able to pile enough Bull onto my emotions so that I can actually believe that I am happy to be alone. I did that in high school when I didn't have to, but now I'm doing it out of necessity.

But really, I'm not all that depressed right now. And I'm having some fun at work. So how's everybody else??

I'm trying to think about how to express my feeling without seeming like I'm wining. I feel the opposite of content. I feel tremulous, well maybe tremulous, but it's more perturbed than tremulous. Tremulous is more nervous for a reason, perturbed is more uneasy. That's how I really feel right now, uneasy.

My palms are sweaty, it could be the dreams I've been having the past couple of nights. I don't really remember last nights dream, though I know it involves the friends that I had during highschool. The night before I dreamt that I was in a pawn store, and I was picking out video games, and then I was picking out cigarettes. But then I left the store, I walked down the road which was a freeway in Eugene and I met with Shane, Opal, and another kid from Job Corps, I don't remember his name, he was Tony's bitch from what I remember. But I think it had to do with people coming in and out of each other's lives.

Then a dream after that, I'm scuba diving with I think Shane and Opal, and maybe my cousins. I don't remember exactly who, but it was people that I trusted completely. It's dark outside, and for some reason there's a ceiling above the water. The water is gray and stormy. There's a submarine involved in the dream, though I'm not sure where.

I think these dreams are telling me that I'm fearing the futility of it all. That no matter what we do or where we go, there is really no purpose. But also there is no substitution for true friends.

Honestly, I think God has given me all the chances at happiness that he's going to give me. I know this goes against my nominally agnostic principles, but in the perfect world God will give everybody chances to improve their lives, but only a certain number. So in my idealized vision of the super natural world, god has given me chances, and I have spit in his face. Now I live the rest of my life as a lowly cog in the corporate machine.

So I was just reminiscing about Job Corps. In the old cliche' it was the best of time and the worst of times. Right now I'm thinking about the best of times. Job Corps was the one time in my life when I had friends. I had a group, a clique, I was someone. I had purpose in life. Oh what I wouldn't give for friends again.
Alas, I've decided that I want to do something today. I have some extra money, and I don't really want to go home and drink, I do that with every day off. I also don't feel like going to g-ma's tomorrow, but I know I'll end up doing that. I'm sick of playing video games, and I'm sick of seeking distraction and satisfaction through meaningless activities. I want to do something seeing a movie maybe, but there's nothing out that I want to see, plus what fun is going to movies alone. Maybe I'll see if Christina and Desmond (my cousins and her bf) want to do something. The trouble is what. Drinking is running it's course and now it's old. I could go shopping for the sake of shopping, but there's nothing that I really want or need, maybe egg nog, but nah. So what will follow is a brain storm, unless I get interrupted by a call, which of course I was, right in the middle of the word interrupted. So here it goes.

Brian Storm:
Movies
Video Games
Drinking
Concert
Grandma's
Shopping
Bar (damn, I'm too young)
Rent a movie
Call Jenn
Bowling (alone?)
Pool (is there a pool hall in this town?)

So it is decided, I will do nothing. I will be nothing, and all of the sudden I have a craving for crab. Maybe I'll see if g-ma and g-pa want to go to dinner tonight, my treat of course. Hmm Chinese, I won't have to eat for a week. Or maybe I could just go to safeway and spend 10 dollars on a crab. I really want crab, hmmmm, crab.

So I just finished reading a book and I thought I'd give a little review.

The book was Dr. Death by some nameless mystery writer (do any of them have names.) It's about this psychologist who helps on a murder case. In the case a Jack Kavorkian parody is murdered and mutilated. They think it's the family of one of his "patients." And so the assumption goes for 300 pages or so, until they get a revelation from an FBI guy who tells them the murder fits a case he's been obsessing over for 10 years or so. Then the FBI guy isn't an FBI guy, but an excommunicated agent who was fired after he went crazy when his daughter died. Another part of the mystery is who actually killed the victim. The big secret: the person who actually killed Dr. death's victim who's family aledgedy murdered Dr. Death is a judge and neighbor of the victim because the female was having an affair with her teenage daughter. Okay, it's not even 7 am, I shouldn't even be awake for two hours. And my new name is: "not you."

Or so I'm called at least twice a day which is more than people say my real name. So from now on my name at work is: "not you"

So besides the inevitability of getting fired, they were 8 hours short on my goddam paycheck. I mean how dare they! I work hard for my money and all I have to show for it is $515 dollars? Lawyers make more than that an hour! Alas, I got another customer compliment today, so I hope my compliments cancel out my mistakes. Now I have 63 minutes to kill without a book. Things slow down here after 6, but we also go from 6 to 2 reps on haier, so I think I may get more calls. I have to go shopping today, but my uncle gave me wise advise. Never go shopping for food when you're hungry. Realistically, I have enough food, but I need milk and cookies. Hmmm milk and cookies sounds really good right now. But seriously, I need milk. I don't like going into safeway, too snooty, and no self checkout. Self checkout is the most amazing invention of the 21st century. Walmart has it, fred myers has it, safeway needs it. That's it, I'm going to safeway.com to tell them they need self check out.

I am going to get fired, it is inevitable. I am so afraid, I keep on making mistakes, when I shouldn't. These mistakes are piling up, and soon they will boil over and I will be without a job again. I am so afraid. I really need and want this job. I love this job and I'm so afraid to loose it. God help me, I'm near panic and I don't know what to do. It seems the harder I try, the more mistakes I make. I need to be perfect. I have to be perfect. Perfection is what I need right now. Somebody please help me. I am so afraid right now. I need to be perfect.

1. First name? Jason
2. Were you named after anyone? Jason from Friday the 13th
3. Do you wish on stars? not anymore, ah the innocence of childhood
4. When did you last cry? is there really a good answer to this question
5. Do you like your handwriting? yeah, because only I can read it
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? black forrest ham
7. What is your birth date? 8/19/85 same as Bill Clinton
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? La Miserables (high school choir practice)9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? sure
10. Do you have a journal? does a Blog count?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? only as a last r
12. What are your nicknames? Jay, j-j, dumbass (say my 13 y/o sis)
13. Would you bungee jump? sure, but base jumping would be more fun
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no
15. Do you think that you are strong? nah
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint without chocolate chips
18. Red or pink? crimson
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? just one?
20. Who do you miss most? my friend from Job Corps who's in iraq now treating our wounded
21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? nope, not gonna send this to anyone
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? black, all black
23. What are you listening to right now? The song from Kingdom Hearts that won't stop playing in my head
24. Last thing you ate? rodeo burger
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? forrest green, the green that everybody likes
26. What is the weather like right now? dark
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? some weird guy that called the wrong number at midnight
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their vocabulary
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep
30. Favorite drink? holiday pepsi and rum (yey, it's almost holiday pepsi time)
31. Favorite sport? pool, poker, bowling, golf
32. Hair color? brown almost black
33. Eye color? gray/blue
34. Contacts? I should get them
35. Favorite food? Izzy's pizza, I love their crust
36. Last movie watched? Patriot with Stephen Segal, not Mel Gibson
37. Favorite day of the year? winter solstice
38. Scary movies or Happy endings? sad endings
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Hugs or kisses? neither, because I can't I have both
41. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate marble cheesecake with raspberry sauce
42. Who is most likely to respond? I think I am the last person to get this email so everyone already has, No I am, so no one43. Who is least likely to respond? not sending to anyone
44. Living arrangements? alone
45. What books are you reading? Dr. Death and Blood Canticle
46. What's on your mouse pad? We're not good enough for mouse pads
47. What did you watch last night on TV? Leno
48. Favorite smells? rain, fresh cut grass, fresh cigarette smoke
49. Favorite sounds? *ding* Haier, ha ha ha
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles,
51. What's the farthest you've been from home? Maryland and Hawaii, Maryland felt further
52. Do you have a special talent? The amazing ability to explain auto search to a 90 y/o woman

To everybody and nobody, but mostly to myself:

I am so acutely depressed today. It's not something like: oh I hate my life I want to end it etc. It's more like: why am I here? Is there a reason I'm alone? Will I always be alone? I know there's a noble phrase for what I'm feeling. Divine obscurity.

There's a good phrase, somehow the word divine makes even the most bland of phrases seem Nobel. Divine nobility, there's a good phrase. Wouldn't that be the pope and his minions? Divine minions, that's not a good phrase, that would be like Holy Hellraisers (that's a pretty phrase)

So back to my original phrase: divine obscurity. Some days I wish I was messed up, because the mentally ill never feel this guilt or their mortality as hard as I do. Alas, mortality beckons.

To answer Gregg's questions: I did have some trouble in school up until 10th grade or so. I could never seem to turn in assignments on time, so my first two years of high school I had something like a 1.2 GPA. Then in 10th grade I found "herbal" remedies for depression, etc. I always thought that to be one of the great ironies of my life. That the further I got into herbs, the better my grades got.

To answer his other question: I have talked to various counselors etc. They never told me anything worth any value. Besides, real therapy is expensive. While I was at Job Corps, I was on Paxil, and that helped to a certain extent, I was more social, but no less socially inept. I just wasn't as afraid of making mistakes, and when I did it wasn't as big a deal. It was as if Paxil took away my obsessive way that I tend to worry about problems, and replaced it with gross indifference. That's why I gained 60 lbs. At Job Corps, it's all so clear now! Paxil was my savior and my destructor.

Alas, work beckons, so I must depart. Thanks Gregg for your interest.

Because I'm not witty enough, to start this post, I'm going to start with my favorite cliche':

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I've been selected for cross training, as far as I know, no pay raise

The Bad: It's Monday, what else is there to say

The Ugly: I made horrible disgusting mistakes on my calls on Saturday.

The Goal Today: No mistakes :) A perfect day!

There is a reason I don't talk to anybody. Because when I do talk, I invariably say something that I'll regret. It doesn't matter what I say or whom I say it to, I always say something that I regret. That is why I don't talk to anybody, that's why I keep my mouth shut. Not because I'm shy, not because I'm timid, but because I'm socially inept! I don't know what I can say in a given situation, and what I cannot! Is there no cure social ineptness?!?

The World is Possesed!!!

OMG! Why can't I get one normal call today? How about an in-warrenty parts call, or a happy service call, or even a little old lady confused about her TV. All day long, angry customers, possessed freezers. And my least favorite caller of all: Angry southern women.

God why can I net get one normal call?!?

So I digress, where would I be in life without a string of bad days?

Oh I feel so inadequate today. Just a string of bad calls makes me feel like I'm not able to do my Job. I feel like nothing, I feel lower than nothing. I feel that these people call for my help, and I'm unable to help them. I wish SCM service people had the same oath that doctors have, to help people to the best of their ability etc. etc. etc. Then I would be able to do my very best to help these csm's instead of following procedure.

I'm tired and lonely. Not exactly synonymous, but then seem to go together with me a lot. This day just keeps on dragging, and I've only been here three hours. It feels like I've been here for days. Every minute feel like an hour and an hour a day.

In other news, I saw the preview for the new Harry Potter movie. At the risk of sounding immature: OMG I can't wait to see it. I don't care what I work the day it comes out, or the next day I'm going to see it right after work. It's only another month, but I can't wait to see it. It looks so amazing. Besides, the goblet of fire was the best book, so it's logical to assume that it will be the best movie.

So as the day drags on and on and on and on into oblivion I'll write more.

So I took my bi-weekly color quiz (http://www.colorquiz.com) and it came up with an interesting little tid-bit on me that I think I should write about:

"The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities."

This made me realize that the reason I do a lot of things is because I fear that I won't be able to achieve what I really want.

It's the reason I:
Smoke
Drink
Watch TV
Play video games
Read
Watch Sports
Make small talk
Eat in excess
Talk to my family
Work
Shop
Hope
Contemplate nothingness
Take the color quiz
and
the
list
goes
on
....
...
..
.

This is the kind of epiphany that alters my view of myself and the world. Life in the pursuit of distraction. There is no long any such thing as happiness,

LIFE IS THE PURSUIT OF DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the point of life now? There is none! The futility of life is consuming my every breath, god give me meaning!

My quest for independence is now complete. I now have my mail box key, and now everything that I need is mine. Alas, I still have to work. The good news is: wrestling's on tonight. The first show that I really wanted to watch on cable, and now I get to watch it. So: my transition to Independence is now complete.

In other news: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz now I know my abc's next time won't you sing with me? You won't? Why not? You should sing with me. You really should, it's a lot of fun. It isn't? Yes it is! IT IS TOO! YES IT IS!!!

Ah boredom, isn't it fun. It's bottom of the barrel last of the first, best of the worst and worst of the best. The happiest of the sad and the saddest of the happy. Somewhere and everywhere in between here and there and this and that and first and last and back and forth.

Let's contemplate nothingness. This is what Shane told me to do to meditate. Nothingness is not blackness or grey, it's absolutely nothing, no existence, no consciousness, no awareness. Nothing, no hot or cold, but it's not warm either. It's not the word no and it's not the word nothingness because nothingness by nature cannot of a name or a nature. To perceive nothingness is to perceive god, but again nothingness is imperceptible (is that a word) like the anarchist part nothingness is truly an oxy-moron. Because to perceive nothingness makes it something. And something cannot be nothing.

Wow, I've been working on this since 1:40, now it's almost lunch time. I want chicken fries for lunch! Hmmm, chicken fries.

I was reading through my old blog and I found this poem that I wrote sometime during senior year of high school.

Cast me out, I just don't care.
I thought I was one of you, but not any more.
Don't know why I wanted it, it was way too nice for me.
I hate you, you should die.
It was you that made me cry!
F*** you and your friend.
until the bitter end.
I'll hate you 'till you die.
You have held me back.
You kept me off my track.
Now after weeks of mourning.
After releasing all my sadness.
All that's left is madness.
Now I'm left with me.
For all the world to see.
Look at me and judge.
But I won't forget my grudge.
Someday I'll watch you die.
I was you who made me cry.
I'll never forget,
I'll never forgive.
For you have left a scar.
You have left your mark.
I will never forget this.
Never, Never! NEVER!!!!!

So now that you've read the extent of my anger, or how bad it once was what do you think? I think it's good poetry, it conveys without reserve the anger and betrayal I felt. I don't think there is any real need to relive the why and how of that poem, that was a bad time in life. In fact I heard the name Melanie today and it brought back all those bad emotions in me. Aaah, I hate those feelings. Just wanted to share that you people.

So safeway it is tonight, pizza and zit creme is the shopping list. Ha ha ha!

So I'm thinking about shaving my mustache, I think it's time. It just doesn't look good anymore, ugh. I was looking at my face just now for the first time in weeks and I realize how disgusting I look with zits and pock marks etc. It's just plane gross! I mean eeww no wonder no body likes me, they can't stand to look at me! UGH!

Ahh it itches! I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's going on. But ever since I moved into my new apartment my entire body has been invaded with tiny like tiny tiny, like barely visible red bumps. I'm not sure if it's excima, dry skin or what. But I'm sure I don't want to spend $$$ on a doctor for something that's probably minor. Any thoughts anybody? Any cure all creams? I know benedryl cream and anti-itch cream might help, but it might make it worse, so if anybody has any thoughts, reply!

In other non-news: I'm tired, I'm really tired because I haven't had 2 minutes between calls all day long. Right now I'm on luck at 4:30 in the afternoon, just wanting to sleep but ugh I can't. I guess that's part of work, as soon as you feel comfortable in a job, you have a day like today. Today isn't that bad actually, it just feels so looooooooooooooooooong. Like 8 pm will never come.

And I'm not sure if I want to go to Target or safeway just for cream that may not work. I tried Lubriderm last night (the stuff that they give you at Job Corps for any dry skin) and it relieved it for a few minutes, but I think the only reason it did was for the cooling affect, that's why I'm thinking it might be a heat rash. AHH I need help, and I don't want to go to the doctor. And these bumps are everywhere from my forehead to my neck and chest and stomach and legs and others, even on my palms.

So basically everyone I need advice. Reply soon!!

So I'm too tired to move right now and I still have an hour and a half left in work. I'm not really hungry right now because I ate lunch for the first time in weeks. I really wanted to go home and drink my night away. But I have to go to the store tonight to buy grandma a birthday present, and get cash for the cable guy tomorrow. I don't feel like walking all the way to Fred Myers, but it seems they would be the best option, because I can get the cash there, and birthday present/card, and ranch dressing and pop. I may even have to get a shopping cart, lol. I'm almost excited if I wasn't so goddamned tired. I know sitting on your butt all day doesn't seem like a lot of work, but 9 1/2 hours is 9 1/2 hours whether you're loading bricks or answering phones. Oh yeah, the point I forgot, I actually started this post a half hour ago, and I keep on getting interrupted by pesky work. Lol, I'm still not sure if I want to go the store. I know I have to, and I know I'll have to force myself to go to the store, just because I don't like to be in public alone. Alas, maybe I'll make a bit of a night of it. I'll go the blockbuster, then I'll go to Fred Myers, or maybe I'll go see a movie in the middle of a Wednesday night. The trouble is I'm doing this alone, all alone. It's so easy to talk about what I'm going to do, when in reality, if I make it to Fred Myers at all, I'll probably just buy my ranch hit the ATM and go home. Maybe I'll do a lot of things, but probably I'll go home and drink one or two beers then go to bed. But I need to go to the ATM. I may be able to do it tomorrow, and I probably will, but I want to do something tonight. I kinda want pizza, or maybe fish sticks, or maybe just left over deli from safeway or Fred Myers. But what I will get is pop, ranch, cash, and a birthday present and maybe a card and a pizza. UGH! I am so mundane it's ridiculous. Thursday, Thursday I promise you something exciting, even if I have to make it up it will be exciting!

So not much to talk about emotionally. Emotionally I'm content today. So instead I'll talk about what I'm going to do today. Today I have to go shopping. Shopping on my own for the first time. I need cash, a birthday present for grandma, and ranch dressing, maybe something for dinner too, a newspaper maybe. By the way, I cooked for the first time in my new apartment this morning fried eggs and toast. How blissfully mundane.

The trouble with eating before work is that I'm hungry again before lunch, and I never eat lunch so there is a good 2-3 hours when I'm really hungry.

So a tentative shopping list:
$46.60 cash for cable
b-day present for grandma
ranch dressing
pizza, hmmm pizza
yeah I want pizza
pop, pop is good :)

Sorry for that rambling undirected post from earlier today. Now I'm less distracted, if less organized than before. So I'm sick of talking about loneliness. Loneliness is a waste of time, and as long as I'm around people, I can usually let myself pretend that they're talking to me. Alone at night in my apartment, my mind is free to wander to all those pessimistic thoughts that permeate at existence. I just feel so alone and the more I live the more I realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. It's true that I may be self centered, and it's also true that I sabotage all the happiness that I may have in life. I'm working on that slowly, but I'm sure happiness and the end to eternal loneliness will soon come.

No Quick Fixes

(except Paxil)

Why is there no quick fix to all my social problems? Actually, I think there is, I was on Paxil for the entire time I was at Job Corps, and I made all my best friends in life there. The point: Mind altering Rx drugs are the key to social conformity. In high school, I did everything I could to avoid conformity, as if it were a plague and it would do irreparable harm to me if I conformed. But it wouldn't. Now all I want is to conform into exactly what society wants of me. I want to be the good little man, go to work, go home, spend money, and rack up the all American debt. Well maybe not the debt part, but all the other stuff definitely.

The real trouble is that I'm fighting my own mortality, and I realize that all we do between birth and death is all distraction. I know I have friends that care about me, and I may be pushing them away. Alas, as of now my mind is distracted. I think I want to go shopping after work, maybe hit safeway for a pizza, and I also need ranch. Or I could have that chicken that g-ma got me last night.

Ha ha, blissful distractions. Spending money I don't really have etc. BTW giving cigarettes to a boss in need, is always a good carrier choice :)

Unrequited Love or The Story of My Life

So I did something incredibly stupid, and I'm sure it won't have any consequences, but it will bug me forever. I asked a coworker for the solution to my beer problem. Now I feel incredibly stupid and guilty. But I guess this will help me shed light on real problems.

Alas, I'll try not to stress on it too much. I just really, really hope that this doesn't affect me too bad.

Why is it that at age 20 I can vote, fight and die for my country, get married and enter into life long contracts, live on my own, smoke and gamble, and I can't buy my own beer! This is completely ludicrous. I'm living on my own in a town where I don't know anybody and all I want is a case of beer to keep me company!

So this is a desperate plea to any real american who is fed up with this law that says I can't fight and DIE for my country, but can't buy my own beer!

If anybody in or around Albany, Oregon wants to heed my call for americanism reply to this post before 2:30 PM today.

A call for beer!

A call for beer in the Albany Oregon area! I'm 20 and I have my own apartment, now I need beer! No friends in the area, and I need beer! So if you live in or around Albany Oregon and are interested in making profit for helping out a responsible adult work around an archaic law. Reply to this post before 2:30 PM Pacific Standard Time!

Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands if I can post four times a day, and I must be really naive to think that people actually care. But the point right now: Is there fate or destiny or even serendipity? That is my question right now, that's all I have to ask that's all I have to say. I'm bored to death right now, and with boredom usually comes depression, but I'm trying to snap out of that.

So the original reason I wanted to post today: I had a dream last night, and it was all about lost loves. It was about loves that should have been but weren't. And I realized that life, or god or destiny has thrown at me, so many opportunities for love and happiness and I've always ignored them or ran from them. The specific person last night was Jennifer Bauer, my first and most important crush of my life. And this pains me to remember, but one day during 7th grand, I got a note from her best friend saying that Jennifer liked me, etc. But I threw it away because I "knew" it was a fake, or somebody was trying to be mean to me. I knew it with all that I was that it was fake, but I still regret it today that I never found out for sure. But isn't that what life is all about: regret and missed opportunities.

Thank you oh guru of psychology, whoever you are. You very well might be Shane (best friends from Job Corps), but I think he's in Iraq at this point. As for Jenn (best online friend ever), it's very possible. Sue (cousin) maybe, but she wouldn't care, also she's not so obsessed over ruling the world, also she wouldn't give me that smart comment. Though it might be sue, we do acknowledge each other's intelligence. But it again it won't be her because if she started a blog she would actually write in it.

So my new theory: it's shane, it has to be, he's blunt and smart, and may comment on this even from Iraq.

But the point of this post: I've acknowledged that I'm self centered and I push people away to avoid pain. I'm sick of that because the pain of loneliness is now far, far worse than any pain that people might cause me. Now I'm still alone and in pain. I've known that I need deep psychological help for a long time. But oh anonymous helper, is there a quick fix for all these social problems that I'm facing? Is there a way to cut myself loose from all these chains that have bonded me to isolation for so long. I realize that it's not going to be easy, nothing good in life is easy. (or so they say) Oh anonymous helper, what can I do aside from years of therapy?

So maybe I am a little self centered. If that was my biggest flaw, I would be happy. But as we all know happiness is not an emotion I have in abundance.

But now that I think about it, if I wasn't so self centered, I might have more friends. Alas, who cares anymore.

For what it's worth, I spent my first night in my new apartment last night. It was okay, but I thought people would care, but they really don't. But going back to that self centered comment, maybe if I cared about other people, they would care about me. BTW, is the person that replies to my posts, Opal? I thought so. Though I've never known Opal to be so blunt.

Now that I've realized that I'm self centered, how can I change it? How can I talk to people now, and give them a new impression of me? How can I break the ice all over again?

Why am I so depressed today? I just can't snap out of it. I feel despair flowing through me, I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I know nobody reads this, and I really do care. This is like writing an e-mail to nobody. It's so depressing. What's even more depressing is that when people actually talk to me, I clam up with fear. God help me, please, I'm so sick of being alone!

I'm depressed and I want to go home, I'm alone and it will never change. Forever and a day I'll pursue the quest for the end of eternal loneliness. I don't even care any more, that nobody knows I'm alive, I want to close my eyes and cry forever. Ugh, I know I'm depressing and trying to be poetic. But if somebody actually read this they would just laugh at me. Everyone thinks they're alone, but they're not really alone. I'm just sick of sitting here, staring at a computer "helping" people. There is no help for the world, it is an endless series of disappointments right up until that final disappointment.

Ha, I was told that I have professionalism today. What will that get me socially? So what if I actually feel for these people still. Who cares that I actually want to help these people. I do it for such a selfish reason, I do it for money. But money won't buy happiness, I've realized that. Money will make me fat and unattractive.

Alas, there is happiness for the empathetically and lonely.

Why is it that I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely?

Why is this such a familiar feeling for me. It seems that no matter where I go or who I'm with I'm still the one alone. I try convince myself that I like it this way. That I don't like anybody and I don't want anybody to like me.

That attitude got me through high school, with spectacular failure.

High School

High school was all about emotion, the humiliation and rejection, the transcendent happiness. I used to long for someone, anyone. I had a phrase that I used to use: someone with whom all time seems to stop, with whom now and then, before and after doesn't exist. Where mindless lust consumed all in the blind pursuit of mystic happiness.

So it doesn't look like anybody's reading my blog yet :( That's okay, I created this to have a sane alternative to talking to myself. Don't you hate it when you get an itch that you just can't scratch, because you don't know quite where it's coming from? That's what life is doing to me now. Now that I have everything set up, I have no goals.

I HAVE NO GOALS!

There is no more direction in my life other than gaining more material stuff. There is no more big adventures for me left in life.

I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. Of course there is that occasional flare of hope, though I haven't even had that in a while. I find myself lowering my standards in a woman lower and lower, and soon I'll take any woman that shows even the smallest bit of interest in me.

I know this statement reeks of desperation, and maybe I am, but I could always distract myself from those problems with other problems . . . . Alas now I can wallow in self pity while worshiping the god of alcohol. I just hope I can balance alcoholism with work. I hope I can afford it.

Isn't it incredibly sad that my current goal is to become a closet alcoholic?

Is there any more fun left in life?

It's so bitterly funny how some things work out. Just days before I move into my own apt. To be on my lonely own for the first time ever, I forget my key to get into my work, so now I have to depend on my g-parents to bring me my key. To put this on record, I swear to myself forever that I will never, ever forget my key again.

The transformation from urban hell to rural bliss. . . .

In that year, I have gone from coastal town isolation to urban anonymity, to rural bliss. But it was not to be. High school was a tremulous time for me. And one day I may write a long detailed rambling monologue about high school. For now, just the main points.

• 1999-I entered high school still trying to cope with earlier epiphanies
• 1999-2001 Spent two years playing the looser with no friends
• 2002 Found herbal support system, oddly enough, my grades went up
• 2002 Discovered a passion for journalism
• 4/2003 Herbal support system/journalism collided, support system won
• Graduated high school, the same looser that came in, marginally more educated

So there's high school. Such a seemingly complex time in life. Why do we all long for those times again?

For six months after high school, I wandered my mind in search of something good. There was nothing. There's still nothing for what it matters.

Eventually, I found Job Corps. The refuge for high school drop outs, and the looser elite. 14 months in relegated hell, learning how to cook for the ungrateful. Steadily gaining weight, so that after 4 months, I was up 60 lbs.

For six months after job corps I once again searched my mind for something good. Meanwhile, I take two different jobs. The first one on a cruise ship as an asset. Cook, that lasted a week before the head chef successfully killed my will to cook. Even after that disaster, I managed to get another cooking job paying six cents an hour more, working at an alzheimers care facility. That lasted a month, before I realized that I didn't want to cook. Actually I got fired, and then I decided I didn't want to cook.

So I was unemployed for a month, cursing myself everyday for loosing a "good" job. Now I'm here . . . . Working for a customer service center making good money for sitting down all day. I was just approved for an apartment about a half mile away, and now that I finally have money figured out . . . . . I feel empty.

Funny how much more sane a blog seems, than an "open diary". Alas, it's time to move on with my life.

But first a little bio, for anybody who cares:

I was born on the Oregon coast in the middle of that gluttonous decade, the 80's. The first 10 years of my life I lived submerged in the naivete of childhood. I knew I was the fat boy that got picked on, but childhood angst is so blissfully mild.

When I was 13 I was yanked out of my tiny coastal town, where my roots were so delicately taking hold, and thrown into the middle of a hot dry, yet fertile urban valley. Cast into a school system where I was barely a number, just another face, and I couldn't quite bare it.

It was during my 13th year that I came to an epiphany that would be the basis of my existence for the next 6 years: I would rather be hated than ignored.

That year was also the year I discovery the power of words. It fascinated me, that a nobody like myself, completely ignored for most of my life could get so much attention just by saying the right (or wrong) words. Come to think of it, my 13th year was a pivotal year in the development of who I am. It was that year that I became a person, rather than a child.

And the two events of my 13th year that made me who I am. First: the father whom I had never met, died at age 38, of a weak liver and heart, the guy died a fat alcoholic. Like I said I had never met the guy, but my fantasy of leaving my life behind, of having a father who cared about me etc. died with him. Second: I got expelled from school for speaking my mind on a subject that wasn't exactly popular. Fine so I made a threat at school that people took seriously. Ironically enough, that little incident thought me to play devils advocate, and people will listen.

So enough about the fabled 13th year. The end consequence of both incidents: I moved 30 miles away from that urban hell, and into rural bliss. Or so it should have been.

It is here that I must pause my narrative. But I assure you, it will continue.