It was all in my head. The reign of terror, the reason I moved out. They had no idea what was going on in my head, and I didn't know the didn't know. Wow.

I should have called more often and now it's too late. I don't know why but I can't give up that guilt. I'm so sorry. For more than I can say. I'm so sorry.

I woke up to ego death and paranoid delusions. I'd rather not have woken up at all. I'm going back to bed to see if the world will seem better on more sleep.

Friendship is knowing the buttons but not pushing them. Being there without trying to make things all better.

Why do I try so hard to forget and then feel guilty when I do?

If life is so infinatly finite then sleep is the ultimate waste. Of course in an infinatly finite life, then it's all a waste.

And what I feel is guilt for feeling crying-sad over a 2nd cousin when my friends just lost a son and my 3rd cousins lost a mom.

Every person that dies is just a little bit closer to me until all that will be left is me. RIP Denise I love you.

I should . . .

Good point, if I expect the worst in people, then they can't let me down. Though this does make inappropriatly over gracious when they're not at their worst.

Why do I always expect the worst in people?

Test

Today's objective: Take everything at face value, no matter what.

And now I'm just boooooored! I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really booooored.

It's like something broke in me socially and I can't figure out how to fix it.

I am but a ride to any and all. The fact that my delusions have been shattered like a kid finding out there's no Sanata Clause, well that's my problem.

Test

Wow that got really bad, and now like always, I'm left feeling like a bit of an ass, but one step closer to the truth.

The world needs to leave me alone. Don't confront me, I'm sick of lying. I've found something/someone new. It's my new obsession. There's truth in what I've found. There's the answer in there somewhere, when I find it, I'll come out. For now, leave me alone. Please, just leave me alone and leave me to me. Whatever I am.

Maintain the body to enjoy the fun

My God, somebody please validate my existence and tell me it's gonna be okay . . . please.

What is something you always want more of but can never have enough of?

Day 2, 3 maybe. Life is good. It doesn't seem like it will ever not be. It does seem like it might not have always been.

So I've spent the majority of the day asking myself this question: Would I rather have drugs without friends or friends without drugs. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather have drugs without friends. At the moment I have neither. But drugs would make my current situation better and friends wouldn't necessarily.

I'm boooored. I'm lonely. I want weed. I want my identity back. I miss my friends. I'm gonna go crazy and it's sad how quickly all my friends abandon me. I try to throw myself into work, but it isn't working. I work 6 days a week for money, but what's the point of money if there's nothing to do with it? And the worst part about all of this is that I brought it all on myself. It's nobody's problem except my own. I would rather be used than rejected.

So I'm 3 or 4 days without weed at the moment. Pretty much longer than I've gone in more than three years and it sucks! I don't want a bowl but I state of semi-haze that I've lived in. I miss my friends. I feel like I've reverted to God know what. I don't know, but it sucks so bad. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because I'm so lonely. When I wake up I have a hard time deciding what I dreamt and what actually happened. I don't know what I want, but I don't want to be here!

Sometimes depression sucks but I'll be better in a few days.

So I'm lonely. What else is new? Thought I'd let you know.

Ugh I'm feeling way too guilty to enjoy this!

Doing something that I've always found morally objectionable is . . . exciting.

I've been having psychic flashes all day. I guessed a csm's middle initial on a call, and I perceived a place before I went there. Too much to be coincidence.

I always thought I was seeking approval, but what I'm really seeking is love.

Is seems dangerous to put God above country. What do you think?

Textsfromlastnight.com is incredibly entertainiing and it's updated constantly. Oh and Boise State might loose tonight, GO FRESNO!!!!!

I compared Jesus to Charles Manson while talking to my counseler. She's Christian and I told her that I feel the path to God is definatly not through Jesus.

And yet sometimes weed Does make things better.

So does weed make everything better? Right now it's debatable but it usually does. I'm just feeling sd but not quite lonely yet. Is that better than lonely?

So I'm bored and really lonely. I realized kinda too late that I don't have any friends left. Let's see if weed will make it any better. I hope so.

I have not made or received a call or text in over 48 hours. God I'm lonely.

Why are the republicans fighting Obama's back to school speach? I mean, c'mon, HE'S TRYING TO KEEP KIDS FROM DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL! Give him a break.

I feel so lonely that I just want to be alone. Weird.

For what its worth, my random Austrailian reader, you've been helping a lot. Good luck w/ economics.

Its fuuny though, I'm being used for money and I use others for emotional support until they just don't care anymore. Which is worse?

The friends that still talk to me are trying to use me to the last drop, the ones that don't are the ones I've already done that to.

The dream was about my worst fears over confronting my past are completely unfounded.

I worry way too much to enjoy life. I say life is too short, then why am I wasting so much of it worrying about how short and unfair iti is?

Not much of a distinction, but I like to think that my motives have always been pure even if noone else believes me. Thank you for reading though, really.

What's sad is that even at 8 the person I hated most was me. And most of the time I don't hate myself, I just have less respect for me than anybody else.

What's sad is that even at 8 the person I hated most was me. And most of the time I don't hate myself, I just have less respect for me than anybody else.

So yeah I failed already. Did anyone really expect anything different? That was a good point, what if weed is bad? Its something interesting to think about.

Actually that comment did help. So bring on the depression and despair, the loneliness and longing. I'll give it two weeks. Will it be worth it? I hope so.

I had a dream last night that made me ask myself a question. Had M been better looking, would she have seemed so crazy? Sadly, no.

Rejection, dejection, 'tis all the same anymore. It's all I feel, all I am. The worst part I know it's real and I can't or won't do anything about it.

Another failed date. Just another reminder of what I'm missing; of how far I've come and how far there's left to go.

Another year older. Another year closer to death. No closer to finding Happily Ever After. What can I say? I'm depressed. I'm close to the revelation that I have to have before I can find it. What I have to believe in the core of my being is that I don't need/want a relationship. I'm now at the point where I can see how and what one doesn't need or want a relationship, and there are moments when I can feel it, just not today and not tomorrow and not for the next few days at least. I always get lonely and depressed right around my birthday and new years. It's just another reminder of my mortality and that loneliness that I do a fairly decent job of covering up most of the time.

To the Hulberts, may they rest in peace. An adventure to the graveyard and a drink to the randomly departed.

Hi world! Lifes kinda good at the moment, just time for a quick hi or high lol

Why do the f*cking Mexicans make That much more than the people who don't speak their goddamed language? Ugh I hate fucking Mexicans!

A four minute free write. I don't know if this will be published or what I'm going to say I'm just going to start writing and see what comes out. Of course when I start this, this isn't always effective, but lets see what happens. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment, I feel like I'm at the edge of contentment. I had fun tonight. It wasn't too exciting, but I felt comfortable and wanted. It wasn't a big thing, but I didn't think that people were trying to shove me out the door, nor did I feel the need to be there. Instead, it was simply a place to be and do things. I had other things I could have done, but I don't regret not doing them. I have other people I could have hung out with and maybe my night would have been considerably different, but what I did was good. I made some good karma, but of course if karma were real then when do I reap what I sow? I don't even know if I'm good or bad. I don't. I don't know if my motives are true or what they really are. I want to believe I'm a good person, but there's always a part of me that wonders if the reason I'm a good person is because I want something in exchange. But I get something in exchange. I give a ride, someone to talk to, someone to match with, somebody to play video games with or watch a movie, and in exchange I get to hang out with someone and avoid my crushing loneliness that's always waiting to barge in on me. Since I've discovered friendship, the crushing loneliness is often forgotten. When I say crushing loneliness, I mean the intense need for a relationship. It's still there. I still want a relationship, it just doesn't seem quite so unfair that I don't have one. The thought of dying alone is a scary one, I look into the future 30 years and I see most of my family dead. My mom dead, my grandparents long in the grave, my uncle may not see the next 15 years. My cousins will all have their own lives with their own families and my mom won't continue the Christmas traditions, no one will. This will all end so soon. (there's 9 minutes)

I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now, love, fear, gratitude, but not despair anymore. Maybe I'm more afraid of my family dying than of me dying. Because at the point that I will die, my family will precede me and that will make accepting it easier. Oh my god, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with fear. I don't wanna die, but the fear subsides. I'm left here, alone for the moment.

So it's been a while since I've made a real post and I don't have much time to write so I'll try to get this all out quickly. Recently I've been learning the value of friendship. Friendship. That's the theme today. It turns out I am a really good friend to the friends that I have and that's rarer than I thought. But what if I'm not such a good friend? It's all tit for tat and quid pro quo to use the sexual harassment terms that seem to be so appropriate. You do anything to help me in any situation and I'll do the same for you. As far as affection . . . affection is like sex without the sex. It doesn't seem that important and it all leads to disappointment in the end. There's a lot more to be said on the subject. Anyways, tomorrow night I'm taking a spiritual journey to who knows where. It starts with a tea and ends with enlightenment. Wish me luck my faithful readers, I may never be the same again.

I'm just not mature enough to handle this

I feel sad because AE likes richard and I can't accept that we'll never be more than friends. I actually feel like crying, there must be something wrong w/ me.

I don't like secrets. Why can't everybody know everything about everyone else and trust that no matter what the secret there's no such thing as bad intentions?

God grant me the courage to face my fears in order to save my friendship.

Honestly? Drunkenly, AE should've been happily ever after. Dana ditched me, somehow hugs that will never be more than hugs will never be enough. Good night.

Its simple really, I love MT intelectual level & AE on an intelectual level and an extreme physical level and somehow happily ever is all three combined?

Drunk as a skunk . . . Why is AE the closest to happily ever that I'll ever get? omg she's so amazing on every level. Why isn't she my happily ever after?

My conviction wavers. Do I trust the motives of others when I can't trust my own?

I need to smoke mooooore to make it all better, it all makes sense now

I can't tell if I'm blaming my problems on the drugs or the drugs on my problems.

Oh my god I am sooooooooo bored

Good news, I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm scared to death of those I live with, but at least I'm still alive. And I survived rejection with little damage.

So it turns out I wasn't depressed, I was lonely. And now that I've realized it I'm depressed all over again. So I guess that wasn't much of a revelation.

Lol I missed weed :->

Oh that, I got back from my friend's house and I just felt like a piece of shit because I let my problems out when I didn't mean to. I just want to be normal.

Test

If it goes there, and at this rate it might, please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I try to fix it but I can't. Counseling didn't work. I can't blame it on the drugs. I guess I'm just broken.

Why postpone the inevitable if you can never postpone it long enough? The answer: if life is infinately valuable, then every moment of life is just as valuable.

Humanity alone on can perseive the true beauty of it all. Look at what man has accomplished by conquering our animal urges in persuit of raw knowlege.

I have seen the universal truth and have come to a somewhat mundane conclusion: the universe is unfair. I feel that I have been rejected by god.

Other people wouldn't have given up they would have accepted their fate and embraced it. Instead I curl up in my room and cry.

Oh my God, what's wrong with me? I'm sick of trying to figure it out.

Kelly Clarkson has a number one song? Where has popular music gone since I last checked 6 years ago?

". . . the soul is innocent and immortal it should never die . . ."

--Alan Ginsberg

So I was sad and listening to country music. I just want to say that it's a very bad idea. Now I'm crying again and I have to go to work in a few minutes.

I miss my friends. Doing stuff alone is fun, but I'd rather do nothing with friends than adveture alone. And I'd really do nothing with friends than alone.

I was asked today: so you guys gonna go out? Of course not! I'm sick of asking. Here's to being perpetually single :(

The purge begins. Ten days with no chemicals except for caffine and nicotine. It's gonna be hell. The depression is gonna be unprecidented. Will I survive?

I just had a thought. When people get hurt on shows like the Deadliest Catch, it's mother nature fighting back. I say go mother nature.

The worst feeling in the world, well not the worst feeling but a scary feeling none the less: having money but nothing to do with it. Yay I have money to play with but I'm still sitting here bored as Hell wanting someone to hang out with. I'd rather be broke with something to do than to have extra money with nothing to do. There's nothing that I really want, nothing that I need, I got an overly expensive hair cut and it looks good but who cares. Something needs to snap me out of this shit.

What's the point of having a cell phone if I still can't find anybody to hang out with? Seriously what's wrong with me. I'm such a fuck up.

So I've been away for a few days. Grandpa's okay after his 2nd knee surgery and I've stayed with grandma until tonight since he's finally home from the hospital. I don't know why but I've been so goddamned discontent lately and I can't seem to shake it. I don't think I'm that stressed by anything. Work, family, etc. In fact I'm kinda unlonely at the moment. Most of the time I don't want anybody around and all I want to do is hide in my room at wait for tomorrow so I can wake up, go to work, then hide in my room and wait for another tomorrow. I don't know what's wrong or what I need I just know I'm in a sad/mad/irritable/desperate mood lately and I can't shake it. Make I'll make my self go to church this Sunday. That's where the self improvement started so maybe I can find it there again.

The other weird thing is that I find myself crying at every little thing these days. Of course not in front of people but when I'm alone it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. Which by the way I never understood that phrase. What is all you can do? But I digressed. I just want to feel better. And I know this is kinda personal especially because mysterious not-so-strangers read my blog but in the midst of all this angst and depressed I find myself hyper-sexual. Of course it's unfulfilled hyper-sexuality but it's a weird symptom. Any ideas my faithful readers?

A quick Mother's Day thought. I'm not sure if this is true, but this is exactly how I feel right now:

This is from PostSecret. My initial reaction was, no wonder my mom hates me so. It must have been hard for her to loose her little baby when I grew up. Then I realized my mom never wanted love from me, I was always a nuisance and no matter what I did I was never good enough. She was never proud of anything I did, and never encouraged me to do anything to make her proud. From the day I was born I was an embarrassment to her. I was never the popular one in school and she hated me for that. I was never good at sports and I don't think she cared, but growing up I always hoped that if somehow I was transformed into a sports star she might be proud of me.

Or the real situation after having 5 years away from her to distill my resentment: I reminded her of her lost love and she could never love me because every time she looked at me she was reminded of the man who could never love her. Or maybe she was just a looser stoner who had no time for her kids. I'm sure it's not that bad, but those are my secret resentments. I guess not so secret any more.

Happy Mother's Day.

Yeah I didn't think I had a secret admirer, no big deal. I guess I missed the point I was trying to make yesterday about how there's potential Happily Ever After everywhere. I see it everywhere, but the affect of that is I get my hopes up and then I get rejected again and again. So seeing Happily Ever After everywhere is actually living in a constant state of rejection.

You say I'm always there for a friend, of course I am. I'm constantly seeking approval. Doing stuff for people and being there in crisis is an easy fix for that. See I'm selfish for being there for people all the time because I'm just fulfilling my own emotional needs. And when I actually need a friend there are very few who are there for me in real life. Of course, it's not like I ever seek the other end of the friendship. It almost all circumstances I'd rather go hide for a while until my emotions are in check enough to function and then if anybody's interested I'll lie and say it's no big deal. It's just easier that way instead of hoping someone will care about my problems and being disappointed. And then if they do, I'd rather not spill all my problems to anyone because nobody cares. But I understand why nobody cares and I feel no resentment for them.

Or at least I can distill all my emotions into a little vial of suppression and hide it behind the routine of daily life.

So I'm curious my Anonymous commentators. Does that last comment left mean that I have a secret admirer reading my blog? Probably not, but there is this girl that stares me right in the face all day . . . alas, like always, I grasp at straws.

Today I sat down to type an entry about how God has abandoned me right after he shows me his light and then I read that last comment and somehow it made me feel a little better. Or at least a little less bitter.

Still, I grasp at straws. Every girl (and for whatever reason I still cannot say woman when talking about potential relationships) that looks at me twice or smiles at me or spends few minutes talking to me is my potential happily ever after. You're right, maybe I'll spend so much time looking for it that I won't see it when it slaps me in the face.

Still I get nowhere and I'm left alone.

I'm sorry.

I don't have anything to say today that I didn't have to say yesterday. It was just really sad this weekend to sit in my room all weekend praying to God that somebody would want to hang out with me. Then I realize, that aside from the roommates who're really good friends despite it all, I only have one friend in this town. I'm crippled with shyness whenever I try to meet new people and I'll never find happily ever after. I give up. I really do need to accept that fact that nobody likes me and there are good reasons for it. So maybe for the sake of all I should just hibernate in my room until 2012 when it will all end. Of course I'll come out to work and to wander the internet in search of amusement, but I give up. I'm not going to try anymore. If it it's God's plan for me to find Happily Ever After then let him throw it in my face so I can't say no. If not. I'll just document my decent to madness one keystroke at a time.

A blank page. Who cares. I'm a failure. I know it. The same old pattern. Tomorrow I'll be up. Tonight I dwell in divine obscurity.

So it turns out I had nothing to worry about. Me and A are forever nevermore. All well. It's funny how I got my hopes up again. Here I was thinking that maybe something like Love did exist and maybe I messed it up the first time and now I'd have a second chance. I guess I was wrong, no big deal. Maybe it's just because I'm tired or maybe because I'm broke or who knows, but I've been hating life again recently. Not hating life like I used to and I thank God for that, but I've been sad and I don't know why. Usually that calls for a trip to nowhere in search of myself, but I can't do that until I have money again. And it's nobody's fault except for my own that I'm so broke. Ugh, this is a rambling entry again. I'm so sorry that I can't be a better writer for everyone. That's what I feel right now, I feel sorry. Like I've done something wrong and I can't make it better again. Maybe I'm just sorry to myself (not for myself) that I've spent all my money a week before payday and I have nothing to show for it. I'm sorry that I'm gaining weight again. I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time. I'm sorry that I have such great friends and I can't always return the friendship. I'm sorry that I'm such a good friend and it's never returned. I'm sorry that I still haven't found my happily ever after even though I've lost weight, found God and I swear I'm going to quit smoking right now. It's still not good enough. I'm still alone. I know that I need to go out and meet people and act normal instead of the nervous ball of awkward that I normally am. I know I need to be myself and now that I've discovered myself, I realize that even being myself isn't good enough for happily ever after. And I know happily ever after won't fix everything, but it definitely can't hurt. Ugh, same mindless, different day I guess. Who knows, maybe something really will change someday.

A again? So yeah it was a year ago, but I still remember the pain. I know it wasn't rational, it was my psyche dealing with issues a lot bigger than a girlfriend breaking up with me. There are issues there that for whatever reason are fixing themselves, but something had to break and I had to feel the pain in order not to fear it. I still never want to feel the pain of rejection again but a year later I can almost say it was better to have loved and lost. Now I might have a chance to get it back and I should ask myself do I want it? People say she's weird and unattractive and I can see that, but not as weird as some. Actually mostly it's Mh, I finally get over that minor rejection and find friendship with her to be satisfying. I think we both fulfill a need in each other, mh and I. She needs someone to vent to about life, like anybody does and I fill that need. It's nothing too complicated. And she's smart. She helps me realize that not everybody is retarded and shows me life away from my sometimes-abnormal thought processes. Still there's always been something that keeps us from being close friends. The reason I follow that tangent is that it's weird that she talks down about A so much. If she has a secret crush on me then get out with it and I get to choose between them because I scraped the bottom of the barrel long enough and found a few that aren't repulsive. Given the choice, I want somebody good looking! I know it sounds shallow, but I want a girl that I'm undeniably physically attracted to. I really want a skinnier girl. Why do I never seek those that I'm physically attracted to? Of course I can't find anybody and I really don't care. Life is slowly getting better now one thing at a time and I'm happy with it. I'm just scared that A is going to hurt me again and I'm afraid to feel those feelings again because they all lead to an irrational but intense jealousy. I don't even know what I want from a relationship anymore. I know it's not going to fix everything and really it seems like it will make things complicated. And all the build up to sex and it turned out to be fancy masturbation. It feels better but not any different. And it turns out not to be that big of a deal. My point is, sex is not a big incentive for me to find a relationship. I think what I wanted before was the feeling of complete acceptance and unconditional love. But that doesn't exist and I realize I'm trying fix a very old wound that a relationship cannot fix. Whoever it is will just leave me in the end anyway. I still fear that there's going to be something about me that will push her away. I know how to be myself now, I know who it is and I know how to maintain it. It's about taking care of myself. It's funny that I didn't take care of myself because I was lonely and I was lonely because I didn't take care of myself. So I just invented a new word and I'm going to try to work it into the lexicon of annoying phrases. "Thankiny" as a replacement for "thank you''. So I'm tired and this isn't getting published in it's current form anyway. Thankiny for listening everyone.

I just had a thought and I don't want to loose it. God gives me the approval that I seek but never obtain from my family.

Just a quick response to the most recent commenter. First of all thank you for reading my blog, I'm glad somebody finds my life interesting. I'll respond more thoroughly later, but I just wanted to update on the M thing. After a night of drunken confessions and a week of "why is a kiss ever just a kiss" I finally see M in the light of friendship. I'm no longer pursuing it because I no longer want it. I was never attracted to her physically but I have a habit of never looking at people in the face when I talk to them so I never really realized it until after the fever (of infatuation) broke. And as far as the deep intellectual connection, I realize it was all just me being completely agreeable like I am with everybody that I like. I still like her as a friend of course, but she's fallen from the pedestal and once fallen can never be restored. Of course that's not the case with A. Somehow after a year I still get butterflies when she says "hi". Butterflies that I haven't felt since her. I can't believe that I've held on to feelings for her for so long. Anyways, I've ranted long enough.

I woke up today, not in a panic as I usually do, but in no mood at all. I didn't even want to sleep more, though 45 minutes after waking I want to go back to bed and hide from everyone. I don't know how I can wake up in the best mood that I have in weeks to now I'm just sad. For no good reason, I'll soon be out of money but payday is close and then I'll even have some surplus. I don't know, my friends and I were talking about relationships yesterday and maybe that got me depressed. I've tried not to actively pursue a relationship recently and it's gotten me exactly where pursuing a relationship did: nowhere. I dunno, I'm not really emotional today just kinda sad and tired. I guess that's better than normal.

Blah, not blah but an expulsion of emotion. Just the release of all tension through my fingers to the computer. It's not something that I want to talk about, I just want to not feel this anymore. It's numb at the moment, but it's there and it needs to go away. Just all that damned insecurity. It's always there, it sucks. I know I look better now than I've looked pretty much ever and it's not enough. I suddenly realize that I look normal enough to get all the normal girls instead of dredging the bottom. I really just need to get over rejection. I knew it was coming and it still hurts the same every time. Of course, I probably set myself up for rejection, but that's beside the point. I'm not really trying to find anything, but it's hard not to when I know I look this good. I guess that's the irrational response to the deeper realization that the reason I don't have anybody has nothing to do with what I look like and everything to do with who I am and my failures in life. What am I supposed to do with the revelation that I constantly seek approval? Of course I know it's been an issue for a while, but to hear somebody else say it really brings it to the front of my mind. Obviously I had a bad childhood and reacted badly to it so I'm still constantly seeking approval from others. That's why I can never do anything for myself, it's always to please someone else. How do I fix it without feeling like a failure for having these weaknesses? Of course if the worst that can happen if I fix these approval issues is that I realize I have them then what's stopping me from fixing them? The answer is simple, I don't know how. I don't know how to fix these issues except to find someway to fill the void.

Why is a kiss ever just a kiss? I don't know what it should be, but it should never be just a kiss. There shouldn't be such thing as "just a kiss." Why can a drunken kiss prove to one that "we're just friends" and prove to the other that we should be so much more? And in the interest of keeping the friendship I get to smile and take rejection like it doesn't affect me at all, all the while feeling the sweet sting every time I see her. Alas, the tragedy of my life.

So I'm down 20 lbs since October, I've found God, and I'm three days into Chantix to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't know how all this happened, just a series of weird events that led to self improvement. It certainly wasn't my choice. I would have never chosen to make the things better that I can. It's too simple and not dramatic enough for me. I want some grandiose gesture some sudden spark of realization that will make everything better and find my Happily Ever After. But I don't think one thing will make everything better and Happily Ever After, Love at First Site don't exist.

Somehow I ended up doing all this positive stuff. I end up loosing weight because I'm stressed and broke and simply do not have the money for all the food that I used to eat. Instead I get one meal a day from the money I put into the household food fund, add that to all the stress that I've gone through and suddenly I'm down 20 lbs in six months.

As far as finding God, randomly some stranger who's read my blog for years recommends church and because I had nothing better to do a Sunday morning and once again woke up at the edge of tears, I go. I don't like it the first time, but again I found myself with nothing better to do on a Sunday morning and I go again. And suddenly I realize that I've been looking for somebody to give a damn about me and my problems and, because I can't find it in humanity, I'll indulge a little faith and let myself believe that something out there loves me and cares. It's just filling a whole ripped open unintentionally by my poor stoner parents, but at least the hole is filled.

And finally Chantix. That medical drug that will make everything better. The end of vices in a pill. It's free. It's as simple as that. What can it possibly hurt to take a free pill that didn't cost anything including the doctor's visit? And because it's free is enough reason to take anything,(see Whipits, Coke, my first Perk), why not use that destructive drive for something good.

So I didn't set out to loose 20 lbs, quit smoking and find God, but here I am and I'm still feeling empty. See, no matter how much I improve myself, I'm still lonely. And I know that I need to accept the fact that I'm single and just not feel the loneliness, but when I'm sitting here all alone with nobody to comfort me except my blog, it all comes back.

I don't know.

God loves me and for now that's enough. I've always been told that I have to love myself before anybody else can love me, and I've never been able to feel that love for myself. I just couldn't grasp how I am supposed to love me, if nobody else can love me, how am I supposed to love me. Even now I don't love myself, but I know that God does and somehow that's enough of a first step. So thank you anonymous commenter, in this moment I feel loved. Love without condition, no matter how much I hate myself and despise myself for what I've done (even though I know I've never done anything that bad) I am loved. The same unconditional love that I try to give to almost anybody, has always been returned by God and now I feel it. Thank you God. In this moment, I love you too.

I am not a stalker. I was sitting around hanging out with my friends and M brother R and K were clearly flirting. At this point I'm more baked then a baked brie and I make a comment "I think they should just have sex and it over with," which was apparently very offensive because he went straight for the jugular and said "At least I can embrace a friendship instead of coming across as a creepy stalker."

Which is always a deep fear of mine. What if I am some creepy stalker that nobody likes? What if all that the roommates are filling my head with is bullshit? What if me and M really will never be, what if nobody likes me? That comment basically threw me into a panic attack. I made a semi-polite exit saying it was time for me to go to bed then I sped home so I could quiver up into a ball and cry. Every time I woke up that's all I could think about and I was able to calm myself down a bit, but as I wake up for the day, I'm still panicking. I don't know.

What's scary is the panic is as much over potentially not seeing her tonight as it is about her thinking I'm a stalker. What is wrong with me? Why do I get so attached to people? Especially if I'm not even dating them? Her brother seems to think that I will never have any chance with her and loves to remind me of it, my roommates who only hear my side of the story seem to think that I might have a chance. Obviously her brother is right there, he sees us interacting and he talks to her away from me. I don't know what I think at all. I know I want companionship and I thought M would provide it eventually if I wait long enough.

Of course what I'm going to do is discuss the stalker comment like an adult. And I know it will all be okay and I know it will be. I'm just still afraid that she won't want to hang out tonight. Isn't this all stalkerish and obsessive?

I went to church and I still feel empty. I was so inspired when I saw the response that I got, I was at the 9:00 AM service this morning. I still so full empty and devoid of meaning, I know I had some moments of joy and acceptance and I desperately want to hang onto them. They say no matter how much life sucks, rejoice and worship god. I'm just not there yet. I just can't worship someone else when I'm still feeling like such a piece of shit myself. Ugh, I'm so lonely I just want everything to go away and life to get better. Of course how can I know how to make things better when I don't even know what's wrong with life?

On another note, the entire time I was at church I kept on glancing around for someone that I know, maybe cluing me in on who has read my blog for a couple of years. I'm curious. How can someone read who I really am in all my insecurities and irrationalities and still want to talk to me?

Somebody comment!!! It's been over two months since anybody has commented on this. I swear my life is getting interesting. The Mh thing heats up and cools down, relational osmosis? I want something more, she doesn't. Happily ever after is forever beyond my grasp, somebody, please, tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I want. The same thing I give to anybody that's stressed out, I just want somebody to tell me "it's going to be okay" and no telling myself that is not enough, for whatever disturbed reason, I'm not good enough to judge if something will all be okay. Ugh. Somebody please though, just say hi here. You'll make the day of a lonely stoner.

This is post number 300!! Nothing to say in it, life is life and it still sucks, but 300 posts later and I'm still alive. Who knew? How many times have I come to this blog on the edge of suicide? And now look at me, not much further from the edge, but I haven't gone over yet. In other more exciting news, Watchmen is the best thing ever. Where has it been all my life? Not much to say, but that's what happens when I try to write when I'm not emotional. Here's to 300 more posts without falling off the edge.

I need someone to start my life with, but who cares? Who cares that I have so much to offer a girl, who cares if there's somebody out there for everyone. Except for those people who die alone and miserable with their family all dead and keep cats for company. Of course I'm going to end up like that. I'm never going to find anybody. Even if I did find somebody I won't know what to do with them. Well maybe I will. I think I'm at a point in my life where I really could be good in a relationship. I finally understand how they work. You have to get to know someone first, date people that you can see spending all your time with instead of girls that are good for fun. I want all of that. I want my happily ever after. I'm sick of being a bachelor. I want a wife and kids and a job and a house and a nice car. I want to take vacations with the kids and grow old with someone. All my dreams of adventure are finally dead. I just want what everyone else has. I'm tired of living like this. Desperately trying to distract myself from the inevitable at any cost. Because as soon as I have any time to think at all, I dwell on the fact that I will most likely die alone. I'm constantly reading or watching TV or doodling in Power Point at work. I can never let my mind stay idle because if I do I'm left alone with my own obsessive thoughts. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to constantly talk myself down from panic attacks? I just want to be normal. Please God give my Happily Ever After and the American dream. Give me what everyone else has. I know it's not the solution to all of my problems, it's just the start of the solution. I'm sick of disappointing my family that I'm not married, I still don't have a steady girlfriend, that's all they want out of me and I can't even give them that. I'm such a failure. I'm never going to amount to anything and everyone knows it, especially me. I don't know why I keep going except for it's better than the alternative.

Just a little reminder to myself the next time I'm feeling obsessive. When my mind is going over the same piece of information over and over again, trying desperately to feed some irrational need, smoke a bowl. When it's an endless cycle of self hate swirling through your mind, smoke more weed, and when you feel guilty, smoke weed.

I quit, I'm mother fucking done. When a friendship can be changed in an instant by an accident, it's all so fragile. Why hope for anything more out of life than debt ridden obscurity? Why can life go from a moment of clarity so Divine like seeing love how it really is, rather than what I wanted it to be, to oh my god, look what I did. I didn't mean to, I bumped into a table with something valuable on it and a water filled vase. The vase spilled and the valuable is ruined. All of the sudden, I'm even more broke than I was before. All I want is my happily ever after, why is that too much to ask?

Another random adventure in poetry. This situation is just a bit too complex to be put into coherent thought. So here it is:

Subtlety

by JF

It wasn't supposed to get like this.
It should have been,
friends being friends,
without tension.
The tension:
like so much else in life,
inevitable.
Time spent alone with each other.
Words said,
and not.
Swimming in subtlety.
I thought they were above it all.
They they say:
"You're good at catching the subtle hints,"
as they gaze deep into my blood shot eyes.
At bad attempt at humor?
An innocent comment?
Probably nothing.
Maybe everything.
Why can't I see it as it should be?
Friends being friends.
Without tension.

Falling for her? Really? She was supposed to be different. The new friend with L Disease where relationships, love, together never came into question. These feelings could be natural. Like with A, conflicting feelings of affection and physical attraction. Maybe they're nothing and I'm trying to push away a friend; maybe their everything and I'm trying to push away something more.

So it's come to my attention that the sanctity of my blog has been compromised. I started the blog as a chronicle of my assent to greatness or my decent to madness. I thought it would be just an occasional post saying how I'm doing and greeting the world. Instead it turned into nothing less than my constant companion. And the thoughts got really personal. I used to use initials for names during my rantings and lately I've gotten lazy. Apparently, somebody searching for their name stumbled upon my blog.

I'm sorry. I'm sure I've said some really offensive things to people assuming, naively, that what I was saying was private. I'm sorry. I have explanations for it all if you're interested. So right for right now all new entries will be saved as drafts and some of my more private thoughts will saved as drafts. If you're interested, please e-mail me at oblivions_abyss@yahoo.com . I will respond to all questions and open up even the darkest part of my soul to those who choose to explore it.

So let's start February a little more whimsically . . .

I am freeing myself from my Spac-ial bondage!

So I was sitting here wandering my normal Sunday morning sites, PostSecret, MySpace, Yahoo!, and I realized, I'm sick of MySpace. It's too much information, is there no such thing as privacy any more. Does anybody want privacy any more. I'm talking about status messages, it's a constant beacon of about life to everyone you know. I don't know why, but it seems like that should be a bad thing. Anyways, as of today, I will not check my MySpace for a week. I know I'll be tempted, but like the Jews in the desert (yeah I know it was Jesus, but I like the Jews better), I shall resist temptation and triumph over evil. This is day one of my quest!

I want a girl that is cute but in a subtle way. A girl that doesn't realize how amazing she is. I want a girl who is smart, but either not as smart as me or differently smart. I want a girl who will expand my horizons and make me try new things. I want a girl who will be infinitely patient with me. I want a girl to fall in love with me and live happily ever after. I want a girl to need me. I want a codependent

God I didn't realize how annoying I was getting. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I'm whiney and depressed and moody and excitable. I'm always up for an adventure, but most of the time I push too hard. I'm just immature is what I am. I can fake maturity and confidence but as soon as I'm comfortable around someone the real me comes out.

Alas, more of the same crap.