My New Year's Resolutions

Okay world, it's New Year's Resolution time.  It's been a hell of a year.  Unemployed for the entire year, but each day growing into myself.  I'm 6 months clean as of Christmas day.  Manny is dead.  Really dead.  I take pills to keep him dead.  I'm drinking too much at the moment.  Actually as we speak I'm in the middle of an atomic power hour.  That's where you take a shot every 5 minutes until the bottle's gone or for an hour which ever comes first.

It's so my easier to write here.  I've been writing here for so long it feels like home.  I know when I'm writing here, I'm writing to my future self.  I know that this time next year or maybe later this year or 5 years from now, I'll come back and read this and see where I've come from.  With my paper journals, it's weirder.  It's more permanent.  When I die, I know when people go through my stuff they'll read my journal.  When I die, I don't know if anyone will bother to read this.  Maybe that's why I should get this web address tattooed on my body somewhere.  Of course I know nobody reads this anymore.  That doesn't matter because I read this.  This is what this is for.  For me.  A written journal is for everyone else.  It's the record of me after I die.  Sigh. 
I guess without any further drunken rambling, here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2013.  I vow that in a year from now, I'll read these again and write something more.

1. Stay off of all drugs.
2. After my current supply is consumed, quit alcohol completely.
3. Maintain and improve my relationships with my family.
4. Maintain and improve my relationships with my current friends.
5. Make at least one new friend.
6. Get a job.
7. Get my license back.
8. Get a car.
9. Move into my own apartment.
10. In all things, be true to my new found self.

Drinking to black out

Hi everyone.  I know it's been 3 months since I've posted anything.  Didn't realize it'd been that long.  To update everyone, I still haven't done Meth since last summer.  Today, I'm going to drink till I black out.  I can't post my drinking on Facebook anymore because Gabbi and Ally read it and think less of me.  I guess I could just not drink, but what's the fun in that.  I'm taking a mini shot every three minutes till I black out or the bottle's gone.  As of now I'm about 1/3 through the bottle and I'm not feeling very drunk.  A little fuzzy in the head, but that's it.  I'm still really bored and it's too rainy out to go for a walk.  I did have futurama on, but now it's over and I'm bored.  Too bored in fact to finish this bottle.  Who cares if I drink it all or not.  It's not as if I'm going for a victory or anything.  Okay, so maybe I'm not drinking till I black out this time.  Or at the very least it's time for a cigarette.  After this shot, lol.

The Death of Manny

Even though it's been 62 days since I've partaken of Manny's favorite food, he still lingers as loud as ever.  (Translation: I haven't smoked meth in 62 days and I'm still hearing voices)  Yesterday I want to the doctor and they gave me some medicine that might kill him.  I almost feel bad.  I'm afraid of how these drugs will change me.  These voices have been a part of my life for 3 years and maybe starting tomorrow they'll go away.  They're never pleasant, ever, but whenever I needed to distract myself from something that I didn't want to think about, they were always there if I called upon them.  Of course they kept me from sitting in a quiet house and relaxing.  There's always, always noise in my life.  Hopefully starting tomorrow the voices in my head will go away. 

RIP Manny

52 days clean today.  Yay for me.  Never thought I'd make it this far.  I know that I'm not going to give in at the point.  It's that simple.  No matter how lonely I get, and I've been unbelievably lonely the past couple weeks, I'm not going to give in.  My unemployment is done used up.  My uncle died yesterday.  I should give up, it'd be so easy.  I'm not going to.  All of those people that speak of suicide as the most selfish thing one can do must realize that not committing suicide is one of the most selfless things a person can do.  To those of us who have been at the edge, sitting in a house alone watching suicide videos just to stare death in the face, wondering what it will be like to finally give in, we know what it's like to pull ourselves up so we won't put our family's through that.

Post # 700!

Wow, 7 years and 700 posts. Incredible.  I didn't even realize that I'd written that much when I came here today.  I came here today to research dreams about that girl from my dreams and I'm still not sure when/where she comes into play.  I think she's super natural in origin.

Anyway, while going though every mention of the word dream in this blog, I realized that I've spent most of the past 7 years bitching about being alone and lamenting over missing my happily ever after.  Thanks to drugs, I have much bigger issues to deal.

I make a promise to you faithful readers that I will no longer come here to bitch about how lonely I am.  I wish I could write more, but I've got stuff to do.  Thanks for reading everyone!!!!

Am I crazy? Yeah I am.

It’s like I’m too different people sometimes. There’s the angry Jason that just wants to fight with everyone, then there’s the “real” me. The sad, lonely, addict who’s struggling through recovery the best he can. Real me is realistic about the future, maybe a bit naïve, but trying to work through it. The angry me is just that, angry. Consumed with all the negativity in life. Nothing’s good, he hates his life and blames everyone else. The trouble is, we both live in the same body and I can’t control him when he’s out. He’s been out for the past few days and here I am dealing with the consequences. Do I have real DID, or is this trying to pass blame for who I am? I don’t know. It’d be nice to have a diagnosis that I can identify with instead of just another addict. I’m tired. Tired of picking up after him, tired of being him. I really want to change, but I’m lazy. I’m very, very lazy. I want everyone else to do it for me. I just want to sit in my room and let the world pass me by. It’s wasting this great and mysterious gift of life, I know it, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I know there’s a 3^rd me somewhere in this mix, someone that actually gives a fuck and wants to change, and sometimes he comes out to play, but mostly it’s angry and me. I guess I’ll call the current me, passive. Am I crazy? Most definitely.

In a moment of clarity, I realized how much my struggles must be hurting my family.  I guess that's all. 

I'm sick of having to be so Fucking grateful

I know they're letting me live here rent free, I know I should be so, so, so grateful, and I'm pretending to be.  I'm pretending to like their psycho dog, I'm doing every dish that's dirtied (mine and theirs) I'm playing games that I hate with them and having mindless conversation about every single detail of their day before I've even had my first cigarette in the morning, I'm doing yard work for free all because I'm supposed to be grateful.  What's going on inside of me, I hope they will never understand.  I'm pushing 21 days clean again and that's where I've failed at least 5 times already.  Every morning I wake up and my first thought is using, triggers are everywhere, and I'm lonely, so god damned lonely, but so lonely that I know if I get a chance to be unlonely then I'll just latch on so badly that I'll push people away.  So instead of seeking an end to my loneliness, I hide inside myself more and I know that will drive me to use.  I just got a dead fuck off letter from Wal*Mart, confirming that I am, in fact, that biggest looser on the planet.  Ugh, I just want to cry, but they're always there, asking me "what's wrong?"  They don't want to know.  I just want to be left alone.

7 years with no memories of a person when there should have been a lot of them seems kind of scary.  Was I abused?  Maybe.  My assignment is the pros and cons of finding out what I'm trying to forget. 

The Cons:
Even the realization that I had a block of memories put me on a lapse.
Would knowing the truth change anything about who I am now?
It would probably just make me more damaged that I already am.
I can always deal with it later.
I have bigger issues to deal with right now.

Pros:
I will have to deal with it eventually, why not now?
You can't fix a problem until you know what caused it.
Actually, maybe that's not true.
You wake up one morning to find that your window's broken, does it matter how it broke, you just have to replace the glass and move on.
If this person abused me, then maybe this person will abuse other people in the future.

I don't know.  Probably not the best thing to do right now.  I think today I'm going to talk about what the next steps are.  I have to make it to 60 days before things will even start to be easier.  You tube showed me that I'm not alone.  Everything that I'm going through all addicts go through.  My question: why do I have all these issues with it and nobody else seems to?

12 days! 12 days! 12 days!

I want to celibrate!  I woke up feeling amazing.  Manny is having he death throws right now and soon he will be an unpleasent memory of all that was wrong with using.  It's not quite a beauiful day out yet, but damn it I'm alive! 

11 days clean!

11 days.  This time I'm in counseling and I'm really, really, really trying to make everything better.  Not all better.  I know there's no such things as making things like they were before this journey started.  I don't want to be where I was before, where I was before wasn't all that great.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and the first week was amazing.  I knew what it was like to want to quit.  I'm not going to fail this time, I refuse to get back into the same old cycle.  Not anymore.  I know I've said this before, but now when I want to use again, I think about the Hell of using and I want to use a little less. 

I'm trying to do this for myself, but it seems that most of the time I'm doing to get back the family and friend that I've lost to this.  Maybe I never really lost the good friends, but they took a step back from me to protect themselves and I understand that.  When I make it to 30 days I'm going to go back and reconnect.  Marlee of course has always been there, through everything, despite my Ferris Beuhler rule that made me push her away when I could have had her.  Suzan and Sarah and Coleman and if I can manage it, Mehgan and Richard are those friends that were SO much fun.  I know I make a policy to never mention names here, but I figure for once, it's positive, so I'm okay with that. Of course I did mention Kandi and Thor when I was still fuming about getting fired from Assurant. 

Anyway, my next mile stone is 3 weeks. I've gotten to 3 weeks at least 3 or 4 times in the past, but I never made it past that, this time is different.  It's going to be hard, hell it's been hard, but I will make it through it this time.  I know it.

Disapointment

Either path I choose, I disappoint someone.  On one hand, my family who's always been there for me and always will be.  On the other, my friends, who may just be using me for my money.  Of course my family may just be using me for my money too.  They're only nice to me when they want something.  I think I should do what I've been told, finally make a decision for myself.  It should be black and white, but it isn't.  To follow the path of independence my lead to deeper dependence, to follow the path of dependence may lead to independence.  So dependence or independence shouldn't factor into my decision any more than who's using me should.  So what should factor into my decision?  What do I want?  I want to be who I was before, but I guess trying to be who I was isn't the right thing to do either.  So what is the right thing to do?!? Who knows.

Suicide Videos

For something as all consuming as life is, ending it is somehow anticlimatic.  I guess it would have to be, but you'd think death would be more . . . fantastic.  Not fantastic like a fireworks show, but more fantastic like the resurection of jesus.  Maybe relivent is the word I'm looking for.  I don't know, but for as much time as I spend thinking about it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  So is this my suicide note?  Probably not.  I'm kinda too tired to finish this thought.  I don't know.  Maybe God will do my (and my family) a favor and let me die in my sleep.  Please God, if it is your will, let it be.  If it isn't, then grant me the strength to get through it.  Of course you probably don't exist anyway and I'm praying to nothing, but you HAVE to exist.  We feel the void in our coniousness and most people come up with the same answer: God.  So God, save me, help me, or fucking kill me already.  I'm done with this.  I don't even have my final out anymore.  Oh well, maybe I'll find one, let's hope so.  I'm publishing this unedited etc. etc.  Good bye.  Gabbi, Ally, I love you, but the pain will be temporary, better to have a lot of pain now then to see me find my rock bottom and keep on digging. 

Sometimes . . .

I wish I had the courage to end it all.  I really do.  If only, life would be better for all.  I'm so selfish to keep going.  I just ruined a birthday party, please, I wish someone would kill me and finally ease the burden on everyone else around me.  Alas, despite my most desperate wishes, I'm still here.  Why? 

God, Grant Me the Courage

To change the things I can.  Please.

Promises I can't keep . . .

I don't want to make a promise I can't keep.  I've failed so much in the past, I don't want to fail again with the hopes of my family upon my shoulders.  I could tell them that I promise this time will be different, this time I'll commit to what needs committed to, but what if I can't keep the promise.  All these goals seem so lofty, so out of reach.  I've been stuck in this cycle for so long that how can I promise never again if I've never even been able to go a month?  Hell, the motto is "one day at a time", now they want forever?  Of course I know the consequences of failure, but I've always known them, what's going to make it different this time?  Nothing.  I know I can't go into this expecting failure, but at the moment, I'm not even committed to a week.  I can commit to today, and tomorrow probably, but forever?

Blah, I guess there's a time for everything and now is the time to make yet another attempt to breaking the cycle. 

Please.  God.  Let it be different this time. 

Not for me, I could care less about me.  I've been waiting to die for a long time now, I just don't have the guts to end it myself.  Let it be different for my littlest sister.  The one who loves me with all her huge heart.  The one that sees her big brother in pain and all she wants to do is make me better. I don't want to fail her anymore.  I'm going to be the big brother that she knows I am, even I can't see that person right now.

Please God, for The Littlest Sister, let it be different this time.

Blah . . .

So conflicted.  Between what was, what is, and what is to be.  I was at the "top of my game".  I had a job, an apartment, a car, good friends, and was working on my personal issues to reach Happily Ever After and then I threw it all away.  I knew what I was getting into when I started down the path and here I am.  I've lost everything and now . . . I'm not even sure what I want to write about that hasn't already been written before.  I had this great epiphany the other day when I came home and my family confronted me w/ an eviction notice that they say was more of a final warning than an actual eviction notice, even though it looked pretty official to me.  So I have two weeks to change my ways and of course I blew it right away.  I know they know, it's obvious.  I can't hide it anymore.  It's reached the point where I barely even try.  I need help.  I know where to get help, I've sought help, but I haven't taken that step.  I can't.  I don't know why I can't take the step.  Go to a meeting.  It seems so simple.  Doesn't it?  But for me it's like finding religion.  You have to want to believe before you can actually believe. Right now, I know that I can't move forward before I take care of my most pressing issue.What I want to write about is guilt.  As soon as I partake, the guilt creeps in.  Or rather, as the time comes to face my family again, knowing how out of it I am, it slams me in the face.  I hate myself and what I've become.  Please God, give me the strength to do what I know must be done.  Please.  Please.  Please. I want to take my final chance and use it for all that it's worth.  I want to be part of this family.  I want to feel loved.  I don't want to feel guilty for my state of mind, and still, I want to give in.  Even as I write this, I would love to partake one last time.  How many times have I used those words: "one last time"?  Too many to not know that there is no one last time.  I don't want my little sister to see me this way.  I'm going to come down stairs at 5 and make myself a modest dinner and I'm going to have to face them.  Why isn't the look of disappointment and fear on the face of my little sister enough to not do it?  My little sister is afraid that I'm going to kill my parents in their sleep.  That's horrible.  That's what I've become to that little girl that cried her eyes out 7 years ago when I went off to Job Corps?  Who wrote me letters saying how much she loved and missed me.  How did happen?  She still loves me.  I know she does.  But if this is what I am to be, I love her too much to put her through it, but not enough to simply quit.  That's all it would take to bring happiness back in the face of the little girls who gave my life meaning when I was struggling with the simpler and deeper issues in life.  Loneliness, etc.   But I'm rambling and this isn't getting anywhere.  I just wish that my family were enough, I wish I knew why it doesn't make a bit of difference except to make me feel guilty after the fact. 

Today . . .

Today, I am going to a meeting.  It's not much, but it's a first step.  Actually, based on passed history, I probably won't go.  Who knows.  I know that I've been stuck in this rut for too long.  I know I had issues before, but now I have a more pressing issue that I have to resolve before I can move forward.  Yeah, I know I brought this issue on myself.  I knew what I was getting into when I started, but now it's time to break the cycle and the first step is going to a meeting.  Wish me luck?

So I didn't win the lottery.  I should have.  Then I could have gone into pre-hab and came out a changed man with $300 million to play with.  Otherwise, I might have gone to Vegas and played blackjack for a million dollars a hand.  After of course I gave 1% to my Facebook friends, 10% to my family and enough for a first class library to my old Job Corps.  Then I just might have to emigrate from America and find a happier place to live.  Blah.

Anyone out there?

Does anybody actually read this anymore? I know I said this blog was dead a couple of months ago, but I'm still here.  I think I'm going to do a little snap shot of my life on March 22, 2012.  As of right now, I'm living off of the last of my unemployment, staying in Lebanon with my parents, allegedly to help them out, but sometime it seems that they're helping me more than I've ever helped them.  I was fired form Assurant about a year and a half ago and I'm still reeling from it.  It was the loss of my identity and so far the only things I've found to replace it are horrible, crippling addictions: food, gambling, etc. I still hope that Happily Ever After is out there, but lately I'm convinced that I will probably die alone and probably young.  It snowed, a lot the night before last, and on the 2nd day of Spring, can you believe it?  So that's about it.  I'm still hoping that the next step in life will reveal itself at the last moment, but I should really make some decisive move either way.  So that's where I am.  Lonely, mostly broke, over 350 lbs now, not a very good outlook, but who know, right?

Blah, bad mood today.  What else is new?  I woke up in such a great mood, but leave it to Them to kill it.  On a happier note, I found a picture of He Who Got Me Fired in an Assurant Yearbook, and I can't tell you the pleasure I got burning a hold in his face with a cigarette.  It was so much fun.  It was as if all of my anger of the past months when through that cigarette into his face.  I hope there is something to VooDoo dolls, maybe somewhere he erupted into blisters all over his smug face.  Yeah, a little evil, but who isn't, right?

Last night, I dreamed of a dead relative.  I saw her in a lucid dream and she came up to me and gave me a big hug.  I cried into her arms and said I missed her so much.  We talked for a while, a long while, right now all I remember is her saying the thing that I want most is coming soon.  I asked, how soon?  She said less than a year.  I told her that her daughter's having a really hard time with her death, and she said she's going to be okay.  What's sad is that even during the dream, I felt annoyed.  The same feeling of hating the world stayed with me through the whole dream.  I wonder if I should say anything to anyone?  I haven't told anyone yet, and when I woke up, I almost posted on her Facebook wall (which is still up and going) but something told me not to.  I just wanted to get this down before I forget about the entire thing.  The thing is, I don't know what that good thing that I've been waiting for is.  My thought during the dream was my Happily Ever After, that's what I've always wanted, but maybe it's true sobriety, independence, my dream job?  Why was I still angry during the dream?  Thinking back on the dream when I woke up, I realized that her lips didn't move the entire time.  It was basically her Facebook picture bouncing up and down like a bad animation.  Her hug, felt just like I remember it, and it was definitely her voice, but I know better than most that my mind can recreate the voices of my loved ones saying things they've never said.  Was it real?  Did it mean anything? 

I don't get it and I shouldn't have to anymore.  I've been living in the same house as my family for the past 6 months and I still don't get along with my step-father.  It's the same issues that we had growing up, but this time I'm actually trying to bend to his will instead of fighting it like I used to.  He recently made it clear that he is the Alpha Male of the household and I have respected that ever since and he still treats me as if I don't exist.  I got back from a recent trip to Albany last night and he has yet to say a single word to me.  I used to think that I've been attempting to gain my mother's approval all these years, but I've had her's all along.  It's his approval that I've wanted all along and I will never get it.  Still, I should be satisfied with this cold war, at least there's no open aggression between us anymore.  At least it creates peace on the surface and reduces the stress on my little sister who's been having stomach issues that they still can't figure out, but they think may be related to stress.  So for the little sisters, for the good of the family, I will maintain the status quo.  If something blows up and goes nuclear, it could and probably will lead to me being kicked out onto the streets with nowhere to go but down.  What I need is a deterrent.  What kept the cold war going for so long without it going to nuclear war was Mutually Assured Destruction, what can I get on him that will cause him to loose as much as me if the situation should erupt? 

Feeling SO low

Damn, I'm feeling like shit.  Lower than low.  I know why, you know why.  Why else?  I just can't seem to shake it.  I try things that would normally have made me feel better, but I just can't help but feel guilty ALL the time.  Maybe it's the lingering loneliness.  Maybe it's the realization that I've finally used up all of my friends, that I've never really matured beyond high school.  Maybe it's exactly what we all know it is, and there's no reason for me to complain.  I brought it on myself and I could fix it, if I really wanted to put in the effort.  But I don't, I guess.  I don't know what I want except to crawl into my own personal hell and ferment into the bitter old man I can only hope to become.  I know thinking about tomorrow always helps me when I'm feeling like shit today.  Let's see, I have the rest of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday before payday.  Two and a half days.  I can do it.  Then what comes of payday?  Who cares.  At least I'll have money.  Then I can have happiness for a few hours and spend the rest of the week waiting till payday.  Meh, it's what I do I guess. 

Now my issue is that I have only two cigarettes to last me two and a half days.  My options are this: sell the two video games I bought in November to the pawn store for maybe $20 when I paid $100 for them initially, or borrow money.  What to do?  I should sacrifice the video games instead of borrowing money.  I know it's the right thing to do.  I've put them on Craig's List hoping to get $50 out of them, but so far no calls or emails, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a walk to the pawn store, which is most of the way to Wal*Mart and it's raining out.  I don't really want to settle for $20 for both of them.  Of course if I do get the $20, then I can buy cigarettes and enough junk food to eat myself into a food coma.  That's probably the best thing to do. *sigh*

What fallows is a draft from a couple of years ago.  This was dealing with Mehgan who turned out to be a really good friend.  And all was exactly what it seemed.  She needed someone to hang out with and I needed it too.  She taught me the value of platonic friendship and introduced me to her brother that turned out to be the best male friend I've ever had.  Then she and her brother moved away.  Leaving me with memories and lessons and a step closer to realizing that there is probably no Happily Ever After.


Do Not Publish until issue is resolved. Don't let yourself get hurt again. This isn't going to be like A or M, this is going to be like AE. This is going to be all the irrational imaginings of happily ever after with no pay out at all except for another empty space in my heart. This is all really irrational and I guess I have to run with it. But whenever I meet a potential girl I fill with hope then the inevitable disappointment. This will end badly. For the love of god, please, please don't invest yourself any further. If something was going to happen, it would have happened all ready. You're better chance at Happily Ever After was that hooker at the store. But she's told you that it's absurd for us to be together. She's struck with the L desease hard. And you fill a need for her. It sucks to be alone all the time and you're somebody to hang out with. You try to show affection and she brushes it off or pushes it away. Think about it. You're biggest arguments saying that she likes you are the way she passes the pipe to initiate touch, even though she never grabs the pipe back that way in return. Your other argument is a comment she made yesterday about how I really pick up on subtle signals. She could have been saying the opposite too. She could have been saying, please, pick up on my signals for you to go away. I understand her motives for wanting me around and she should have no guilt over the way I feel for her because she said that there is nothing between us. Then she basically initiates a date for tomorrow. Again this is most likely her just wanting someone to do stuff with. It would suck to go to the movies alone. Imagine the scene, you're sitting there in the movie and you take her hand, she jumps looks at you funny and you've lost another friend. Of course she doesn't like you. She's a LESBIAN and she's told you that. Remember this. Please, I know you're trying to grasp at hope, but it's not going to happen. Think of it this way, it cannot end good. Either you say something to her about the feelings and she's incredibly offended and hates you forever; or at the very least wants to hang out with you less and tells everyone at work how weird you are for even thinking something so absurd, or maybe she calls you a stalker. Or you continue to hang out like you are with her hiding these feelings that will only grow worse and more obsessive and live the next however much time hoping for something that will never, never, never, never be. Or you tell her and she actually does like you and maybe you get an amazing girlfriend. But I promise that won't happen. Because it doesn't happen that way. You don't deserve happiness. You want it, but you don't deserve it. But wanting it, it makes you deserve it even less.

This blog will never die . . .

So after the most recent talk w/ my family I've fully resolved every issued raised.  I now do ALL my own dishes, I feed the dog and don't bitch about walking the extra 20 feet to put the cup back in the bin of dog food, I've kept my bathroom sprall to a minimum, the one bit of public area that I claim has been kept impecably clean, and I've reduced my usage of their computer to a half hour a day which I've kept to.  I even take out the trash and watch their dog whenever they need me to.  Then why do I still feel unwelcome in the house?  Why do I still stay in my room 20 or so hours every day?  I don't know.  I still feel that I have to be invited to participate in family activities and even coming downstairs to watch a little TV in the evenings seems awkward.  Maybe it's because I don't really want to be part of this family.  I'm still wrestling with my own demons and I'm mostly content to spend my days in my room.  Still, it's often a lonely existence.  Should I just relax?  Probably.  Like I've been told again and again in life by people who have known me and completely different places and times: just chill.  So maybe that's just what I'll do.  Just relax and do my own thing and know that when I feel comfortable to come out of my shell, my family will be there to embrace me into their fold. . . yeah right.

I'm waiting for the day when my Unemployment runs out and they smile as they kick me out to the street again.  Do I really have to make such a huge personal sacrifice to validate my long held suspicions that they actually don't give a fuck about me?  Yeah.  I know I need something drastic to break me from this cycle. Still, I have a few months of unemployment left and maybe, just maybe, something will come along and I'll be on track in life.  This time more experienced and better equipped to deal with the challenges and to recognize the opportunities.

Okay, so not really . . .

So I thought this blog was dead, but I think I've changed my mind.  This blog has been too much a part of my life for too long to give up on it just like that.  Unlike most of my friends who seem to have abandoned me, I do not abandon things that are important to me.  Right now I'm feeling really lonely, probably the result of having spent the entire day in my room, save a couple of hours this morning where I watched the dog.  I just couldn't think of a good reason to come down stairs today.  I came down for lunch, and I came down to smoke a cigarette just to get out of the confines of my room.  Okay, so maybe I should have gone for that walk that I've been talking about for days, maybe I could have gone apply for some jobs, but some days you just don't feel like doing anything and today was one of those days.  I wish someone would reach out to me and say Hi, I'm happy that you exist.  For now, I just feel like a burden on everyone.  Like coming down stairs to be part of the family would somehow infringe upon their time as a family.  That's why tomorrow, I'll spend the day in my room again, doing nothing except for playing video games and praying to a god that I'm not sure exists to please, oh please end my loneliness.  Okay, tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be, right?

This blog is dead . . . (maybe)

I was laying awake last night, with death on my mind and I realized the usefullness of this blog has worn out.  It was intended to be a vehical of self improvement and dumping ground for my innermost thoughts for the world to judge.  Now my innermost thoughts have become too disturbed for the general public and this blog is in the hands of my family and former coworkers.  In a bad economy, when I'm struggeling to find a job, any job, this could be used against me in a very bad way.  So on that note, this blog is dead.  I will now send my thoughts into the world in a series of actual notebooks that will be read, and hopefully distributed, only upon my death.  Still a hope for posthumous fame, but in this life I am not destined for greatness. 

For those who discover this in later years, I will put in my will that my death be announced here and what can be deciphered of my written text be posted here. 

Thank you for everything.  This has provided a creative outlet for me through the years when I still felt I had creativity left in me. 

And who knows, this may simply be the result of a late night existential crisis and I could be back tomorrow.

$8 for four days of food

Okay, so I got my refund from Netflix, and I now have $8 to feed myself for four days.  The classic 5 dollar week is a dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, and a loaf of bread.  A gallon of milk is $2.50, a loaf of bread is $1, and a dozen eggs is $1.50.  Not enough for three meals a day for a week, but definately good enough for breakfast and lunch.  Two eggs a day for six days, skip breakfast on the 6th day, plenty of toast and milk.  It's not a bad way to eat.  You'd think I'd loose some weight at some point, but nah.  So for eight dollars I get the bread, milk and eggs, and then I have an extra three dollars left.  With that, I could get a jar of peanut butter which is surprisingly high in calories or a box of ramen, but UGH!  Maybe some mac and cheese.  As far as produce goes, I may be able to get some potatoes and an onion to add baked potatoes to my list of things that I can make or maybe I could skip the bread and eggs and think of making a good soup that'll last me a few days.  I made split pea last time and it was okay and really cheap, though I'd have to invest $3 or so into ham pieces.  Same with potato soup. What else could I make that's incredibly cheap?  I just looked up "ultra cheap meals" and came up with some ideas.  Maybe a good cream of mushroom or cream of broccoli soup.  Hmm, that sounds good.  For $3, I could make a soup, easy.  Well, we'll see what I come up with.

Fucking Oregon Lottery!

I hate it, every time I sit down in front of one of those machines I will spend every cent that I have to my name in hope of hitting a big jackpot and when I do, I spend the jackpot before I walk away.  I'm such a piece of shit.  This time, I sacrificed my food money and so I have a half a loaf of bread, nine eggs, and three top ramens to last me to payday.  Wow.  So I'm really feeling like shit right now.  I've given up so much for so little.  There's nothing in return.  A feeling of excitement, of maybe, just maybe, this time will be different.  I want to be a better person, but it seems like I'm getting further and further away from the good person that I once was.  Maybe there was a time when I could have pulled my self out of the gambling cycle, but those days are long passed.  So I sit here and I wait for my next paycheck when I will spend the bare minimum on bills then go sit in a bar for an hour and put bill after bill into the machine hoping to find happiness in money and flashing lights.  I remember when I would go to the bars to sing and get drunk, sure I'd drop a hundred bucks in a night for liquor, maybe black out and make an ass out of myself, but at least then I had the good pure fun of being on stage and being the center of attention for a good reason for at least a few minutes.  What do I get now?  To be that guy in the corner getting sadder and sadder as my money gets lower and lower.  There's not a lot in life that's worse then the feeling of your last dollar in the machine.  You know you've spent more than you should, you know what waits you when it's gone.  No food, no extra money, minimal cigarettes, and still you hope beyond reason that the next hand of video poker will strike it rich.  You swear to yourself again that you'll walk away if only you can get it back up to $20, and you actually believe it.  Then that last quarter.  You pray to a god that will not listen to please let it be a winner.  Then it's gone.  You're alone.  Nobody cares that you've there once again.  It's done.  Who knows, maybe next week I won't put any money into a poker machine . . . yeah right.

Just saw my friend come online who I haven't seen in months, years? I don't even want to say hi, what do I have to say to him?  Look at me, I'm STILL unemployed, I'm still perpetually single, I've lost my car, there's nothing good to say about me.  I'm a complete and total looser, I have no right to exist.  I'll leech off the government as long as I can and then see what happens I guess.

Okay, so failure again.  What's new?  Oh well, at least it was fun . . . now I'm awaiting certified letter from the IRS . . . Yay.  Still, life could be a lot worse. Don't you think?

Okay, I'm still alive.  Last night, laying in bed, I had kind of a morbid vision.  Well maybe not a vision, maybe a pre-dream.  Anyway, I was laying on this knitted blanket that I use in lieu of a bottom sheet, and I was saw my grandma on her death bed.  She's not dead yet, nor is she dying, well she's old, but not dying in any immediate way.  So she was on a hospital bed and the family was gathered around her, and everyone was getting to say their goodbyes, and I thought, what will I say?  What can you say?  So here I am, 9 days into the new year and 10 days clean (again) and I'm contemplating death.  Well trying not to, and not too deep.  I still have the original agreement with myself not to think about death until I'm thirty.  Of course thirty is barely 3 years away.  So yeah, I'm still alive for now.