Blah

Why must life seem so futile?  New Years alone?  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Or at least it didn't seem important enough to worry about until it was too late.  So today I realized that I may be faced with spending New Years alone.  It seemed like an okay idea.  Sitting alone in my room reflecting on how far I've fallen in the past year.  Oh have I fallen.  Now, as the day approaches, little more than 24 hours till 2012, the thought fills me with dread.  I'm so sad right now.  I just want a little bit of validation.  I'm so angry, I just want some satisfaction.  I'm so ugh, I just want blah!  :-(

My Ankles

They hurt SO bad.  I know at 300+ pounds I'm bound to have ankle, knee, feet problems, but over the past week they have gotten worse and worse.  It takes so much effort just to stand up and when I get up, then most of the time I have to hold onto things or lean on walls just to walk around without wincing in pain.  I'm sick of it.  I'm afraid people that think I'm doing it for attention, but I promise you I'm not.  They actually hurt, and they haven't stopped hurting for a week and a half.  First it started with my left ankle, which is still the worst of it, but by over compensating, my right ankle is hurting now too.  I really hope this goes away at some point.

Finally an emotional snapshot!

Wow, I am so angry right now.  I wake up and my ankle hurts to bad I can barely put weight on it, so I ask my step-dad to make a stop at the store on his way back from taking his little girl to school to pick up cigarettes for me.  Of course the douche says no, even though he's making a special stop for his other little princess to pick up a tooth brush, and of course she didn't offer him anything to do it.  Then I say: "Why do we have to see those people tomorrow if we're gonna see them next week anyway? Alas, I'm obligate." Referring to my sister's birthday party, and the other little princess says, "Then don't go, nobody wants you there anyway!" What a bitch!  I mean, is there any worse way to start the day than being told your family doesn't want to be around you?  I mean, fuck!  My douche for a step father won't stop at the store for me even though I'm crippled, and his little princess says nobody wants me at the family thing anyway.  What a great way to start the day!  To think, even though I was hurting by the time I made it to the stairs, I stopped to appreciate the sunrise and thought today was going to be a good day.  So much for that.  Fuck!  Seriously, I feed his fucking dog and take out his fucking trash when he's not here, and he can't make one stop for me?!?!?!  I knew my first impression of that asshole was right 20 years ago when I first met him, took me 20 years to confirm it.

Jamie!!!!

My Kiwi Angel, you're still alive and reading my rants, thank you!!! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments.  Plus, because of you I have a minor infatuation with your whole country.  I now know who the All Blacks are and I have an above average understanding of rugby.  Also, I know that New Zealand is in fact two islands . . . okay, really that's all I know, but still it's a lot more than most ignorant Americans.  Thanks again . . . :)

I know I shouldn't . . .

Sometimes living with my family is the best thing that ever happened to me.  There's no pressure to be anyone but myself and they have to love me for it.  Even when I make what to me seems like a huge mistake (spending part of my rent money on Video Poker) they still don't hate me?  What's up with that?  Still, this isn't good.  I love being part of the unit and feeling like a kid again.  I like the sense of structure and not wondering where my next meal is coming from.  I love knowing that no matter what, there will ALWAYS be dinner cooked for me every night.  It's making me irresponsible and immature.  Because I don't have to be responsible or mature.  Still, there is something that will never beat mom's cooking.  Even though at 26, I should have my own wife and kids and house and car and career.  I was on the track to have all of that, and then Assurant and specifically Kandi and Thor fired me and threw me to curb like five years of my life were nothing.  I would love to say that I'm done falling from that blow, but nope.  Over a year later, I'm still reeling.  Alas, I ramble.  At this moment, I am grateful for my family who forgives me when I can't forgive myself.  Now if only I can shake the lingering influences from that which I escaped.

My loyal fans

Come, embrace me.  Show me the praise that I so desparately need right now. . . not that I deserve it, but still shower your entertainer with praise.  Tell me that I'm beautiful, tell me that I'm good, tell me that life somehow has a meaning and tomorrow is a new day.  Fill me with the optimistic bullshit that I feed my Facebook followers.  One day this Blog will be famous and you're on the ground floor my friends.  Of course if it isn't famous yet, maybe it will never be, but who knows, maybe. 

So now I lay my head to sleep and pray the lord that I come up with something fresh and original to write about tomorrow that will somehow make me famous and immortal here.  This may be my only chance and fame and immortality.  Nothing lasts forever, least of all us.  I know I'm setting myself up for failure when I attempt sleep in a couple hours, but still, soon we will all be dust and never mind, not the thing to talk about with our nightly mini-death awaiting us all.

How many of you are there anyway?  I see lots of page views, every post gets 7-10 views, but how many of those are me admiring my own work?  So reply people, post your comments, please when I need it the most but deserve it the least, show me that I'm not alone in my little corner of the Internet.

please

I feel like writing

I'm not sure what I feel like writing, but I feel like saying something.  There's a lot I need to say, but a lot I can't say.  So I'll talk about the trivial.  Christmas is coming up and as a snap shot of my life I'm still mostly broke, living off of unemployment while it lasts with not prospects for gainful employment in the future.  I never appreciated Assurant until it was gone, but I still hate Thor.  I will always hate Thor.  Forever and ever Amen.  And I'm bored.  Bored and kinda lonely but not in the mood to socialize which is kind of weird.  I'm nearing the end of my experiment in paper blogging.  When it's done I'm going to transcribe as much of it as I can read and post it online anonymously.  A lot of it is my relationship with Manny, so it's not exactly when I want to post here under my own name.  Since what it became was a documentation of my inner monologue at my very, very worst, I will call it simply: "The Inner Monologue of a Random Looser".  It goes on for literally hundreds of hand written pages. Sometimes it's legible, sometimes it's not.  I'll do my best. 

I have no right to want a girlfriend.  I'm a unemployed, obese, drug addict.  I have nothing to offer to the opposite sex.  Still, and I'm sure this has more to do with the constantly fluctuating brain chemicals than anything, I want to be part of a relationship.  I crave affection and attention.  I no longer expect a girlfriend to make everything better, those days are finally behind me.  Maybe I'm lonely, but I've pretty much given up on Happily Ever After.  Oh well we all know who my real lover is, she's pale and sharp and packs a punch, but once she gets her claws into you, nobody else compares.  Tomorrow: I will write again about my ideal woman.

Finally Manny relaxes his grip on my mind, he's there but he's fading . . . phew.

Manny

Manny (external manifestation of internal strife) is just part of the game. If I want to play, if I want the dopamine rush that cannot be beat, then Manny is a part of it.  And maybe I'm not mature enough to handle TWMNBN (That Which Must Not be Named), the Voldemort of the world in which I choose to dwell.  Maybe I'm the Ron instead of the Harry, maybe I'm even the Neville, but I can't resist.  There is a point is where everything is just more fun and nothing can go wrong, where there is no down to the up, the perfect Yang symbol.  Then at some point, in order for the universe to exist, the Yin must come into play.  Down must come with the up, always.  As much as you would love to exist entetirely in the Yang, you can't.  Ever.  So today I deal with the Yin, the light in my beloved darkness.  I knew it was coming, it always did, and I had fun.  That's always the rationalization. 

Qutting again . . .

Wow, who knew that this would have so many ups and downs? 

I once wrote: The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and dispare. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

I wrote that way back in 2006, almost 6 years ago.  Every day that has new meaning to me.  I just wanna, I don 't know what I want anymore.  Right now, I want to hibernate in my room contemplate the nothingness.

Just something I wrote on a friend's wall . . .

We met through a mutual friend in Coleman and were instant friends. Sarah is a always up for an adventure, whether it's sitting around watching every single NFL playoff game, or singing the best duet of "Picture" Albany has ever seen, she's always up for a good time. Of course there was that one knock on my window at 1 in the morning that turned out to be her and her roommate running from her crazy boyfriend, but even that turned into a hell of an adventure. She's strong with a sensitive side, sweet with a fist of iron, and it goes without speaking that she's cute as a button :) (how's that for a paragraph?)

So I'm drunk, but . . .

It's amazing how when I was done with coming off of That Which Must Not Be Named, how my true friends stuck with me.  It's surprising, somewhat, which friends were the ones to stick with me.  In all, I'm happy, at least at the moment.  In the mean time, I'm going to finish reading this amazing ESPN.com article about how the Ducks are gonna kill Stanford of Friday then I'm gonna go drink till I'm gone and then pass out.  Alone, all alone of course, but happy.  Artificially happy, but happy none the less.  Love you all!

I miss my friends, I admit it.  I want to go back to Albany and have a fun day, but I know I can't go back without falling.  I don't want to fall but I'm sick of spending all my time in my room playing video games and getting fatter.  It's a lot less stressful, but the loneliness is finally starting to kick in.  Oh, and Kandi and Thor, I still hate you.  Again, no threats of violence implied or otherwise, but you cost me my job and for that I still hate you.  Every day that I go without another career I hate you a little more.  That is all.

I can't stop thinking about death and dying.  I can't lay down without thinking that I'm going to die someday and maybe someday soon, and even if it isn't some day soon it will be eventually.  What have I done with my life so that people will remember me in 20 years?  I want to be remembered forever, like Plato, Homer, Julius Caesar, Jesus (who may or may not have existed). 

Go All Blacks!

New Zealand won the Rugby World Cup, best game of rugby I've ever seen. . . of course it's the only game of rugby I've ever seen.  Anyway, just wanted to say congrats to the All Blacks and hi to my own Kiwi Angel.

I understand that when I've spent my entire life attempting to buy friends that it's my fault when I find friends that use me, but family?  Come on.  I spend so much money on these people, I don't buy anything for myself without sharing, and nothing.  No small acts of kindness from anyone, and they still spend all their money on their fucking girls.  I'm so sick of doing them favors and expecting random acts of kindness in return.  At least when people were using me in Albany, they would occasionally burst out with something small but thoughtful that would make me smile inside and out, these people just make me feel like shit.  This is my family, and they don't even try to be nice to me.  Sad, frustrating, disheartening.

Constant Anxiety

I've been in a continuous anxiety attack for the past four or five days and I don't know why.  It's really bad too.  It started a few nights ago when I was watching History Channel and I thought about death, death always leads me to an anxiety attack, I closed my eyes and I calmed myself down from it.  It never really went away.  Each night as I tried to finish watching The History of Us on Netflix, I realize that every one of the people that they're talking about is dead and I have to turn it off in favor of more mundane fare such as Family Guy.  I can sleep, but just barely.  I read a blip in Time about a new book that said something like every night we plunge ourselves into oblivion and it's terrifying.  I've always felt that way, but seeing it put into words scared me.  Since the night of the near panic attack (and I differentiate between anxiety and panic) I've had to use the strategy that never fails to alleviate my fear of sleep.  I set my phone alarm for 2-5 minutes from when I lay my head down, and I close my eyes.  I know that the alarm will wake me up in a couple of minutes, so it doesn't seem as scary just to close my eyes, knowing that I'm going to wake up in a couple minutes.  By the time the alarm wakes me up, I'm too close to sleep to be afraid of it.  Sometimes the very act of laying my head to the pillow, knowing that I'm going to be unconscious for the next 4-6 hours is terrifying.  It's the closet we ever get to death and we do it ever night.  So yeah, I'm done. 

So it's three weeks and one day, I was told yesterday that three weeks is a notorious hump for what I'm going through.  Last time, three weeks to the day was as far as I lasted, this time it's just as hard, but I don't want to fail.  I could fail easily, it would be as easy as making a phone call and I could have it delivered faster than a pizza.  No.  I can't.  I won't.  Not this time.  It's hard, harder than it should be.  I'm sick of sobriety.  I just want an escape from myself.  I mean, I'm happy with what I've become.  I'm less controlled by my emotions, my anxiety is way less than it was, but worse than I remember it.  I'm a nice guy right now.  I'm not a slave to my desires.  I'm not broke anymore.  I'm making a possibly unwise investment today when I buy a PS3 instead of what I would normally spend my money on.  I don't know.  I'm rambling.  I'm scared.  I want it so bad.  It's horrible to want something this bad that I know will be nothing but bad for me.  I can't give in.  Well I can give in.  That's the hard part, I could give in if I wanted to, but I WILL NOT GIVE IN!  This is my time to say NO!  It was actually offered to me today and I said no.  I was proud of myself, but I'm not sure if I should be making such a big deal out of it.  It's just that.  Plenty of people control it, but I can't.  I can't control it once I start.  Does it make me weak, maybe, maybe it makes me stronger to know that I can't control it.  I don't know.  But I will not fail.

I come home after a hard day at work and I take it out on the easiest target.  In this case, Him.  I don't like him, he's a horrible, manipulative person that doesn't deserve what limited happiness he has.  He's turned my little sisters against me, and I've already mentioned that he ended up in jail for hitting my mother (which they both still deny, those lying pieces of shit) and he tried to kiss my then 19 year old cousin when she was most vulnerable, again he denies this.  I hate that son of a bitch and I've always hated him.  So after a long day at work when he's being the piece of shit, passive aggressive asshole that he normally is, I almost, finally go off on him.  I bruised his rib once when I was a teenager, now 150 lbs heavier, I'm afraid that I would hurt him a lot worse and end up in jail.  I don't know why everybody doesn't see him as the horrible person he is.  It's entirely possible that this may all be in my head.  My experiences with That-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named has left me questioning my perception of reality.  Who do you think the oft mention Manny is?  Manny is simply: The External Manifestation of Internal Strife.  The point being, I don't know he's actually a piece of shit, or if it's all in my head.  I can never trust my own perception when Manny is still a part of my life.  I've read that extended and excessive use of That-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named will cause Manny to pop his ugly head up for up to a year after once ceases.  So I'm at 2 weeks now, only 50 to go.  But because He is storming around like the asshole that he is, I must stop this mid rant without ever getting to my reason for starting this post.

The point was: I'm afraid that if I come home from a long day at work and take out my frustrations with life on the easiest target, doesn't that make me potentially emotionally abusive to my future wife and children?  Of course, that's exactly what Asshole does, so maybe it's simply a product of being related to Him.

Or maybe he's actually an asshole and the maybe being out in public and realizing that I am not in fact a piece of shit, of having momentary glimpses of how the world actually sees me, I realize that I'm not the problem.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a huge emotional explosion.  I've been hiding my emotions behind distractions for so long, that now that I no longer have those distractions I feel like I'm gonna blow any second.  Still, time for work :(

The Cold War

I am stuck in a cold war.  There is no overt fighting, but it seems like we're always trying to get a leg up on the other.  It could erupt into a huge fight at any moment.  All it will take is a few insensitive words and the other will react.  I know that if they offend me one too many times, then I could drop a few words and this entire household will be fighting.  All I'd have to say is something insensitive about any of the many family "secrets".  I could point out the time he hit on my cousin (and his step-niece) when she was most vulnerable.  I could bring up the time he went to jail for hitting my mother.  I could remind him how his family thinks he drove his own mother to overdose on morphine. Any of those would do the trick.  I know he resents my presence here, and I still resent his.  I still hate him.

I never realized how much hate is pent up in my heart.  I hate Him, I hate Thor, and I hate myself most of all.

You're right.  They do distrust me, they've distrusted me since day one and as far as the actual disdain for me being in their home, it's obvious.  I've been so wrapped up in trying to get their approval that I couldn't see it.  How naive does that make me?  I thought that by moving in here when they needed me, I might actually, finally get their approval. I can't.  I won't.  No matter how much I try, and I've been trying for the better part of three decades now, I will never, ever get their approval.  So I fulfill my original obligation, because I am a man of my word and I'll give them six months of my life.  I'll use these six months to clean up and get a job, and I will try not to dwell on the fact that my deepest, most secret, life's ambition will never be accomplished.

I would never tell anyone, least of all myself, that everything that I have done in life up to this point has been to gain my parents; approval. It has.  The worst part of every failure in life has been how I was going to explain it to them.  I have never grown up.  It's ironic that it would take moving back home to make me realize that I've never grown up.  I will never get their approval.  They don't trust me.  They don't want me in their home. 

I will never get their approval.  They don't trust me.  They don't want me in their home.
I will never get their approval.  They don't trust me.  They don't want me in their home.
I will never get their approval.  They don't trust me.  They don't want me in their home.

I feel a big fight coming.  Too many little frustrations building up.  It's going to be a knock out, blow out fight that will be talked about in the family for years to come.  It will come down to me failing as a son yet again.  I couldn't cooperate and live like an adult.  It sucks because it's a lot of little things frustrating me right now.  Like the little sisters.  They're both too lazy for words.  Alien actually has her dinner served to her in front of her lap top that her mommy and daddy bought for her and when I was taking out the trash and realized that it was raining and I left my shoes up stairs, I asked her to walk twenty feet to take it out for me, and she refused.  What a stuck-up, lazy, little, moody, bitch.  The glares I get when I use the computer, it's as if I'm doing something wrong just being down here.

Really I need to decided exactly what I'm entitled to as a renter.  I'm certainly getting less than what I was getting in any other rental situation.  I mean, in other situations, I actually get access to public areas.  God forbid I actually wanted to have some friends over to have a few beers, or *gasp* smoke a bowl!  What if I wanted to use the public areas, can't really do that.  If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm really disliking it here right now.  Of course, in all my past living situations, I've had times where I disliked it.  I really don't want roommates again, if I'm going to move out, it's going to be on my own.  Whatever, fuck these people.

Now is the time decide if I am going to be part of this family or just another renter.  Rather, it's time for them to decided if they want me as part of this family or just another renter.  I actually wanted to be part of this family, I wanted to recapture what I didn't have growing up.  Maybe it was never there. This isn't my fault.  I tried.  I tried to make this work.  When they raised the rent by $50, I didn't say anything.  When they violated the complete sovereignty of my room that I insisted upon before agreeing to move, I still didn't protest.  I bent over and took it because I wanted to help my family. They were getting evicted and I stepped in to help them.  I gave up my life to pay THEM rent.  Granted, it wasn't much of a life to give up.  But I still tore myself away from it to help them.  It's not as if I haven't suffered.  The limited social skills that I have fought so hard for have gone.  I can't go into Wal*Mart without being attacked by anxiety.  I can't enjoy being around my friends without being nervous.  Of course it was like this before.  And I really don't have any point here.  I'm just frustrated.  I wanted to be part of this family, but I'm feeling like they don't want me to be.  If they're not going to offer me a place to sit in the living room, if I'm going to be expected to sit on the floor to be part of this family, if rent does not entitle to me to even a small portion of what should be a common area, then fuck them.  I'll be just another renter.  These people don't mean anything to me.  Of course they do.  But I can pretend.

Disillusioned.  Completely and utterly disillusioned.  The foundation of all that I held sacred has been shattered.  Okay so maybe not.  Same story I've written a hundred times here: I meet a girl, fall in love, she just wants to be friends, this time I did "just want to be friends" . . . I was happy with it.  She gave me something that I needed when I was going through a hard time in life.  Not sex or anything like it.  I'm pretty sure that I'm officially too fat to get laid, and even though I'm not really okay with it, it does take a lot of the pressure off.  She gave me a caring ear when I needed it the most.  She pretended to care when no one else would.  Or rather, I believed that she cared when I didn't trust anyone else.  Now I don't think she ever cared.  Or maybe I'm just being a selfish kid because my friend was dealing with her own issues and I wanted to whine about my own.  That's it.  I should delete what I just wrote, but I'm not going to.

I know I've been really selfish lately.  I'm so wrapped up in quitting.  All I want is someone that understands.  Someone to be proud of me for doing one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I should just be proud of myself and I should have been a better friend to her.  Wow, I'm such an inconsiderate asshole.  Of course, I did help her move, babysit for free and let her borrow money for gas.  Now I feel like she owes me.  I've lost so many friends because I thought they owed me.  Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe.  I just don't know.  I've never known.  Now seven days (or really a month with a weekend off) into quitting everything is coming back to the surface that was oppressed when I wasn't quitting. 

So in short, I'm scared, lonely, and mildly suicidal at the same time afraid that I'm going to die if I don't quit eating like I do.  As usual I'm a total mess that doesn't deserved to be loved. 

A fellow blogger recently spoke of the hole in us all that we struggle to fill.  They filled that hole with sex and relationships and I filled it with drugs.  There really is no difference.  What I filled that hole with filled it so completely that it was overflowing.  Now I can never have that again.  Nor would I want it.

One more note on this rambling post . . . I know a little boy who's had leukemia for a few months and he's been doing the chemo thing.  I haven't seen him for a couple for a couple of weeks and when I saw him today he looked Really skinny.  I'm not sure if he's doing okay, but if you read this, would you please send some prayers to whatever gods you pray to that he gets better?  That kid is so smart and I saw him not a year ago being the rowdiest one in the group, now he's always tired and he gets hurt easily.  So please, keep little Cameron in your thoughts.

Q 7.1

So a five minute free write, that's all I have time for.  And yeah I quit, and then I failed and then I quit again.  But my life isn't about quitting anymore.  I needed to see that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, it's not greener on this side either.  It's all the same shade of dull gray waiting for me to give my own color to it.  What else is on my mind?  I don't know.  I'm going back to Albany today to see Z.  Last time I went, I failed on my adventure in quitting and I didn't see her because I was too ashamed.  Now she's moving and I'm going to be there to help.  I'm always going to be there to help.  She's been there through so much, I don't want her to be another Amy.  A friend lost because I was never satisfied with friendship.  More of the same shit, more of the same nothingness and everythingness that is my life.  I want so much.  I alternate between extreme fear that I'm dying, and the desire to slowly kill myself with food and cigarettes.  I just want to give up trying.  Today is not that day.  Today is the day that I go to town to see a friend and I don't end up hurting myself along the way.

Q 0.1

Me: It was a weird day . . . I'm having a crisis of confidence myself, or rather I realize that I've been in the middle of a giant crisis of confidence since I lost Signal and I'm finally realizing it. I don't want to be built up, cause everyone always tries to build me up, but I honestly have no idea why anyone could possibly like me as a person when I do such horrible things sometimes.

So now that I've realized that I'm right back where I started six years ago, now it's time to build myself back up step by painful step.

Z: because under it all, YOU are a great person and just need to realize it... My kids love you and they are innocent enough to tell bad people

Those steps are way painful because I am there with you

 

Just something I wanted to save.  Totally made me cry.  Z is the one person that I never question her motives.  When Z says something like that you can't help but believe her.  To best friends!

Q12

So tired, so hungry, so depressed. Just feeling down today.  I don't crave anymore and I think I'm going to end the Qs after Saturday.  Two weeks.  That's what it took for it to get off of my mind.  Now I'm just sad and alone and I have to start picking up the pieces.  I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what's next.  I don't even really know what I want except to eat.  I want to eat all the time, but now since I'm no longer doing one thing that would have ended up killing me, I have to quit food.  Not quit eating completely, just eating to the point where I'm full all the time.  Speaking of all the time, my tooth is hurting pretty much all the time now.  It's always aching, I just want it to go away.  I want to eat without thinking about how pain I'll be in afterward.  I want to eat without feeling guilty.  I want, I want, I want, I want, I want!  That's all I can think about is what I WANT!  UGH!

Q11?

So I've quit.  I've quit everything!  I thought that it was cause of my anxiety and paranoia, why am I still feeling both as bad as ever?  This wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to quit and it was all supposed to be magically better.  And to top it all off, I was in the middle of a conversation and all of the sudden the flavor comes back in my mouth for no reason.  Damn it!  This is so frustrating! 

For once, not a quitting related post.  Looking at pictures of Herz, either she doesn't photograph well or I was blinded by something like love or devotion or I dunno.  It's just weird.  If my feeling towards Herz don't hold up to barely a week away, what else won't hold up?

Q9 - Why do I always wake up so ANGRY?

Wow, I need to wake up happy one of these days . . . I'm sick of life.  I'm sick of the routine.  Same thing every day.  Sobriety, eating, reading, sleeping, more long, boring, sobriety!  I'm so sick of it!  I can't wait to give in.  Just a few more days I think, then fuck it.  Who really cares anymore?  I'm sitting here pouring my soul to the universe, day after day and still not one comment?  Doesn't anybody care about what I'm going through?  I've said this before, but I miss my fake friends.  I don't even care that they use me for every cent that I have and then ignore me for the rest of the time.  Give me that instead of this purgatory of sobriety.  It's been 9 days sober and it's killing me.  I crave that which must not be named, but more, I crave the false sense of camaraderie.  So I go back to bed like I usually do and maybe I'll wake up happier, I really hope I do . . .

Q8 - So ready to give in

First of all, why is nobody commenting on all of these posts?  These are compelling!  I'm quitting the hardest thing there is to quit.  Nobody cares?  Well I guess that's pretty much my situation in life, nobody really cares.  They all just wanted something.  And today I wake up to: "Oh, you were gonna stay here for $250 a month and free food, but now you're eating more than we thought, so that's not gonna happen." So now I have to pay $300 a month so it's only $25 less than what I was paying in Albany and THERE'S STILL NO CABLE!  Comm'on people.  It's football season, it's finally the regular season, football is what you're supposed to do on Saturdays and Sundays.  I don't even get to watch the Seahawks play?  Fuck you people.  I just want to go back to Albany and get back into what I was into.  Sure I was broke all the time, but at least I could eat what I want and watch football all weekend and nobody was gonna tell me otherwise.

But no.  I'm just mad.  I'm not gonna go back to Albany to get back into what I was into.  It's just SO hard right now.  I dreamed about it last night.  All last night I was searching, searching, searching for a bag. I couldn't find one and I couldn't find minutes for my phone.  And even when I did find a phone to use to call the people that I would call, I couldn't dial the number right.  At some point in the middle of the dream, I was babysitting for Lady Gaga and she took me into her back bedroom and offered me a that which I desire most.  It was amazing.  What's sad is that it barely registered that I was sitting in a bedroom with Lady Gaga, all I remember is doing what I so desperately want to do.  Sad, pathetic, I know. And then to wake up to this, it was just too much.  So now I'm going to smoke one more cigarette and I guess go back to bed for a couple hours.  Maybe I'll find some football on the radio, yay.

But I don't want to pout.  Not publicly.  On the outside maybe I get a little quiet, maybe I get act a little frustrated.  But they cannot know how up and down my emotions are right now.  Lonely and bored, to craving, craving, craving.  Angry at the people that love me the most?  That's not right, and I'm not going to give into that.  I'm not going to show it.  I appreciate what they're doing for me, I really do.  I just wish I could show them how much I appreciate it.  I mean I try.  I always pick up after myself, I always do anything they ask of me, though this yard work thing kinda pisses me off.

I guess, no matter how hard I try, I will forever be the ungrateful teenage piece of shit that they still see me as.

Q7 - Sobriety Sucks

When do the cravings ever end?  Six days of sobriety and I'm bored and lonely and I'm afraid that I'm loosing the little bit of social skills that I acquired through years of intoxication.  I'm afraid to go out, I'm afraid to go back to Albany.  What if I go back and I find that it's not all that I've built it up to be.  It's only been five days since I've left, but it might as well be a lifetime.  I'm sure they've all but forgotten about me there.  What if I am all alone?

Oh and I still have money. Like over $80 and I have eight packs of cigarettes.  I tried gambeling $20 on Thursday and it just wasn't fun alone and sober.  So I sit around and I eat and I sleep and I read and I blog. And I smoke.  But smoking a pack a day is a lot of work.  You pretty much have to be smoking 1-2 an hour for every hour that you're awake and that's harder than you might think.

So yeah, sobriety sucks.  It's boring and lonely.  What more can I say?

Q5

So I have money and it's burning a hole in my pocket . . . I don't want to buy what I shouldn't buy, but I still want to go out and spend it.  I mean, what is money for if not to spend?  The urge to spend is slowly abating, but if I'm not spending all my money on one thing or another, then what the hell am I doing with my life?  I have no idea.  Blah.

Q6

Woke up and realized that I am 100% not intoxicated on anything . . . it's scary.  Sobriety sucks and I'm still feeling anxiety.  I mean I still have a significant amount of money in my pocket and I realize that it's not the intoxication that I miss, I miss people.  I'm lonely!

So many of the people that were huge parts of my life less than a week ago are now ignoring me.  My "best friend" was just using me as a free babysitter.  My other friends were just using me for free stuff of one kind or another.  Still, I'd rather have all my fake friends back, instead of sitting here all alone trying to figure out who was a real friend and who wasn't.  What if at the end of this journey, I find out that I really did have no friends, and that the only reason people hung out with me was because I gave them stuff?  Talk about a fear that's right up there with dying.

Q4

I'm going to have money tomorrow . . . I didn't want to have money tomorrow.  It's been four days without and I've done that before. Tomorrow will be the test, I'm going to have some money and I'm going to be hanging out with a friend and I'm going to be trying so hard not to go buy something.  What if I fail?  I probably am going to fail.  I'm afraid.  The ONLY reason I moved here is so I would be away from everything,  So here I sit, probably gonna fail tomorrow, but I'm gonna try and do my best and that's all I can do.  Please God, give me the strength to say no tomorrow.  I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.

Q4

Last night I was called by one of my old friends to see if my normal paynight routine was on and I had to tell him no.  That was hard.  It is so tempting to go back to the way things were.  But I said no.  That is all.

Q3

Today I have done nothing to feel guilty about.  I have not been intoxicated in any form in over 36 hour and I have done nothing mechanical in almost four days.  This week and next are going to be the easy parts, the hard part comes on the 2nd payday after I move here when I'll have money and nothing to do.  Still, that's a couple weeks away, for now I bask in virtue.

First day in Labanon, and I can't help but miss all those things about Albany that I was running away from.  Not just the mechanical stuff, but the idiot drunks that I woke up to every morning, the loud annoying neighbors, and I miss Suzan.  I didn't get to say goodbye to her before I left.  I'm sure she'll barely even notice that I'm gone, except for the free babysitter part.  But I know she was never going to be my Happily Ever After, but it was nice having a someone to talk to when I felt down, someone just to hang out with when I was bored, someone who trusted me with her deepest secrets and her most precious possessions.  Just her being in my life made it a little bit better.  And now, she's gone.  Along with so much of the rest of the mindless crap that made my day tolerable and my life my own.  And it's all my fault.  I decided that I wasn't strong enough to "Just Say No".  So I had to leave. I had to run away from my problems the first chance I got.  I sad.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Oh and for now: Q2.

Just a quick observation.  I'm in the middle of a family BBQ, sitting in the computer room all alone wandering the Internet and one of the dogs (there are four here) comes up to me and wants me to pet it, then when I stop it's still laying here.  This dog would rather spend time with me than go play with her friends, touching.

Wow today was interesting, last night I Meant to be responsible. I Meant to be a good boy and eat and have a goodnight sleep before I went off to my first day at work. All I wanted was some "maintenance", just do a couple things to make the world a little better and then go off to nighty night land. . . and then it didn't happen. After fixing one issue, I went onto another and another and before I knew I had to take all of the credit fixing things instead of spreading the glory around to my very capable and gerous friends. So after getting way greedy with the "credit" and loosing some parters in the shop, I end up staying up until three in the morning obsessing over the fact that I have to work tomorrow and all I can think about is how much time I spent trying to work on an issue . . . the point is, I ended up staying up all night obsessing over things that while relivent, did not make me a better new worker boy. . .

So I flipped. I tried and I tried to sleep and concentrate on the task at hand and getting some sleep, the harder I tried, the less effective I became. So there I am, it's six thirty in the morning, the sun is up and I'm in the shower still trying to stop obessing over the irrelivent, so I try some more and an hour before I have to go to work I'm at my nieghbor's house asking if my mind is so far on mechanics that everyone at the new job will notice that my mind just isn't it. If they know that my mind isn't it, then why bother to show up in the first place. . . I mean, rather be fired for not showing up than to be fired for being too preoccupied.

So I go. I fought and then I went. I'm there. First, I'm in a new environment, a place that I've never been before with thousands and thousands of strangers crowding all around me and I'm late! I don't want to late for my first day. If I'm late, why bother showing up . . . see, it was an out. But I did show up. And I'm set in a non-speicific place, doing a non-specific task, with not enough information. Litterally, I was placed on a line and told to keep people from cutting through the flag. I wasn't told what to say or exactly what to do, or where to stand or how to stand. And I was stuck in a the middle of 40,000 people people as they ALL filed past me. Wow, I felt like a tweeked out retard splayed out for all the world to gape at and comment on. . . and then after the worst of it, and a break and a big bottle of much needed water, I slowly start to realize that this is not much different from the rest of my jobs.

It's all trouble shooting (like when I stood infront of a broken bottle telling people to watch out for the glass) or customer service, like when I was asked by the VIP lady where the shuttle was and I bullshitted and answer, and then there was passing the buck. When I didn't know, I pointed them in a vague direction for someone that did have the answer. Just like call center work (and some variation of that will be my facebook status). So I got a compliment from my supervisor, and I figured out a job while facing my fears and I stood in the hot sun for five, long brutal hours. So in short, I feel accomplished. Still I feel bad for being greedy before, but that still be old Manni popping up his head, though I kinda don't think so. And now I'm tired and it's time to sleep.

So six more days until I give up my life in Albany and move to Lebanon to help my parents out with the bills. At 26, this is undeniably a step backwards, but sometimes in life you have to go back before you go forward. I'm not sure what else to write about this, it's all been written in my temporary paper blog . . . just that's what's up in my life right now.

So I've decided to keep a hard copy blog, as in a journal . . . just in case this fizzles into nothing, I have a record of my true decent to madness . . . I know this can't last forever, but the paper will last for a little longer . . . blah, no good at writing today, I'm gonna go back to bed and wake up tomorrow in a better mood . . . or maybe not, lol

August 7, 2011

Claude,

This letter is to inform you that I intend to vacate the premises located at ************ in Albany, Oregon on or before Tuesday September 6, 2011.

For the 6 days that I will be residing in your residence in September I will pay ______. To be paid in full no later than September 1, 2011.

On a personal note, thank you for being such a great landlord. You've made my stay here a very pleasant one and I want you to be assured that my decision to leave has nothing to do with you or anything you have done. This decision was made based on the fact that my family needs my help right now and that really I need theirs.

Thank you again for all that you have done.

Sincerly,

Jason W. Feller

This is a letter to the me that I will be on Thursday when I get my paycheck in my hand.



Jason,


I'm asking you please, don't buy a bag today. Don't do it anymore. If you make this one decision right now, then Fifty Year Old You you look back and thank you. More than thank you. They will look back at this moment and realize that this is when YOU took control. This is when YOU said no. This is the exact moment when YOU decided that YOU ARE BETTER THAN ANY DRUG.



Don't do it because you'll loose Suzan if you don't. Don't do it because your family is disowning you member by member and that if something doesn't change soon then you're going to loose them all. Don't even do it because if you do not quit right now, then you will end up like so much of the scruff in this neighborhood: drunk, alone and quietly miserable. Do it for you Do it because if you do, you could have your success. You could have your wife, your kids, your good job in a good office, making good money and making sure the next generation is a little bit better than this one. That is your dream right now, do it.



I know it will be hard. I know that at this point, quitting will be the furthest thing from your mind. I know that craving, but you know where it leads and it NEVER leads anywhere good, so don't give in this time. Just make the decision for this instant not to buy a bag. I know you probably have a hundred bucks in your pocket right now and you can't want to go out and spend it and that one way or another you'll be near broke by the end of the night. But make this decision this instant and reread this sentence and make it again and again until you've decided not to do it today.



You can do it, I know you can. I love you and I have faith that you will make the right decision.

Actually, I don't. I have no faith in you right now. I know that you'll give in and smoke. I know you as well as you know you and you're gonna give in. Somebody's going to offer something and before you know it, you'll be high and hearing voices behind every closed door. I don't know why we do it, but it's inevitable. So enjoy your high and read this again next week and maybe you'll get something more out of it. Remember that every puff you take takes you further away from Suzan, G'Ally, and every hope of Happily Ever After. If you remember that, then maybe the next time you read this letter, the next time you have any extra money then you won't.

Yours Cynically,

Oblivion's Abyss

I feel that I need to write right now . . . and then again, maybe I don't.

Blah, what to do tomorrow. Once all the money is spent and all is said and done, what do I do? Why does every pay day have to be a party? And it can't not be, I owe too many people and I might as well get some fun out of it. But I can see what will happen, at 3 or 4 this morning, all will be said and done and I will be sitting in the living room playing solitair worried that these people who have already spent most of the past 48 hours around me are getting sick of me. In fact, I'm already worried that people are getting sick of me. So it's time to find something to do. I know that around 9 tonight, hopefully I will get to babysit. At least it will give me an excuse to get out of the house. I stuck around all day in the hope that I would be able to sell a car and make a few bucks. Now with the prospect of money flooding my system in about 9 hours, I'm already bored. But let's look at this rationally. What will I do tomorrow? I can do anything tomorrow, what will I do? What do I want to do? The first thing is obvious, then maybe have a few beers, then go play some video poker when the sun rises. Routine, right? Then I'll be faced with the day and what shal I do? Find somebody to hang out with. I'm sure Tawnia will be around and we can go find some adventure. So there, that's what I'll do. I'll find Tawnia and we'll go find some adventure. And if I'm left alone, I'll go find my own adventure. See, nothing to really worry about there. Except what to do with the next 9 hours. I could and probably should take a nap. I know I'm gonna try to do that around dark. So there's one piece of the puzzle. I'm going to take a nap around 10 or 11. At least until 2:00 or so. So that leaves me around 5 hours to kill. What will I do with my time? Probably attempt to find some money to burn, literally. I really want a beer right now, and some stuff. And I know of maybe one more source that I can tap for $20 or so. And I just can't bring myself to do it. No matter how much I want it, I can't do it. So for now, I wander.

I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely right now like I want somebody to make me feel better. I know it's the chemicals leaving my body. I have to be careful not to be unnaturally needy and push away my friends that may normally have cared.

Ah, a blank page. An invitation to spill my soul yet again to the universe. Right now, for the first time in a while I come here not to lament about my family, but to talk about my 'best friend'. I've only known a little more than a year now. Like most of my female friends, she started as a crush. Then I told her about it and she said we could be really good friends, but nothing more. I'm sure I've written this story before.

So last night after a period of staleness in our friendship caused by something that was neither of our faults, I went over there and babysat for her. Nothing new or exciting about that. But she was only gone for an hour or so and I stuck around to finish the movie I started. "Hitch" if you're curious. But she came back from the bar, where she went to see her new interest. And she comes back and tells me how wonderful this new guy is, etc. She says she can spend a night with him just kissing and how she just loves to be around him. Great, I'm happy for her, etc. Or so I tell her, and we both almost believe it. We both know that it breaks my heart every time she talks about the new guy.

Maybe she doesn't know quite how hard it is for me every time she goes from miserably single to happily un-single. Maybe she doesn't know quite how much I long for that one kiss that will tell us if we're meant to be. Maybe she doesn't want to know. Or maybe she does know and it breaks her heart a little bit every time she has to be my friend instead of my lover. Not that I would want it most of the time. Most of the time, I'm happy to be her best friend. Most of the time I'm happy that I have that much more love in my life just because she's in it. Most of the time I'm happy to be the constant male figure in her kids life when so many come and go.

Except last night, I wasn't. And I'm sure tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day I'll be happy to be Happily-Ever-After-Sans-Sex. Last night I wasn't. Not the sex part. I may be turning into that asexual person that I wanted to avoid. I saw her in her bra yesterday and I almost didn't flinch. I almost didn't notice her low cut shirt and dancer's body. I almost didn't long.

But I did, and my veil of self delusion was parted for a while. And I faked it. I faked being happy for the fact that she may have found another guy of her dreams. And we both almost believed it.

But I have a confession. The reason I wasn't happy for her isn't because I want anything than the beautiful friendship that we have (well except for the kiss). The reason I wasn't happy or her is because I can't stand to see her hurt again. Every time she breaks up with a guy (and there's been five or six since I've known her) she cries, and angels shouldn't cry. I know she isn't perfect, nobody is. I know she's bitchy and needy and just too blunt sometimes, but she's good. She's a rare example of pure good in this world. She's never selfish, except maybe in holding onto our friendship when it sometimes it's obvious to both of us that it isn't good anymore.

But she's the best friend I've ever had (and I know I don't fill that same role with her, but that's okay too). There's nothing that makes me happier than a good morning text from her, which she's done every morning for the past year practically. Sometimes it wakes up from a hung over stooper, but there's no one I'd rather wake up to.

Funny, that last paragraph was supposed to be the reasons why we can only be friends. The only reason we can't be friends: I don't want to get hurt, she doesn't want to hurt me, I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't want to be hurt.

Or maybe it's more simple than that. Maybe it comes down to her being the hottie with the dancer's body and the smile that has captured many a man's soul, and I'm the fat kid with the big heart that learns to be the best friend so he isn't alone, but will never be good enough for Happily Ever After.

So much for "Hitch". I guess the fat boy only gets the girl in movies. Maybe I should stop living in fairy tails.

I killed the family tonight. This family has been dieing for a long time, but today I killed it for good. Family has always been such a huge part of my life, one of the primary virtues that I look at in myself that makes me, me. And I killed it. I don't know what came over me, but I was having a great day with my family. Parade, BBQ, birthday party, all so much fun. And then because my uncle made comments about me that struck too close to home and because my grandmother defended me, I lashed out at him. When it was all done, I went outside, screamed "What did you do to turn your son into a Chi-Mo?" And the fight was on. He got into my face, looked like he was gonna hit me. His wife got into my face. My little sister started crying I asked her "why the fuck are you crying?" My step-dad got into it, even though I tried today to kiss his ass. I tried today to kiss everyone's ass. I kept it in all day long, and it wasn't good enough. I don't know where it came from, I don't know how to fix it. It was all going so good, until I was sitting at the computer and something possessed me to go out there and start the fight that ended the family. I have no idea where it came from. And now, the family is dead and it's my fault. There will be no more BBQ's, no more birthday parties, no more anything. I told my uncle that I hope he fucking dies when he goes into back surgery later this month. What if he does? What if he goes into that surgery and he dies and we haven't made up? What if I never talk to my sisters again? You know, he said, "Why don't you do us all a favor and go kill yourself." What if I do? Then I win. That's all it would take to win this. Yeah, it'd be selfish and it would hurt my little sister forever, but maybe it will turn her into a better person in the long run. I know me being in her life as I am, isn't making it any better. I know me being part of this family right now, isn't making the family any better.

At what point in life do stop waiting to live and start waiting to die? At this point, I'm just waiting for it to all end. In the mean time, I'll take what pleasure I can get out of life.

When did holding hands with a girl stop giving me butterflies? When did a kiss become just a kiss? This isn't because of anything that happened, more it has to do with an episode of That 70's Show when Fez holds the hand of a pretty girl and that's all there is. I remember that walk with Ashley all those years ago. All the way from Lebanon to Waterloo and I held her hand it that was simply the most romantic and perfect night of my life. I was 18! I kept my innocence longer than most. Then, last year, my friends told me my innocence is part of my appeal. So what do I do? I lost it as quickly as I could. I miss the old me.

God, please, please, please for the sake of my mother on mother's day, grant me the strength to survive my family.

God help me please. I'm in a hostile environment with no allies. I can't get away. There's no escape. I have to tolerate it. I promise I won't be here again. I'm done with my family. I'm done with it all. A Step Towards Oblivion, let's talk about a step towards oblivion. It's been a long time since I've been this close to suicide. I really just want it to end. Yeah, I could pull myself out of this, but I don't want to put in the effort. God help me please. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to live. I really don't want to live. There's nobody on my side anymore. That's okay. This won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Tonight, I compose my final goodbye and if it still seems like there's no escape, no alternative. If tomorrow isn't any better, then fuck it. Let's end it. I don't want it. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I just want to end it. It has to end somewhere. I'm never going to get happily ever after. There's no such thing. How long have people been telling me that. I don't deserve a family. Why would I want to pass on my wisdom to the next generation. There's nothing to pass on except for cynicism and pain. Nobody likes me, nobody loves me. Those who think they love me, don't know the real me. That's okay, on Wednesday, I can take my car to a secluded spot, hopefully somewhere with a view of the sunset, tape a hose to my exhaust, put the other end through my window, then tape up the window. Turn on the car and bam, a few minutes, a few hours later, and goodbye. It's that simple. The question is, who would stop me? Sometimes I wish I was crazy enough to be put in an institution. I know if I actually tried this (and I so want to) I would get put away. Hopefully I end it. I fall asleep and never wake up, and fuck the world.

Does nobody appreciate my issue with life? Does nobody grasp how life altering a single night can be? I know it's common, Charlie Sheen tells me one night stands are the norm, but you would think my friends would have something nice to say to make me feel all better . . . but now, I'm ignored, I cry alone . . . and I'm mocked even by those who are supposed to care. Whatever, in the end, like always, I sleep alone. I am alone. Forever.

I have come to the conclusion that you should never have sex without a relationship, nor the other way around. It was a fun night, it was passionate. But 2 days later, I'm left thinking that I want that passion again. I don't really care if we'd actually get along outside of intoxication . . . so maybe what I'm looking for is a fuck buddy? Imagine Z with sex but no relationship, and still keeping the most amazing friendship I've ever had. Of course, I'm about to loose that friendship. I miss her too much. I'm jealous of her boyfriend because he's taking all her time. She doesn't come to me at all for anything. When I try to go to her she's just not there like I want her to be. Same with S. She's got a new boyfriend too *rolls eyes*. Of course this one is just another douche that's being used for something or another. She needs to get laid and he has a car. Obviously I don't think that much of S. Oh and M, M, M. What can I say about M. Just that she's out of my life. She was fun while it lasted, I loved her in my own way. But how can you not but love your first? And now she's gone. For what it's worth (cause I know you still read this M) I shed my own tear or two over her. She'll say it's my fault, but she's the only female that I can stand up to. She hurt me first, I hurt her back. Since she drew first blood, she can apologize first, then I will, and it will go back to being better than ever. If nothing else, at least she learned not to hurt me like that, because I will hurt back and I will hurt worse. And to the random reader: this is nothing physical. This is merely two ex-lovers squabbling until they both realize that they're each other's only path to Happily Ever After. So there it is world: My First One Night Stand All my friends have boyfriends and I miss them And M. Ex-lovers, future Happily Ever After. Oh and of course, I'm still unemployed, but I'm getting a car soon. Throw in some novels (Memoirs of a Geisha was worth reading, so was The Poisonwood Bible) and you have my life as of Early April, 2011. I wonder what next year will bring.

God, I'm so lonely and I'm doing such a good job of covering up that I don't realize it until I see some random couple on reality TV and I start crying. What that means is that I cannot trust myself around real couples. I'll try to fake it, and I'll probably keep from bursting into tears and moping, but I won't be able to enjoy it. I'll plaster on a fake smile and make the barest of small talk. What they won't realize when they see the sadness in my eyes is that I'm not jealous of either of them specifically. For example, when Z has her new boyfriend, I'm not jealous of her because I don't have her, I'm jealous because she never seems to have any trouble finding anybody. Nobody seems to have any trouble finding anybody. And I do.

So Z just told me they missed me and I know I'm looking way too far into it, but wow it brought tears to my eyes. Not that I would ever tell them what it meant, but still it's amazing to be loved in life :)

So I've spent today redoing my Plenty of Fish profile and it looks as good as it's gonna get. The only trouble is, as I'm going through all they girls' profiles, even being picky, I just see disappointment. So maybe I'm not quite ready for the relationship that I think I am. Maybe I should be happy with the amazing friends that I have. Because it'd be a lot easier than going through the whole bull shit relationship thing again only to end up sitting here crying my eyes out to nobody and everybody. I don't want to do this again. But, I do want to do this again. I want it bad, your bad romance . . .

So after a brief singing interlude, all better :)

So Lonely! I can't believe that I'm still writing about the same shit that I've been writing about since high school, but OMG, I just can't get over it. But that's just the reason that got me here today. What I really need to talk about is Z. Well I guess it's a who and not a what, and for now Z will just be Z. Besides a really annoying letter to type, Z is my best friend.

She's taught me the depths of friendship, the limitless nature of platonic love, and most importantly, no matter how much I sometimes want that line between platonic and passionate love to blur, it can never be. I wish there was more to say, there is a lot more to say. I love her, I Love her, I LOVE her. She's my most important friend in the world, maybe because I like to think that I'm her most important friend in the world. I don't know what I want or need from her. I don't know what she wants or needs from me. I just know that I can be there for her when she needs me as much as she needs me to be. I know that I'm learning the next lesson in friendship from her that Shane and Opal started back in Job Corps. I know that she's beautiful, and smart and sweet and an amazing friend, and that I would do anything from her and not expect a single thing in return. I know that unlike almost anyone else, she will never use me. Blah, I CAN'T PUT THIS INTO WORDS!!!!

This is so frustrating! This is where I go to make sense of everything, and I can't. I'm a failure as a writer and as a friend. Maybe this is finally the end?

Jamie, are you okay??????

Just read about the earthquakes in New Zealand and my favorite commentor is from New Zealand, so do me a favor and tell me you're okay when you get a chance :)

So I know this blog will be really famous after I die. It's the middle of the night and I wasn't thinking about suicide, but Post Secret put in on my mind. And I admit, I'm morbid, I've read some suicide notes online and they're so uninspired. When I write mine, it's going to be the best piece of writing that I'll ever do. It will make me famous and it won't matter because I'm dead, but isn't that the entire point of writing here, so there's some record of me after I die. Isn't that the reason that slowly over the past 6 years or so I've been able to . . . never mind.

I can't go on that subject between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, especially a Saturday night. Since I don't exactly have religion, I have spirituality and superstition. And I don't know what it is about being at my grandparents place, but it seems like the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead is thinner here than it is elsewhere. I mean, it's down right creepy. There are always things out of the corner of my here that I don't get at home, and weird noises, nothing overt, but god that mirror across from my bed here. . . scary. So I don't think I'll be talking about death quite yet.

So what do I want to write about then? I don't know, I just want to write. I want to create something. But not right now, because it really is 3:40 in the morning and nothing I write will be all that comprehensible.

At this moment I do not hate, I do not fear, I am alive.

Is my blog dying? I hope not. Too many tears have been shed at too many computers for this to fizzle out. So much of what makes me, me is here. It's what's kept me writing since high school. And you know what, way too many of my posts here have been about blogs. So I'm gonna do a quick three minute free write about anything other than this blog.

Update . . . I'm now living with stable roommates in a not quite healthy environment where alcoholism socially acceptable and the dreaded "white dope" is everywhere. Not that I would ever partake in the latter, but most days, I'm drinking well before noon. I know what everyone will say. You're an alcoholic. All I have to say to you is . . . DUH! Of course I'm an alcoholic. But considering everything else that I could be, isn't alcoholic fairly mild. I mean if it was good enough for my father, it should be good enough for me. Maybe the reason I'm drawn so much towards alcohol is because that's a small connection to my father. Which considering I never met the guy, I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about him.

So now I'm going to attempt to find an interesting way to end this post. Fine then, I'll just end it how I want to end it. With something so important that it deserves it's own line.

I still miss Signal and I hate, I Hate, I HATE Kandi and Thor (previously known as KT).

So it's been a while and life's been . . . well life. A new girl, a new obsession, another chance at utter and complete failure. Friends are still being friends, and I really do have amazing friends, but sometimes I can't be the friend that I want to be because I want so much more from the relationship. Alas, thanks to friends, I now know that I can't really change those feelings, but I need to try. Oh, and I'm unemployed again and succumbing, not so slowly to alcoholism. What's funny is that I'm more concerned about the girl situation than I am about my own. Actually, that's not really funny, it's probably pretty unhealthy. I mean, I'm sitting here at the unemployment office, I've filled out a grand total of one application this week and I'm still thinking about Sarah? *sigh*