My horoscope says I should feel confident today and try something I've never tried before, take a leadership role or something, but today I'm feeling particularly un-confident, well maybe not, when I'm the center of my own universe, it gets lonely. In other news that I'm not going to write about, more family drama that somehow, some way I get dragged into no matter how hard I try to stay out of it. Of course it doesn't help when some of my family arbitrarily throws my head on the block for not good reason. I guess you can't expect the dull light in box to cast the whitest light. Not that I'm not guilty of it myself. I'm the first person to cast the stone at somebody else when, the stoners are aiming at me.
Speaking of stoners, I had a dream. We were at suzie's wedding, which hasn't taken place. But we're at spirit mountain, or some casino, or possibly on the way to California. Maybe, I'm just not sure, but some hotel. It's me and my uncle, and my mother, and other people that I can't remember. And all I remember is picking up a pack of Winstons, and for some reason there's a half a special cigarette in there. The rest of the dream is like a cartoon, running around aimlessly trying to get rid of it, and then it goes missing, and we're all running around this abandoned hotel/casino. Like that scene in The Stand, where Flagg gets pissed in the casino and chips go everywhere, people die and all that fun stuff. Ha ha, the dream was like my favorite movies all mixed together and puked out with the turmoil of my life.
See this wasn't the emotional screaming that my Blog usually is, as I said, the integrity has been compromised by professional involvement.
December 30, 2005
December 27, 2005
I AM SO PISSED OFF!!! SO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I'M AT MY GRANDPARRENTS, AND SOME COMPANY CALLS AND SUCKERS ME INTO CREDIT REPORTS OR SOMETHING, THEY SAY THEY'RE CAPITOL ONE, SO I CALL CAPITOL ONE TO CANCLE THAT NIGHT! AND IT STILL SHOWS UP ON MY STATEMENT!!! THIS PISSES ME OFF SOOOO BADLY! HOW DARE THEY, I KNOW IT'S ONLY $6, BUT NOW I'M PISSED. AS SOON AS I GET OFF, I'M GOING TO CALL CAPITOL ONE AND YELL AT SOMEBODY! I DON'T CARE WHO, BUT THEY'RE GOING TO CANCLE THAT!!! I SWEAR TO GOD IF THEY DON'T I'M CANCELING MY CREDIT CARD AND THEY CAN GO TO HELL!!!!
So the anonymity, and integrity of this blog has been compromised. No longer will I be able to express the raw emotion that has so nobly led me to who I am today. This blog will now be but a subdued shell of it's self. This blog will now be a bland and exceedingly tasteful log of the day to day events the comprise my life. For what's it's worth I will have a more raw and emotional blog at a later time, but for now, this blog is just will suffer.
December 25, 2005
WHY AM I STUCK HERE ON CHRISTMAS TEACHING STUPID PEOPLE TO PROGRAM THEIR TV'S? WHERE DO THE EXPECT MY HOLLIDAY SPIRIT TO BE? DO THEY REALLY WANT ME TO SMILE AND PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE? WHERE IS MY GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN? THE FIRST PERSON I TALKED TO TODAY KILLED IT WHEN THEY MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M NOT AT HOME WITH FAMILY GORGING MYSELF ON FOOD AND SMOKING WAY TOO MUCH, ARGUING WITH EVERYONE, AND ENJOYING MYSELF. INSTEAD, I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND TELL STUPID PEOPLE HOW TO HOOK UP THEIR GOD DAMNED TV'S!!!! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, MY CHRISTMAS DINNER IS GOING TO BE F#$%^&G POP TARTS!! JESUS CHRIST CAN KISS MY ASS!
MERRY F#$%^&N CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
MERRY F#$%^&N CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
December 19, 2005
Divine Obscurity!
I know there are people that aren't quite comfortable with this phrase. To use a godly connotation on something as unholy as being alone, doesn't quite click with some people. So let me explain.
Divine: universally accept. Accepted by the universe as being good and right! There is nobody that can tell you "no." Because the UNIVERSE it's self has accepted you! THE UNIVERSE IT'S SELF!! As it nobody can tell you you're lower than what you think you are. Divine doesn't mean better, it means more than.
I know there are people that aren't quite comfortable with this phrase. To use a godly connotation on something as unholy as being alone, doesn't quite click with some people. So let me explain.
Divine: universally accept. Accepted by the universe as being good and right! There is nobody that can tell you "no." Because the UNIVERSE it's self has accepted you! THE UNIVERSE IT'S SELF!! As it nobody can tell you you're lower than what you think you are. Divine doesn't mean better, it means more than.
Obscurity: existing, but not quite. Living, but barely. Kind of like Stephen King's low men in yellow coats. So flashy and vain, but at the edge of reality. The center of your own existence, but not registering to anybody else. Holy, hedonistic bliss, and nobody cares!
THAT is the point of divine obscurity. Existing for the purpose of pleasure, and nobody notices!
December 15, 2005
Should material goods really make me this happy?
Am I really so vain that material goods can make me feel happier than I've felt is months? Has my long and arguous search for happiness been unnecisarily drawn out? Can this emptiness that I've fought to fill for so long really be filled by "stuff." The short answer is: yes!
I've been poor too long not to thuroughly enjoy my neat stuff. Namely: POS computer and my amazing internet connection.
So here's the thing, I've been writing half posts all week, so right now I'm publishing as, so who cares, except that this is published, and it won't lay dead forever as a draft!
December 11, 2005
December 09, 2005
So much to talk about . . . . .
So here's a list, then we'll see, what I get around to.
1. I got a new computer, kinda slow, but DSL is on it's way
2. Work
3. Disneyland!
4. Secret Santa
5. The Chronicles of Narnia
6. The rumor mills a spinning
So let's start with # 6, because that's what's on my mind. I heard a familial rumor about something that I shan't talk about for fear of repercussions. But ooh, is it a doozy. I'm not one to gossip, but this one I can barely keep to myself. I guess I've been corrupted, ahh! If this was a bit more anonymous than it is, than I would be ranting and raving about this particular issue until . . . Until I was done, lol.
So onward and upward to number 5. The Chronicles of Narnia, I just got a paperback copy of the entire Chronicles of Narnia from my secret Santa, which leads me to number 4: secret Santa. So I was cheap with my Secret Santa, $5 giftcard from Del Taco, but my Secret Santa was great, I got a four pack of Frappacinos and the Chronicles of Narnia :^]
And upward to DISNEY LAND! I'm going to Disney Lane in March! I can't wait, I'm applying for the vacation later this month, but I have to loose weight to fit on the rides ha ha. I've never been, and it's been too long since I've been out of Oregon (since July!) So as soon as I loose some weight and stop eating out, I'll starting saving major $$$ for D-Land.
So let's skip work, because work is just work though I'm now eligible for benefits, too bad I'm not eligible for vacation for ANOTHER three months, ugh!
And now, my new crappy computer. Almost the slowest POS I have ever been on, except for g-ma's POS, but I hope it's just because I have dial up on it, soon I'll have DSL, which I hope is faster than dial up, and slower than cable, it's costing me enough! $35 a month, ugh! But that's all for now.
So here's a list, then we'll see, what I get around to.
1. I got a new computer, kinda slow, but DSL is on it's way
2. Work
3. Disneyland!
4. Secret Santa
5. The Chronicles of Narnia
6. The rumor mills a spinning
So let's start with # 6, because that's what's on my mind. I heard a familial rumor about something that I shan't talk about for fear of repercussions. But ooh, is it a doozy. I'm not one to gossip, but this one I can barely keep to myself. I guess I've been corrupted, ahh! If this was a bit more anonymous than it is, than I would be ranting and raving about this particular issue until . . . Until I was done, lol.
So onward and upward to number 5. The Chronicles of Narnia, I just got a paperback copy of the entire Chronicles of Narnia from my secret Santa, which leads me to number 4: secret Santa. So I was cheap with my Secret Santa, $5 giftcard from Del Taco, but my Secret Santa was great, I got a four pack of Frappacinos and the Chronicles of Narnia :^]
And upward to DISNEY LAND! I'm going to Disney Lane in March! I can't wait, I'm applying for the vacation later this month, but I have to loose weight to fit on the rides ha ha. I've never been, and it's been too long since I've been out of Oregon (since July!) So as soon as I loose some weight and stop eating out, I'll starting saving major $$$ for D-Land.
So let's skip work, because work is just work though I'm now eligible for benefits, too bad I'm not eligible for vacation for ANOTHER three months, ugh!
And now, my new crappy computer. Almost the slowest POS I have ever been on, except for g-ma's POS, but I hope it's just because I have dial up on it, soon I'll have DSL, which I hope is faster than dial up, and slower than cable, it's costing me enough! $35 a month, ugh! But that's all for now.
December 02, 2005
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Review
(updated)
The first thing I have to consider when reviewing this movie, is whether or not to view it as a movie by it's self, or as an adaptation of the greatest children's book ever. I feel that it is impossible to consider the movie without comparing directly or indirectly to the book.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is by far the best movie of the series. Though in comparing it to the book is falls just a little short. There is so much that is good about this movie, I am reluctant to say that it is anything but perfect.
The movie opens with a chilling dream sequence, during which a muggle grounds keeper is struck dead with advera kadvera curse when he accidentally walks in on a meeting between he-who-must-not-be-named and the rat guy from the third movie. This is one of the most chilling scenes in a fantasy movie ever.
From there Harry is awoken by Hermione, now a striking young beauty, and is rushed to the Quittich World Cup. I have to admit, I was disappointed by QWC scene. The book takes 175 pages to describe and detail what the movie rushes through in 15 minutes. I can't really complain however, as the 175 page prologue was a bit long in the first place.
After the disappointing QWC, there is a fantastic scene where students from two wizard schools arrive at Hogwarts for no apparent reason. The school of French beauties arrives by a giant carriage drawn my flying horses. The Eastern European team arrives by a giant submersible boat, coming out of the depths of the big Lake. Such amazing scenes, not described in the book, I really liked the artistic liberties taken with this movie.
There is another captivating scene where the French school with beautiful girls come in like a professional dance team, swirling and dancing to fantastical music, overtly flirting with the Hogwarts guys as they come to the front of the great hall. Then comes the guys from eastern Europe, marching in like the Russian army only with rhythm and magic flame throwers.
The comes the big announcement: The Tri Wizard Tournament. A nasty little tradition where three wizards from rival schools participate in a series of wizard challenge. There is minimum age of 17 to enter the tournament, but of course this movie wouldn't be titled Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire if Harry didn't mysteriously get entered into the tournament.
What follows in the movie, is a visually stunning, if somewhat accelerated account of the tournament. Though I absolutely loved the tasks where Harry has to fight a dragon for a golden egg, and then fight mer-people to save his friend, the last task where they enter a maze to find the Tri Wizard Cup, was disappointing. This is where any artistic liberties, and time saving cuts from the book become pure and simple butchery. There really is no excuse for cutting the sphinxs from the maze. This was the best scene from any of the Harry Potter books, and to cut it, is really a shame. Now I realize that they needed to cut certain aspects of the book, but did the REALLY need to cut that? I think not.
So in the end: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is a above average movie, from a great book. With stunning visuals and a palatable plot, I would absolutely recommend this to anybody.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is by far the best movie of the series. Though in comparing it to the book is falls just a little short. There is so much that is good about this movie, I am reluctant to say that it is anything but perfect.
The movie opens with a chilling dream sequence, during which a muggle grounds keeper is struck dead with advera kadvera curse when he accidentally walks in on a meeting between he-who-must-not-be-named and the rat guy from the third movie. This is one of the most chilling scenes in a fantasy movie ever.
From there Harry is awoken by Hermione, now a striking young beauty, and is rushed to the Quittich World Cup. I have to admit, I was disappointed by QWC scene. The book takes 175 pages to describe and detail what the movie rushes through in 15 minutes. I can't really complain however, as the 175 page prologue was a bit long in the first place.
After the disappointing QWC, there is a fantastic scene where students from two wizard schools arrive at Hogwarts for no apparent reason. The school of French beauties arrives by a giant carriage drawn my flying horses. The Eastern European team arrives by a giant submersible boat, coming out of the depths of the big Lake. Such amazing scenes, not described in the book, I really liked the artistic liberties taken with this movie.
There is another captivating scene where the French school with beautiful girls come in like a professional dance team, swirling and dancing to fantastical music, overtly flirting with the Hogwarts guys as they come to the front of the great hall. Then comes the guys from eastern Europe, marching in like the Russian army only with rhythm and magic flame throwers.
The comes the big announcement: The Tri Wizard Tournament. A nasty little tradition where three wizards from rival schools participate in a series of wizard challenge. There is minimum age of 17 to enter the tournament, but of course this movie wouldn't be titled Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire if Harry didn't mysteriously get entered into the tournament.
What follows in the movie, is a visually stunning, if somewhat accelerated account of the tournament. Though I absolutely loved the tasks where Harry has to fight a dragon for a golden egg, and then fight mer-people to save his friend, the last task where they enter a maze to find the Tri Wizard Cup, was disappointing. This is where any artistic liberties, and time saving cuts from the book become pure and simple butchery. There really is no excuse for cutting the sphinxs from the maze. This was the best scene from any of the Harry Potter books, and to cut it, is really a shame. Now I realize that they needed to cut certain aspects of the book, but did the REALLY need to cut that? I think not.
So in the end: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is a above average movie, from a great book. With stunning visuals and a palatable plot, I would absolutely recommend this to anybody.
December 01, 2005
Bank Error in Your Favor Collect $50
Ha ha, finally, something goes good in life. They make a mistake on my check and it's an extra $50 for me. So I'm towards the end of my week of Hell, where I work 14 hour days every day except Sundays and keep my days off. My paycheck was $600, when usually it's $560 or so. I'm buying my computer on Saturday from some guy in Eugene, and I only have one more Hell day after today, though if I wake up any sicker than I am right now, I'm calling in sick, which would pretty much eliminate all of my previous OT. Any they put me on Exclusively Haier queue.
So let's explain the concept of the queue, For those of you who don't know, I work at a call center, answering phone calls all day long for various companies. There are two companies that I work for: Haier America and Petters Consumer Brand. They make different kinds of products, but that's beside the point. A call center works by taking incoming calls and assigning them to different reps, based on their order in the queue (or list.) So whenever you take a call you're placed on the bottom of the list. Now this is where it gets complicated. There are three lists: One list for Haier only, on list for Petters only, and one list for both. Most people being on both lists (or queues). So let's say a Petters Call comes in. The call first goes to the person at the top of Petters list, or if there is no one available on the Peters only queue, it is sent to the person on the top of the Both list. So today I'm the only person on the Haier only queue, all the Haier calls will come to me first! That means unless I am on a call, I will get every Haier call that comes in. Or, unless there are no haier calls coming in, I'm on a call!!
But it other, betters news, I'm getting my own computer on Saturday, so finally I'll be able to find the girl of my dreams, and find those ones that got away in high school, I'm so excited, lol :) More importantly, I'm getting my GGW video today (use your imagination on what ggw stands for, lol)
But it other, betters news, I'm getting my own computer on Saturday, so finally I'll be able to find the girl of my dreams, and find those ones that got away in high school, I'm so excited, lol :) More importantly, I'm getting my GGW video today (use your imagination on what ggw stands for, lol)
November 29, 2005
So I'm bored, I'm really bored, and I have a lot of energy even though I woke up at 4:45 this morning, and I've been at work since 5:50, and it's 12 right now, and I just now have less than 8 hours left in work, and I still have to come in on my day off tomorrow to do training. Suddenly I've lost my energy and enthusiasm that I had just a few minutes ago. So never mind, back to the boring and depressed, and mildly entertaining ha ha :)
So there is some news: a + b does not in fact = c, therefore, c - b doesn't not equal a. Or some other mindless rambling about nothing. So in some real news, who cares? I havn't had a response at this blog for weeks, so anybody who reads this can go to Hell!
So there is some news: a + b does not in fact = c, therefore, c - b doesn't not equal a. Or some other mindless rambling about nothing. So in some real news, who cares? I havn't had a response at this blog for weeks, so anybody who reads this can go to Hell!
November 25, 2005
Susie's getting married!
Can you believe it, our little susie's getting married! I'm so happy for her.
Growing up, it was always me, Sue and Christina. We were cousins and friends. Or maybe not, maybe I'm idealizing it. The point is: growing up, I always wondered what would happen when we were all grown up. And now it's happened. But as happy as I am for Sue, for some reason I'm confronting my own mortality. Something that seemed like it would never happen, has finally happened.
Not that I never thought Sue would get married, but when we were kids playing in grandma's huge back yard, playing with toys in the back of Grandpa's pickup on the way to adventures unknown, or (not so long ago) jumping around on rocks, by a roaring river trying not to kill our selves in the pursuit of adventure, being adults seemed like it would never happen. Back in the days when being a kid was just being a kid, there was no pressure to grow up, there was no reason to believe that the pure innocence would ever end. Now Sue's getting married, and any faint hopes of immortality die with Sue's marriage.
But Sue chose right, not that it's my place to judge, but it's my blog and I can do what I want. I know she'll be happy forever and I'm truly happy for her in a completely unselfish way that I've never really felt. Maybe my hedonistic, self centered personality is finally starting to clear, giving way to the person I truly am.
Or not?
November 17, 2005
So I have the opportunity to make an extra $350 after taxes, but I have to work 14 hour days for 5 days. I was going to write a big entry on whether I should or shouldn't. But before I thought about it, I decided it. It might make me hate my job, but when the pay check comes I'll love it. With 36.5 hours of OT on my check and an extra $350 in my pocket, then I'll smile. Besides, it's only 2 days in a row, then three days in a row. It's Friday and Saturday, then it's mon-tues, then it's thurs-sat. So Money in my pocket all for a few hours lost sleep, I'm happy :) I won't be happy in a week, but right now I'm happy :)
OMG today is without a doubt, the worst and most horribly disgusting day that I've had since I've been here. Customers are evil and I can't do anything right today. Oh I just need somebody to tell me that it will be okay. Maybe today is the day that my sub-conscience decides it doesn't want this job and, without realizing it, I ruin my life. The trouble is, I know that I'm ruining it. It could be just paranoia on having a few bad calls in a row. But right now it's just been the day from Hell. I hope with all that I have to hope with that today will get better. Please anybody who reads this, please give me a few words of encouragement. Thanks.
November 12, 2005
From 8th grade through high school I loathed conformity. I would do everything I could to be different. I almost feared it, but what I really feared was being hated for what I was rather than who I was. So instead of being myself, I created an image of myself that refused to accept the status quo. I didn't want to change it, I just didn't want to be a part of it.
November 11, 2005
Passion. Gregg had a great suggestion yesterday in that I should find a subject to be passionate about. The trouble with that is my interests are either so eclectic or so non-existent that it's hard for me to feel passion about anything. Plus I've had passion in my life before and it's always led to miserable failure.
For example: journalism. I was really passionate about writing during high school. But then an unfortunate incident involving herbs and an untrustworthy friend led to be being kicked out of journalism class unjustly.
Also that year I got into choir for the last semester of senior year, and I was really into that. I loved it, and I guess that didn't lead to disaster. It led to one great concert and I still remember as one of the best days of my life.
Then of course my herbal passion, which I never really gave up, just put on hold so I could become a cog in the corporate machine. Now there was a passion that I could thoroughly enjoy. Alas, the drink replaces the herb.
So now a brain storm on passion: wine tasting, sci-fi, fantasy, literature, blogging, writing, video games, cooking, fire fighting, blogging, chatting, TV, tech.
So none of those strike me as something to be passionate about. My real passion is distraction. Anything and everything to distract me from my own mortality and the futility of life.
For example: journalism. I was really passionate about writing during high school. But then an unfortunate incident involving herbs and an untrustworthy friend led to be being kicked out of journalism class unjustly.
Also that year I got into choir for the last semester of senior year, and I was really into that. I loved it, and I guess that didn't lead to disaster. It led to one great concert and I still remember as one of the best days of my life.
Then of course my herbal passion, which I never really gave up, just put on hold so I could become a cog in the corporate machine. Now there was a passion that I could thoroughly enjoy. Alas, the drink replaces the herb.
So now a brain storm on passion: wine tasting, sci-fi, fantasy, literature, blogging, writing, video games, cooking, fire fighting, blogging, chatting, TV, tech.
So none of those strike me as something to be passionate about. My real passion is distraction. Anything and everything to distract me from my own mortality and the futility of life.
November 10, 2005
So after five days of waiting for someone, anyone to respond to the epiphany that wasn't, I am now forced to concede that I do not really exist. I am just a wisp of imagination floating in somebody's dream. Until they decide what to do with me next, I will be but a dream within a dream. Is it too far fetched to believe that we are but a character in a book?
In the story that I now populate, I am not the main character, I am just a minor antagonists, with a sub-par intelligence and absolutely no personality. Now I'm in storage until that omnipresent author decides what to do with me. I can imagine what the line for the last 2 months of my life would be: "Jason spends the next 2 months in front of a computer making good money for the time being, but soon the futility of life crushes him into less than a shadow of what he use to be, but the proverbial shell without an oyster."
Ugh, I'm just not into writing right now, but I'm not depressed. Just bored. So for anybody who cares, I'm still alive and kicking at the door to Hell as always.
In the story that I now populate, I am not the main character, I am just a minor antagonists, with a sub-par intelligence and absolutely no personality. Now I'm in storage until that omnipresent author decides what to do with me. I can imagine what the line for the last 2 months of my life would be: "Jason spends the next 2 months in front of a computer making good money for the time being, but soon the futility of life crushes him into less than a shadow of what he use to be, but the proverbial shell without an oyster."
Ugh, I'm just not into writing right now, but I'm not depressed. Just bored. So for anybody who cares, I'm still alive and kicking at the door to Hell as always.
November 05, 2005
Read this: this is meaningful!!
I was sitting here reading, watching the live cast of the ducks game and just pretending to work when a picture of Melody popped into my head for no particular reason. I haven't pictured her in years. I haven't seen her since senior year of highschool. I realize that the mere thought of her still brings up all these extremely negative emotions.
They say you should face your fears, my fear is Melody. If the very thought of her can bring up such feelings of inadequacy, then it's time to deal with it. So I have to write down everything from top to bottom, bottom to top inside and out, and yet I'm afraid. I made all the mistakes there are to make with girls with her, and until I deal with them I may never have a relationship.
And THAT is epiphany of the day: Until I deal with all the emotions that Meldoy still brings up in me, I will never, never, loose my purity, have a meaningful relationship or ever end the eternal loneliness. The fear that I feel whenever someone gets close to me is directly related to that series of events.
Unfortunately, I'm too afraid to deal with these emotions. These emotions are best left buried where they can never surface and quietly ruin my life one emotion at a time.
It is so bitterly, grossly, ungodly cold out today, but it's not icey. I was outside 10 minutes ago and my hands are still cold! So anyway, I have soo much to talk about today. All boring and arbitrary things, but here it goes.
1st: I get to babysit my 2 y/o cousin tonight. He's the Brat from Hell, but he's so cute. Plus it gives me an excuse to watch cartoons, eat pizza and ice cream, and feed the kid plenty of mountain dew. Also, it makes me go shopping, which I've been putting off for weeks. And I have to clean, which again I've been putting off for weeks.
2nd: I tried a clove cigarette for the first time today, and it sucked horribly. It was like smoking an incense and just as harsh. But it smells really good, so maybe.
3rd: I think I left my door unlocked today and it's bugging the hell out of me. By the time I noticed I was half way to work and running a little late.
4th: The Ducks play today for the first time without their star QB who was fractured his ankle last week. But I had a dream last night that the Ducks play better than they've played all season and win by a huge margin.
So is that it, is that what I consider so muck going on in life? Has my life gotten so routine and monotonous that more than one break in routine a day causes me to feel overwhelmed?
1st: I get to babysit my 2 y/o cousin tonight. He's the Brat from Hell, but he's so cute. Plus it gives me an excuse to watch cartoons, eat pizza and ice cream, and feed the kid plenty of mountain dew. Also, it makes me go shopping, which I've been putting off for weeks. And I have to clean, which again I've been putting off for weeks.
2nd: I tried a clove cigarette for the first time today, and it sucked horribly. It was like smoking an incense and just as harsh. But it smells really good, so maybe.
3rd: I think I left my door unlocked today and it's bugging the hell out of me. By the time I noticed I was half way to work and running a little late.
4th: The Ducks play today for the first time without their star QB who was fractured his ankle last week. But I had a dream last night that the Ducks play better than they've played all season and win by a huge margin.
So is that it, is that what I consider so muck going on in life? Has my life gotten so routine and monotonous that more than one break in routine a day causes me to feel overwhelmed?
November 03, 2005
So I'm bored and at work, I don't know if I should go shopping at safeway where for $10 I might have food for a week, or just hit burger king on the way home. I think the latter because I don't want to deal with people. Plus it's a longer walk. Just a brain storm on on a shopping list:
eggs
milk
hamburger
chicken
mac and cheese
donuts
egg nog
cheese
soup
cheese soup
Maybe I'll just get burger king tonight, then I'll cook a big pot of soup on Saturday. Hmmm, I want cheeseburger soup. I don't feel like cooking, and buying like $10 worth of stuff. Let's think of what I'll need. Chicken bullion, potatoes, hamburger, cheese, celery, carrots. Hmm, nah. BK it is. Thanks for the input, but somehow spending $7 or so on food for one night seems easier.
eggs
milk
hamburger
chicken
mac and cheese
donuts
egg nog
cheese
soup
cheese soup
Maybe I'll just get burger king tonight, then I'll cook a big pot of soup on Saturday. Hmmm, I want cheeseburger soup. I don't feel like cooking, and buying like $10 worth of stuff. Let's think of what I'll need. Chicken bullion, potatoes, hamburger, cheese, celery, carrots. Hmm, nah. BK it is. Thanks for the input, but somehow spending $7 or so on food for one night seems easier.
November 01, 2005
Can you believe Bush today? This guy is Fighting the flu. It's the flu people. It's not some scary bad guy with a towel on his head. The flu will not blow up buildings. It's a goddamned cold! So let the shrub have his war on flues. Wouldn't it be hilarious to see New York quarantined, lol. It would be like a cheap disaster novel. Call me sadistic or naive, but to see Bush out there in a quarantine suit giving a speech from the middle of Times Square would be even more funny than seeing him jump out of the back seat of a jet on an aircraft carrier.
Yeah I know, that was incredibly disrespectful to troops, America, the President, etc., et. Al. And to those that I offend, I'm truly almost sorry. I'm not sorry for what I said, but sorry that you've been so indoctrinated by the dogma that the Republicans stuff down your throat like so much BS.
In other news, I finished the shadow of the Hegemon. Now it's onto shadow Puppets. For those of you that haven't read the Ender series: go to Hell. Because now I'm going into critiques that you'd have to be in the know to understand. The books were written in the following order:
Enders Game
Speak for the Dead
Xenocide
Children of the Mind
Enders shadow
shadow of the Hegemon
shadow Puppets
shadow of the Giants
Though they were written in that order, Enders Game and Enders shadow stand on their own. You could read either of these without reading any of the others. But I think you would find the most enjoyment from this series by reading Ender's Game then Ender's shadow.
Then decide which character you like better. If you like the bold leader with a weak but intelligent core the go with Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide and Children of the Mind, which is about Ender's quest to save an entire alien species. This series is not bad, and I ate this series up in three weeks or so at Job Corps.
For those who liked Bean (Enders best friend) There's the shadow series. Shadow of the Hegemon, shadow Puppets and shadow of the Giants, these books are completely different from the Ender series. From what I've read in shadow of the Hegemon, which I just finished, these books are about Ender's brother uniting the world under his power. Personally, I like Peter. His quest for power is all for a good cause, and so far he hasn't killed anyone with his own hands.
So enough of that, this post is getting extremely long. More later.
Yeah I know, that was incredibly disrespectful to troops, America, the President, etc., et. Al. And to those that I offend, I'm truly almost sorry. I'm not sorry for what I said, but sorry that you've been so indoctrinated by the dogma that the Republicans stuff down your throat like so much BS.
In other news, I finished the shadow of the Hegemon. Now it's onto shadow Puppets. For those of you that haven't read the Ender series: go to Hell. Because now I'm going into critiques that you'd have to be in the know to understand. The books were written in the following order:
Enders Game
Speak for the Dead
Xenocide
Children of the Mind
Enders shadow
shadow of the Hegemon
shadow Puppets
shadow of the Giants
Though they were written in that order, Enders Game and Enders shadow stand on their own. You could read either of these without reading any of the others. But I think you would find the most enjoyment from this series by reading Ender's Game then Ender's shadow.
Then decide which character you like better. If you like the bold leader with a weak but intelligent core the go with Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide and Children of the Mind, which is about Ender's quest to save an entire alien species. This series is not bad, and I ate this series up in three weeks or so at Job Corps.
For those who liked Bean (Enders best friend) There's the shadow series. Shadow of the Hegemon, shadow Puppets and shadow of the Giants, these books are completely different from the Ender series. From what I've read in shadow of the Hegemon, which I just finished, these books are about Ender's brother uniting the world under his power. Personally, I like Peter. His quest for power is all for a good cause, and so far he hasn't killed anyone with his own hands.
So enough of that, this post is getting extremely long. More later.
October 31, 2005
Hey everyone,
The reason I haven't been posting is two-fold. One: I've been incredibly busy at work, the past two days (28th & 29th) I got to train on Polaroid DVD players TV's etc. It is so much fun, I'm having such a great time at work now. Taking only the appliance calls has gotten so monotonous. A setting up service, transfer to parts line, 3 to 5 business days om 3-5, om, 3-5 om, lol. So this training is going great. The other part of the two is: apparently somebody got suspended for being online, in non-work related sites. So I write at grave risk of house and home.
In other news: To all a Happy Hallows Eve. Unfortunately I work :( Not that I would have done anything anyways. Oh yeah, and more beautiful news, right as I was walking out my door, it started poring down rain, so I got to use my umbrella for the first time :) So life, while lonely is going okay. I saw Malcom in the Middle the other day and there was this guy that spent all his time at a park playing chess with people who didn't like him. He was content because he didn't know any better. I guess ignorance truly is bliss, and that's what I'm going to try to do. I am going to tell myself that life is good and everything is happy, so even if I don't believe it now, I may be able to pile enough Bull onto my emotions so that I can actually believe that I am happy to be alone. I did that in high school when I didn't have to, but now I'm doing it out of necessity.
But really, I'm not all that depressed right now. And I'm having some fun at work. So how's everybody else??
The reason I haven't been posting is two-fold. One: I've been incredibly busy at work, the past two days (28th & 29th) I got to train on Polaroid DVD players TV's etc. It is so much fun, I'm having such a great time at work now. Taking only the appliance calls has gotten so monotonous. A setting up service, transfer to parts line, 3 to 5 business days om 3-5, om, 3-5 om, lol. So this training is going great. The other part of the two is: apparently somebody got suspended for being online, in non-work related sites. So I write at grave risk of house and home.
In other news: To all a Happy Hallows Eve. Unfortunately I work :( Not that I would have done anything anyways. Oh yeah, and more beautiful news, right as I was walking out my door, it started poring down rain, so I got to use my umbrella for the first time :) So life, while lonely is going okay. I saw Malcom in the Middle the other day and there was this guy that spent all his time at a park playing chess with people who didn't like him. He was content because he didn't know any better. I guess ignorance truly is bliss, and that's what I'm going to try to do. I am going to tell myself that life is good and everything is happy, so even if I don't believe it now, I may be able to pile enough Bull onto my emotions so that I can actually believe that I am happy to be alone. I did that in high school when I didn't have to, but now I'm doing it out of necessity.
But really, I'm not all that depressed right now. And I'm having some fun at work. So how's everybody else??
October 24, 2005
I'm trying to think about how to express my feeling without seeming like I'm wining. I feel the opposite of content. I feel tremulous, well maybe tremulous, but it's more perturbed than tremulous. Tremulous is more nervous for a reason, perturbed is more uneasy. That's how I really feel right now, uneasy.
My palms are sweaty, it could be the dreams I've been having the past couple of nights. I don't really remember last nights dream, though I know it involves the friends that I had during highschool. The night before I dreamt that I was in a pawn store, and I was picking out video games, and then I was picking out cigarettes. But then I left the store, I walked down the road which was a freeway in Eugene and I met with Shane, Opal, and another kid from Job Corps, I don't remember his name, he was Tony's bitch from what I remember. But I think it had to do with people coming in and out of each other's lives.
Then a dream after that, I'm scuba diving with I think Shane and Opal, and maybe my cousins. I don't remember exactly who, but it was people that I trusted completely. It's dark outside, and for some reason there's a ceiling above the water. The water is gray and stormy. There's a submarine involved in the dream, though I'm not sure where.
I think these dreams are telling me that I'm fearing the futility of it all. That no matter what we do or where we go, there is really no purpose. But also there is no substitution for true friends.
Honestly, I think God has given me all the chances at happiness that he's going to give me. I know this goes against my nominally agnostic principles, but in the perfect world God will give everybody chances to improve their lives, but only a certain number. So in my idealized vision of the super natural world, god has given me chances, and I have spit in his face. Now I live the rest of my life as a lowly cog in the corporate machine.
My palms are sweaty, it could be the dreams I've been having the past couple of nights. I don't really remember last nights dream, though I know it involves the friends that I had during highschool. The night before I dreamt that I was in a pawn store, and I was picking out video games, and then I was picking out cigarettes. But then I left the store, I walked down the road which was a freeway in Eugene and I met with Shane, Opal, and another kid from Job Corps, I don't remember his name, he was Tony's bitch from what I remember. But I think it had to do with people coming in and out of each other's lives.
Then a dream after that, I'm scuba diving with I think Shane and Opal, and maybe my cousins. I don't remember exactly who, but it was people that I trusted completely. It's dark outside, and for some reason there's a ceiling above the water. The water is gray and stormy. There's a submarine involved in the dream, though I'm not sure where.
I think these dreams are telling me that I'm fearing the futility of it all. That no matter what we do or where we go, there is really no purpose. But also there is no substitution for true friends.
Honestly, I think God has given me all the chances at happiness that he's going to give me. I know this goes against my nominally agnostic principles, but in the perfect world God will give everybody chances to improve their lives, but only a certain number. So in my idealized vision of the super natural world, god has given me chances, and I have spit in his face. Now I live the rest of my life as a lowly cog in the corporate machine.
October 22, 2005
So I was just reminiscing about Job Corps. In the old cliche' it was the best of time and the worst of times. Right now I'm thinking about the best of times. Job Corps was the one time in my life when I had friends. I had a group, a clique, I was someone. I had purpose in life. Oh what I wouldn't give for friends again.
Alas, I've decided that I want to do something today. I have some extra money, and I don't really want to go home and drink, I do that with every day off. I also don't feel like going to g-ma's tomorrow, but I know I'll end up doing that. I'm sick of playing video games, and I'm sick of seeking distraction and satisfaction through meaningless activities. I want to do something seeing a movie maybe, but there's nothing out that I want to see, plus what fun is going to movies alone. Maybe I'll see if Christina and Desmond (my cousins and her bf) want to do something. The trouble is what. Drinking is running it's course and now it's old. I could go shopping for the sake of shopping, but there's nothing that I really want or need, maybe egg nog, but nah. So what will follow is a brain storm, unless I get interrupted by a call, which of course I was, right in the middle of the word interrupted. So here it goes.
Brian Storm:
Movies
Video Games
Drinking
Concert
Grandma's
Shopping
Bar (damn, I'm too young)
Rent a movie
Call Jenn
Bowling (alone?)
Pool (is there a pool hall in this town?)
So it is decided, I will do nothing. I will be nothing, and all of the sudden I have a craving for crab. Maybe I'll see if g-ma and g-pa want to go to dinner tonight, my treat of course. Hmm Chinese, I won't have to eat for a week. Or maybe I could just go to safeway and spend 10 dollars on a crab. I really want crab, hmmmm, crab.
Alas, I've decided that I want to do something today. I have some extra money, and I don't really want to go home and drink, I do that with every day off. I also don't feel like going to g-ma's tomorrow, but I know I'll end up doing that. I'm sick of playing video games, and I'm sick of seeking distraction and satisfaction through meaningless activities. I want to do something seeing a movie maybe, but there's nothing out that I want to see, plus what fun is going to movies alone. Maybe I'll see if Christina and Desmond (my cousins and her bf) want to do something. The trouble is what. Drinking is running it's course and now it's old. I could go shopping for the sake of shopping, but there's nothing that I really want or need, maybe egg nog, but nah. So what will follow is a brain storm, unless I get interrupted by a call, which of course I was, right in the middle of the word interrupted. So here it goes.
Brian Storm:
Movies
Video Games
Drinking
Concert
Grandma's
Shopping
Bar (damn, I'm too young)
Rent a movie
Call Jenn
Bowling (alone?)
Pool (is there a pool hall in this town?)
So it is decided, I will do nothing. I will be nothing, and all of the sudden I have a craving for crab. Maybe I'll see if g-ma and g-pa want to go to dinner tonight, my treat of course. Hmm Chinese, I won't have to eat for a week. Or maybe I could just go to safeway and spend 10 dollars on a crab. I really want crab, hmmmm, crab.
So I just finished reading a book and I thought I'd give a little review.
The book was Dr. Death by some nameless mystery writer (do any of them have names.) It's about this psychologist who helps on a murder case. In the case a Jack Kavorkian parody is murdered and mutilated. They think it's the family of one of his "patients." And so the assumption goes for 300 pages or so, until they get a revelation from an FBI guy who tells them the murder fits a case he's been obsessing over for 10 years or so. Then the FBI guy isn't an FBI guy, but an excommunicated agent who was fired after he went crazy when his daughter died. Another part of the mystery is who actually killed the victim. The big secret: the person who actually killed Dr. death's victim who's family aledgedy murdered Dr. Death is a judge and neighbor of the victim because the female was having an affair with her teenage daughter. Okay, it's not even 7 am, I shouldn't even be awake for two hours. And my new name is: "not you."
Or so I'm called at least twice a day which is more than people say my real name. So from now on my name at work is: "not you"
The book was Dr. Death by some nameless mystery writer (do any of them have names.) It's about this psychologist who helps on a murder case. In the case a Jack Kavorkian parody is murdered and mutilated. They think it's the family of one of his "patients." And so the assumption goes for 300 pages or so, until they get a revelation from an FBI guy who tells them the murder fits a case he's been obsessing over for 10 years or so. Then the FBI guy isn't an FBI guy, but an excommunicated agent who was fired after he went crazy when his daughter died. Another part of the mystery is who actually killed the victim. The big secret: the person who actually killed Dr. death's victim who's family aledgedy murdered Dr. Death is a judge and neighbor of the victim because the female was having an affair with her teenage daughter. Okay, it's not even 7 am, I shouldn't even be awake for two hours. And my new name is: "not you."
Or so I'm called at least twice a day which is more than people say my real name. So from now on my name at work is: "not you"
October 20, 2005
So besides the inevitability of getting fired, they were 8 hours short on my goddam paycheck. I mean how dare they! I work hard for my money and all I have to show for it is $515 dollars? Lawyers make more than that an hour! Alas, I got another customer compliment today, so I hope my compliments cancel out my mistakes. Now I have 63 minutes to kill without a book. Things slow down here after 6, but we also go from 6 to 2 reps on haier, so I think I may get more calls. I have to go shopping today, but my uncle gave me wise advise. Never go shopping for food when you're hungry. Realistically, I have enough food, but I need milk and cookies. Hmmm milk and cookies sounds really good right now. But seriously, I need milk. I don't like going into safeway, too snooty, and no self checkout. Self checkout is the most amazing invention of the 21st century. Walmart has it, fred myers has it, safeway needs it. That's it, I'm going to safeway.com to tell them they need self check out.
I am going to get fired, it is inevitable. I am so afraid, I keep on making mistakes, when I shouldn't. These mistakes are piling up, and soon they will boil over and I will be without a job again. I am so afraid. I really need and want this job. I love this job and I'm so afraid to loose it. God help me, I'm near panic and I don't know what to do. It seems the harder I try, the more mistakes I make. I need to be perfect. I have to be perfect. Perfection is what I need right now. Somebody please help me. I am so afraid right now. I need to be perfect.
October 18, 2005
1. First name? Jason
2. Were you named after anyone? Jason from Friday the 13th
3. Do you wish on stars? not anymore, ah the innocence of childhood
4. When did you last cry? is there really a good answer to this question
5. Do you like your handwriting? yeah, because only I can read it
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? black forrest ham
7. What is your birth date? 8/19/85 same as Bill Clinton
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? La Miserables (high school choir practice)9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? sure
10. Do you have a journal? does a Blog count?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? only as a last r
12. What are your nicknames? Jay, j-j, dumbass (say my 13 y/o sis)
13. Would you bungee jump? sure, but base jumping would be more fun
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no
15. Do you think that you are strong? nah
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint without chocolate chips
18. Red or pink? crimson
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? just one?
20. Who do you miss most? my friend from Job Corps who's in iraq now treating our wounded
21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? nope, not gonna send this to anyone
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? black, all black
23. What are you listening to right now? The song from Kingdom Hearts that won't stop playing in my head
24. Last thing you ate? rodeo burger
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? forrest green, the green that everybody likes
26. What is the weather like right now? dark
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? some weird guy that called the wrong number at midnight
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their vocabulary
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep
30. Favorite drink? holiday pepsi and rum (yey, it's almost holiday pepsi time)
31. Favorite sport? pool, poker, bowling, golf
32. Hair color? brown almost black
33. Eye color? gray/blue
34. Contacts? I should get them
35. Favorite food? Izzy's pizza, I love their crust
36. Last movie watched? Patriot with Stephen Segal, not Mel Gibson
37. Favorite day of the year? winter solstice
38. Scary movies or Happy endings? sad endings
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Hugs or kisses? neither, because I can't I have both
41. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate marble cheesecake with raspberry sauce
42. Who is most likely to respond? I think I am the last person to get this email so everyone already has, No I am, so no one43. Who is least likely to respond? not sending to anyone
44. Living arrangements? alone
45. What books are you reading? Dr. Death and Blood Canticle
46. What's on your mouse pad? We're not good enough for mouse pads
47. What did you watch last night on TV? Leno
48. Favorite smells? rain, fresh cut grass, fresh cigarette smoke
49. Favorite sounds? *ding* Haier, ha ha ha
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles,
51. What's the farthest you've been from home? Maryland and Hawaii, Maryland felt further
52. Do you have a special talent? The amazing ability to explain auto search to a 90 y/o woman
2. Were you named after anyone? Jason from Friday the 13th
3. Do you wish on stars? not anymore, ah the innocence of childhood
4. When did you last cry? is there really a good answer to this question
5. Do you like your handwriting? yeah, because only I can read it
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? black forrest ham
7. What is your birth date? 8/19/85 same as Bill Clinton
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? La Miserables (high school choir practice)9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? sure
10. Do you have a journal? does a Blog count?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? only as a last r
12. What are your nicknames? Jay, j-j, dumbass (say my 13 y/o sis)
13. Would you bungee jump? sure, but base jumping would be more fun
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no
15. Do you think that you are strong? nah
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint without chocolate chips
18. Red or pink? crimson
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? just one?
20. Who do you miss most? my friend from Job Corps who's in iraq now treating our wounded
21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? nope, not gonna send this to anyone
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? black, all black
23. What are you listening to right now? The song from Kingdom Hearts that won't stop playing in my head
24. Last thing you ate? rodeo burger
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? forrest green, the green that everybody likes
26. What is the weather like right now? dark
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? some weird guy that called the wrong number at midnight
28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their vocabulary
29. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yep
30. Favorite drink? holiday pepsi and rum (yey, it's almost holiday pepsi time)
31. Favorite sport? pool, poker, bowling, golf
32. Hair color? brown almost black
33. Eye color? gray/blue
34. Contacts? I should get them
35. Favorite food? Izzy's pizza, I love their crust
36. Last movie watched? Patriot with Stephen Segal, not Mel Gibson
37. Favorite day of the year? winter solstice
38. Scary movies or Happy endings? sad endings
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Hugs or kisses? neither, because I can't I have both
41. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate marble cheesecake with raspberry sauce
42. Who is most likely to respond? I think I am the last person to get this email so everyone already has, No I am, so no one43. Who is least likely to respond? not sending to anyone
44. Living arrangements? alone
45. What books are you reading? Dr. Death and Blood Canticle
46. What's on your mouse pad? We're not good enough for mouse pads
47. What did you watch last night on TV? Leno
48. Favorite smells? rain, fresh cut grass, fresh cigarette smoke
49. Favorite sounds? *ding* Haier, ha ha ha
50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles,
51. What's the farthest you've been from home? Maryland and Hawaii, Maryland felt further
52. Do you have a special talent? The amazing ability to explain auto search to a 90 y/o woman
To everybody and nobody, but mostly to myself:
I am so acutely depressed today. It's not something like: oh I hate my life I want to end it etc. It's more like: why am I here? Is there a reason I'm alone? Will I always be alone? I know there's a noble phrase for what I'm feeling. Divine obscurity.
There's a good phrase, somehow the word divine makes even the most bland of phrases seem Nobel. Divine nobility, there's a good phrase. Wouldn't that be the pope and his minions? Divine minions, that's not a good phrase, that would be like Holy Hellraisers (that's a pretty phrase)
So back to my original phrase: divine obscurity. Some days I wish I was messed up, because the mentally ill never feel this guilt or their mortality as hard as I do. Alas, mortality beckons.
I am so acutely depressed today. It's not something like: oh I hate my life I want to end it etc. It's more like: why am I here? Is there a reason I'm alone? Will I always be alone? I know there's a noble phrase for what I'm feeling. Divine obscurity.
There's a good phrase, somehow the word divine makes even the most bland of phrases seem Nobel. Divine nobility, there's a good phrase. Wouldn't that be the pope and his minions? Divine minions, that's not a good phrase, that would be like Holy Hellraisers (that's a pretty phrase)
So back to my original phrase: divine obscurity. Some days I wish I was messed up, because the mentally ill never feel this guilt or their mortality as hard as I do. Alas, mortality beckons.
October 17, 2005
To answer Gregg's questions: I did have some trouble in school up until 10th grade or so. I could never seem to turn in assignments on time, so my first two years of high school I had something like a 1.2 GPA. Then in 10th grade I found "herbal" remedies for depression, etc. I always thought that to be one of the great ironies of my life. That the further I got into herbs, the better my grades got.
To answer his other question: I have talked to various counselors etc. They never told me anything worth any value. Besides, real therapy is expensive. While I was at Job Corps, I was on Paxil, and that helped to a certain extent, I was more social, but no less socially inept. I just wasn't as afraid of making mistakes, and when I did it wasn't as big a deal. It was as if Paxil took away my obsessive way that I tend to worry about problems, and replaced it with gross indifference. That's why I gained 60 lbs. At Job Corps, it's all so clear now! Paxil was my savior and my destructor.
Alas, work beckons, so I must depart. Thanks Gregg for your interest.
To answer his other question: I have talked to various counselors etc. They never told me anything worth any value. Besides, real therapy is expensive. While I was at Job Corps, I was on Paxil, and that helped to a certain extent, I was more social, but no less socially inept. I just wasn't as afraid of making mistakes, and when I did it wasn't as big a deal. It was as if Paxil took away my obsessive way that I tend to worry about problems, and replaced it with gross indifference. That's why I gained 60 lbs. At Job Corps, it's all so clear now! Paxil was my savior and my destructor.
Alas, work beckons, so I must depart. Thanks Gregg for your interest.
Because I'm not witty enough, to start this post, I'm going to start with my favorite cliche':
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The Good: I've been selected for cross training, as far as I know, no pay raise
The Bad: It's Monday, what else is there to say
The Ugly: I made horrible disgusting mistakes on my calls on Saturday.
The Goal Today: No mistakes :) A perfect day!
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The Good: I've been selected for cross training, as far as I know, no pay raise
The Bad: It's Monday, what else is there to say
The Ugly: I made horrible disgusting mistakes on my calls on Saturday.
The Goal Today: No mistakes :) A perfect day!
October 15, 2005
There is a reason I don't talk to anybody. Because when I do talk, I invariably say something that I'll regret. It doesn't matter what I say or whom I say it to, I always say something that I regret. That is why I don't talk to anybody, that's why I keep my mouth shut. Not because I'm shy, not because I'm timid, but because I'm socially inept! I don't know what I can say in a given situation, and what I cannot! Is there no cure social ineptness?!?
The World is Possesed!!!
OMG! Why can't I get one normal call today? How about an in-warrenty parts call, or a happy service call, or even a little old lady confused about her TV. All day long, angry customers, possessed freezers. And my least favorite caller of all: Angry southern women.
God why can I net get one normal call?!?
So I digress, where would I be in life without a string of bad days?
Oh I feel so inadequate today. Just a string of bad calls makes me feel like I'm not able to do my Job. I feel like nothing, I feel lower than nothing. I feel that these people call for my help, and I'm unable to help them. I wish SCM service people had the same oath that doctors have, to help people to the best of their ability etc. etc. etc. Then I would be able to do my very best to help these csm's instead of following procedure.
I'm tired and lonely. Not exactly synonymous, but then seem to go together with me a lot. This day just keeps on dragging, and I've only been here three hours. It feels like I've been here for days. Every minute feel like an hour and an hour a day.
In other news, I saw the preview for the new Harry Potter movie. At the risk of sounding immature: OMG I can't wait to see it. I don't care what I work the day it comes out, or the next day I'm going to see it right after work. It's only another month, but I can't wait to see it. It looks so amazing. Besides, the goblet of fire was the best book, so it's logical to assume that it will be the best movie.
So as the day drags on and on and on and on into oblivion I'll write more.
I'm tired and lonely. Not exactly synonymous, but then seem to go together with me a lot. This day just keeps on dragging, and I've only been here three hours. It feels like I've been here for days. Every minute feel like an hour and an hour a day.
In other news, I saw the preview for the new Harry Potter movie. At the risk of sounding immature: OMG I can't wait to see it. I don't care what I work the day it comes out, or the next day I'm going to see it right after work. It's only another month, but I can't wait to see it. It looks so amazing. Besides, the goblet of fire was the best book, so it's logical to assume that it will be the best movie.
So as the day drags on and on and on and on into oblivion I'll write more.
October 14, 2005
So I took my bi-weekly color quiz (http://www.colorquiz.com) and it came up with an interesting little tid-bit on me that I think I should write about:
"The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities."
This made me realize that the reason I do a lot of things is because I fear that I won't be able to achieve what I really want.
It's the reason I:
Smoke
Drink
Watch TV
Play video games
Read
Watch Sports
Make small talk
Eat in excess
Talk to my family
Work
Shop
Hope
Contemplate nothingness
Take the color quiz
and
the
list
goes
on
....
...
..
.
"The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities."
This made me realize that the reason I do a lot of things is because I fear that I won't be able to achieve what I really want.
It's the reason I:
Smoke
Drink
Watch TV
Play video games
Read
Watch Sports
Make small talk
Eat in excess
Talk to my family
Work
Shop
Hope
Contemplate nothingness
Take the color quiz
and
the
list
goes
on
....
...
..
.
This is the kind of epiphany that alters my view of myself and the world. Life in the pursuit of distraction. There is no long any such thing as happiness,
LIFE IS THE PURSUIT OF DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the point of life now? There is none! The futility of life is consuming my every breath, god give me meaning!
My quest for independence is now complete. I now have my mail box key, and now everything that I need is mine. Alas, I still have to work. The good news is: wrestling's on tonight. The first show that I really wanted to watch on cable, and now I get to watch it. So: my transition to Independence is now complete.
In other news: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz now I know my abc's next time won't you sing with me? You won't? Why not? You should sing with me. You really should, it's a lot of fun. It isn't? Yes it is! IT IS TOO! YES IT IS!!!
Ah boredom, isn't it fun. It's bottom of the barrel last of the first, best of the worst and worst of the best. The happiest of the sad and the saddest of the happy. Somewhere and everywhere in between here and there and this and that and first and last and back and forth.
Let's contemplate nothingness. This is what Shane told me to do to meditate. Nothingness is not blackness or grey, it's absolutely nothing, no existence, no consciousness, no awareness. Nothing, no hot or cold, but it's not warm either. It's not the word no and it's not the word nothingness because nothingness by nature cannot of a name or a nature. To perceive nothingness is to perceive god, but again nothingness is imperceptible (is that a word) like the anarchist part nothingness is truly an oxy-moron. Because to perceive nothingness makes it something. And something cannot be nothing.
Wow, I've been working on this since 1:40, now it's almost lunch time. I want chicken fries for lunch! Hmmm, chicken fries.
In other news: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz now I know my abc's next time won't you sing with me? You won't? Why not? You should sing with me. You really should, it's a lot of fun. It isn't? Yes it is! IT IS TOO! YES IT IS!!!
Ah boredom, isn't it fun. It's bottom of the barrel last of the first, best of the worst and worst of the best. The happiest of the sad and the saddest of the happy. Somewhere and everywhere in between here and there and this and that and first and last and back and forth.
Let's contemplate nothingness. This is what Shane told me to do to meditate. Nothingness is not blackness or grey, it's absolutely nothing, no existence, no consciousness, no awareness. Nothing, no hot or cold, but it's not warm either. It's not the word no and it's not the word nothingness because nothingness by nature cannot of a name or a nature. To perceive nothingness is to perceive god, but again nothingness is imperceptible (is that a word) like the anarchist part nothingness is truly an oxy-moron. Because to perceive nothingness makes it something. And something cannot be nothing.
Wow, I've been working on this since 1:40, now it's almost lunch time. I want chicken fries for lunch! Hmmm, chicken fries.
October 13, 2005
I was reading through my old blog and I found this poem that I wrote sometime during senior year of high school.
Cast me out, I just don't care.
I thought I was one of you, but not any more.
Don't know why I wanted it, it was way too nice for me.
I hate you, you should die.
It was you that made me cry!
F*** you and your friend.
until the bitter end.
I'll hate you 'till you die.
You have held me back.
You kept me off my track.
Now after weeks of mourning.
After releasing all my sadness.
All that's left is madness.
Now I'm left with me.
For all the world to see.
Look at me and judge.
But I won't forget my grudge.
Someday I'll watch you die.
I was you who made me cry.
I'll never forget,
I'll never forgive.
For you have left a scar.
You have left your mark.
I will never forget this.
Never, Never! NEVER!!!!!
So now that you've read the extent of my anger, or how bad it once was what do you think? I think it's good poetry, it conveys without reserve the anger and betrayal I felt. I don't think there is any real need to relive the why and how of that poem, that was a bad time in life. In fact I heard the name Melanie today and it brought back all those bad emotions in me. Aaah, I hate those feelings. Just wanted to share that you people.
Cast me out, I just don't care.
I thought I was one of you, but not any more.
Don't know why I wanted it, it was way too nice for me.
I hate you, you should die.
It was you that made me cry!
F*** you and your friend.
until the bitter end.
I'll hate you 'till you die.
You have held me back.
You kept me off my track.
Now after weeks of mourning.
After releasing all my sadness.
All that's left is madness.
Now I'm left with me.
For all the world to see.
Look at me and judge.
But I won't forget my grudge.
Someday I'll watch you die.
I was you who made me cry.
I'll never forget,
I'll never forgive.
For you have left a scar.
You have left your mark.
I will never forget this.
Never, Never! NEVER!!!!!
So now that you've read the extent of my anger, or how bad it once was what do you think? I think it's good poetry, it conveys without reserve the anger and betrayal I felt. I don't think there is any real need to relive the why and how of that poem, that was a bad time in life. In fact I heard the name Melanie today and it brought back all those bad emotions in me. Aaah, I hate those feelings. Just wanted to share that you people.
So I'm thinking about shaving my mustache, I think it's time. It just doesn't look good anymore, ugh. I was looking at my face just now for the first time in weeks and I realize how disgusting I look with zits and pock marks etc. It's just plane gross! I mean eeww no wonder no body likes me, they can't stand to look at me! UGH!
Ahh it itches! I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's going on. But ever since I moved into my new apartment my entire body has been invaded with tiny like tiny tiny, like barely visible red bumps. I'm not sure if it's excima, dry skin or what. But I'm sure I don't want to spend $$$ on a doctor for something that's probably minor. Any thoughts anybody? Any cure all creams? I know benedryl cream and anti-itch cream might help, but it might make it worse, so if anybody has any thoughts, reply!
In other non-news: I'm tired, I'm really tired because I haven't had 2 minutes between calls all day long. Right now I'm on luck at 4:30 in the afternoon, just wanting to sleep but ugh I can't. I guess that's part of work, as soon as you feel comfortable in a job, you have a day like today. Today isn't that bad actually, it just feels so looooooooooooooooooong. Like 8 pm will never come.
And I'm not sure if I want to go to Target or safeway just for cream that may not work. I tried Lubriderm last night (the stuff that they give you at Job Corps for any dry skin) and it relieved it for a few minutes, but I think the only reason it did was for the cooling affect, that's why I'm thinking it might be a heat rash. AHH I need help, and I don't want to go to the doctor. And these bumps are everywhere from my forehead to my neck and chest and stomach and legs and others, even on my palms.
So basically everyone I need advice. Reply soon!!
In other non-news: I'm tired, I'm really tired because I haven't had 2 minutes between calls all day long. Right now I'm on luck at 4:30 in the afternoon, just wanting to sleep but ugh I can't. I guess that's part of work, as soon as you feel comfortable in a job, you have a day like today. Today isn't that bad actually, it just feels so looooooooooooooooooong. Like 8 pm will never come.
And I'm not sure if I want to go to Target or safeway just for cream that may not work. I tried Lubriderm last night (the stuff that they give you at Job Corps for any dry skin) and it relieved it for a few minutes, but I think the only reason it did was for the cooling affect, that's why I'm thinking it might be a heat rash. AHH I need help, and I don't want to go to the doctor. And these bumps are everywhere from my forehead to my neck and chest and stomach and legs and others, even on my palms.
So basically everyone I need advice. Reply soon!!
October 11, 2005
So I'm too tired to move right now and I still have an hour and a half left in work. I'm not really hungry right now because I ate lunch for the first time in weeks. I really wanted to go home and drink my night away. But I have to go to the store tonight to buy grandma a birthday present, and get cash for the cable guy tomorrow. I don't feel like walking all the way to Fred Myers, but it seems they would be the best option, because I can get the cash there, and birthday present/card, and ranch dressing and pop. I may even have to get a shopping cart, lol. I'm almost excited if I wasn't so goddamned tired. I know sitting on your butt all day doesn't seem like a lot of work, but 9 1/2 hours is 9 1/2 hours whether you're loading bricks or answering phones. Oh yeah, the point I forgot, I actually started this post a half hour ago, and I keep on getting interrupted by pesky work. Lol, I'm still not sure if I want to go the store. I know I have to, and I know I'll have to force myself to go to the store, just because I don't like to be in public alone. Alas, maybe I'll make a bit of a night of it. I'll go the blockbuster, then I'll go to Fred Myers, or maybe I'll go see a movie in the middle of a Wednesday night. The trouble is I'm doing this alone, all alone. It's so easy to talk about what I'm going to do, when in reality, if I make it to Fred Myers at all, I'll probably just buy my ranch hit the ATM and go home. Maybe I'll do a lot of things, but probably I'll go home and drink one or two beers then go to bed. But I need to go to the ATM. I may be able to do it tomorrow, and I probably will, but I want to do something tonight. I kinda want pizza, or maybe fish sticks, or maybe just left over deli from safeway or Fred Myers. But what I will get is pop, ranch, cash, and a birthday present and maybe a card and a pizza. UGH! I am so mundane it's ridiculous. Thursday, Thursday I promise you something exciting, even if I have to make it up it will be exciting!
So not much to talk about emotionally. Emotionally I'm content today. So instead I'll talk about what I'm going to do today. Today I have to go shopping. Shopping on my own for the first time. I need cash, a birthday present for grandma, and ranch dressing, maybe something for dinner too, a newspaper maybe. By the way, I cooked for the first time in my new apartment this morning fried eggs and toast. How blissfully mundane.
The trouble with eating before work is that I'm hungry again before lunch, and I never eat lunch so there is a good 2-3 hours when I'm really hungry.
So a tentative shopping list:
$46.60 cash for cable
b-day present for grandma
ranch dressing
pizza, hmmm pizza
yeah I want pizza
pop, pop is good :)
The trouble with eating before work is that I'm hungry again before lunch, and I never eat lunch so there is a good 2-3 hours when I'm really hungry.
So a tentative shopping list:
$46.60 cash for cable
b-day present for grandma
ranch dressing
pizza, hmmm pizza
yeah I want pizza
pop, pop is good :)
October 10, 2005
Sorry for that rambling undirected post from earlier today. Now I'm less distracted, if less organized than before. So I'm sick of talking about loneliness. Loneliness is a waste of time, and as long as I'm around people, I can usually let myself pretend that they're talking to me. Alone at night in my apartment, my mind is free to wander to all those pessimistic thoughts that permeate at existence. I just feel so alone and the more I live the more I realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. It's true that I may be self centered, and it's also true that I sabotage all the happiness that I may have in life. I'm working on that slowly, but I'm sure happiness and the end to eternal loneliness will soon come.
No Quick Fixes
(except Paxil)
Why is there no quick fix to all my social problems? Actually, I think there is, I was on Paxil for the entire time I was at Job Corps, and I made all my best friends in life there. The point: Mind altering Rx drugs are the key to social conformity. In high school, I did everything I could to avoid conformity, as if it were a plague and it would do irreparable harm to me if I conformed. But it wouldn't. Now all I want is to conform into exactly what society wants of me. I want to be the good little man, go to work, go home, spend money, and rack up the all American debt. Well maybe not the debt part, but all the other stuff definitely.
The real trouble is that I'm fighting my own mortality, and I realize that all we do between birth and death is all distraction. I know I have friends that care about me, and I may be pushing them away. Alas, as of now my mind is distracted. I think I want to go shopping after work, maybe hit safeway for a pizza, and I also need ranch. Or I could have that chicken that g-ma got me last night.
Ha ha, blissful distractions. Spending money I don't really have etc. BTW giving cigarettes to a boss in need, is always a good carrier choice :)
October 08, 2005
So I did something incredibly stupid, and I'm sure it won't have any consequences, but it will bug me forever. I asked a coworker for the solution to my beer problem. Now I feel incredibly stupid and guilty. But I guess this will help me shed light on real problems.
Alas, I'll try not to stress on it too much. I just really, really hope that this doesn't affect me too bad.
Alas, I'll try not to stress on it too much. I just really, really hope that this doesn't affect me too bad.
Why is it that at age 20 I can vote, fight and die for my country, get married and enter into life long contracts, live on my own, smoke and gamble, and I can't buy my own beer! This is completely ludicrous. I'm living on my own in a town where I don't know anybody and all I want is a case of beer to keep me company!
So this is a desperate plea to any real american who is fed up with this law that says I can't fight and DIE for my country, but can't buy my own beer!
If anybody in or around Albany, Oregon wants to heed my call for americanism reply to this post before 2:30 PM today.
So this is a desperate plea to any real american who is fed up with this law that says I can't fight and DIE for my country, but can't buy my own beer!
If anybody in or around Albany, Oregon wants to heed my call for americanism reply to this post before 2:30 PM today.
A call for beer!
A call for beer in the Albany Oregon area! I'm 20 and I have my own apartment, now I need beer! No friends in the area, and I need beer! So if you live in or around Albany Oregon and are interested in making profit for helping out a responsible adult work around an archaic law. Reply to this post before 2:30 PM Pacific Standard Time!
October 07, 2005
Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands if I can post four times a day, and I must be really naive to think that people actually care. But the point right now: Is there fate or destiny or even serendipity? That is my question right now, that's all I have to ask that's all I have to say. I'm bored to death right now, and with boredom usually comes depression, but I'm trying to snap out of that.
So the original reason I wanted to post today: I had a dream last night, and it was all about lost loves. It was about loves that should have been but weren't. And I realized that life, or god or destiny has thrown at me, so many opportunities for love and happiness and I've always ignored them or ran from them. The specific person last night was Jennifer Bauer, my first and most important crush of my life. And this pains me to remember, but one day during 7th grand, I got a note from her best friend saying that Jennifer liked me, etc. But I threw it away because I "knew" it was a fake, or somebody was trying to be mean to me. I knew it with all that I was that it was fake, but I still regret it today that I never found out for sure. But isn't that what life is all about: regret and missed opportunities.
Thank you oh guru of psychology, whoever you are. You very well might be Shane (best friends from Job Corps), but I think he's in Iraq at this point. As for Jenn (best online friend ever), it's very possible. Sue (cousin) maybe, but she wouldn't care, also she's not so obsessed over ruling the world, also she wouldn't give me that smart comment. Though it might be sue, we do acknowledge each other's intelligence. But it again it won't be her because if she started a blog she would actually write in it.
So my new theory: it's shane, it has to be, he's blunt and smart, and may comment on this even from Iraq.
But the point of this post: I've acknowledged that I'm self centered and I push people away to avoid pain. I'm sick of that because the pain of loneliness is now far, far worse than any pain that people might cause me. Now I'm still alone and in pain. I've known that I need deep psychological help for a long time. But oh anonymous helper, is there a quick fix for all these social problems that I'm facing? Is there a way to cut myself loose from all these chains that have bonded me to isolation for so long. I realize that it's not going to be easy, nothing good in life is easy. (or so they say) Oh anonymous helper, what can I do aside from years of therapy?
So my new theory: it's shane, it has to be, he's blunt and smart, and may comment on this even from Iraq.
But the point of this post: I've acknowledged that I'm self centered and I push people away to avoid pain. I'm sick of that because the pain of loneliness is now far, far worse than any pain that people might cause me. Now I'm still alone and in pain. I've known that I need deep psychological help for a long time. But oh anonymous helper, is there a quick fix for all these social problems that I'm facing? Is there a way to cut myself loose from all these chains that have bonded me to isolation for so long. I realize that it's not going to be easy, nothing good in life is easy. (or so they say) Oh anonymous helper, what can I do aside from years of therapy?
So maybe I am a little self centered. If that was my biggest flaw, I would be happy. But as we all know happiness is not an emotion I have in abundance.
But now that I think about it, if I wasn't so self centered, I might have more friends. Alas, who cares anymore.
For what it's worth, I spent my first night in my new apartment last night. It was okay, but I thought people would care, but they really don't. But going back to that self centered comment, maybe if I cared about other people, they would care about me. BTW, is the person that replies to my posts, Opal? I thought so. Though I've never known Opal to be so blunt.
Now that I've realized that I'm self centered, how can I change it? How can I talk to people now, and give them a new impression of me? How can I break the ice all over again?
But now that I think about it, if I wasn't so self centered, I might have more friends. Alas, who cares anymore.
For what it's worth, I spent my first night in my new apartment last night. It was okay, but I thought people would care, but they really don't. But going back to that self centered comment, maybe if I cared about other people, they would care about me. BTW, is the person that replies to my posts, Opal? I thought so. Though I've never known Opal to be so blunt.
Now that I've realized that I'm self centered, how can I change it? How can I talk to people now, and give them a new impression of me? How can I break the ice all over again?
October 04, 2005
Why am I so depressed today? I just can't snap out of it. I feel despair flowing through me, I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I know nobody reads this, and I really do care. This is like writing an e-mail to nobody. It's so depressing. What's even more depressing is that when people actually talk to me, I clam up with fear. God help me, please, I'm so sick of being alone!
I'm depressed and I want to go home, I'm alone and it will never change. Forever and a day I'll pursue the quest for the end of eternal loneliness. I don't even care any more, that nobody knows I'm alive, I want to close my eyes and cry forever. Ugh, I know I'm depressing and trying to be poetic. But if somebody actually read this they would just laugh at me. Everyone thinks they're alone, but they're not really alone. I'm just sick of sitting here, staring at a computer "helping" people. There is no help for the world, it is an endless series of disappointments right up until that final disappointment.
Ha, I was told that I have professionalism today. What will that get me socially? So what if I actually feel for these people still. Who cares that I actually want to help these people. I do it for such a selfish reason, I do it for money. But money won't buy happiness, I've realized that. Money will make me fat and unattractive.
Alas, there is happiness for the empathetically and lonely.
Ha, I was told that I have professionalism today. What will that get me socially? So what if I actually feel for these people still. Who cares that I actually want to help these people. I do it for such a selfish reason, I do it for money. But money won't buy happiness, I've realized that. Money will make me fat and unattractive.
Alas, there is happiness for the empathetically and lonely.
Why is it that I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely?
Why is this such a familiar feeling for me. It seems that no matter where I go or who I'm with I'm still the one alone. I try convince myself that I like it this way. That I don't like anybody and I don't want anybody to like me.
That attitude got me through high school, with spectacular failure.
High School
High school was all about emotion, the humiliation and rejection, the transcendent happiness. I used to long for someone, anyone. I had a phrase that I used to use: someone with whom all time seems to stop, with whom now and then, before and after doesn't exist. Where mindless lust consumed all in the blind pursuit of mystic happiness.
Why is this such a familiar feeling for me. It seems that no matter where I go or who I'm with I'm still the one alone. I try convince myself that I like it this way. That I don't like anybody and I don't want anybody to like me.
That attitude got me through high school, with spectacular failure.
High School
High school was all about emotion, the humiliation and rejection, the transcendent happiness. I used to long for someone, anyone. I had a phrase that I used to use: someone with whom all time seems to stop, with whom now and then, before and after doesn't exist. Where mindless lust consumed all in the blind pursuit of mystic happiness.
October 03, 2005
So it doesn't look like anybody's reading my blog yet :( That's okay, I created this to have a sane alternative to talking to myself. Don't you hate it when you get an itch that you just can't scratch, because you don't know quite where it's coming from? That's what life is doing to me now. Now that I have everything set up, I have no goals.
There is no more direction in my life other than gaining more material stuff. There is no more big adventures for me left in life.
I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. Of course there is that occasional flare of hope, though I haven't even had that in a while. I find myself lowering my standards in a woman lower and lower, and soon I'll take any woman that shows even the smallest bit of interest in me.
I know this statement reeks of desperation, and maybe I am, but I could always distract myself from those problems with other problems . . . . Alas now I can wallow in self pity while worshiping the god of alcohol. I just hope I can balance alcoholism with work. I hope I can afford it.
Isn't it incredibly sad that my current goal is to become a closet alcoholic?
I HAVE NO GOALS!
There is no more direction in my life other than gaining more material stuff. There is no more big adventures for me left in life.
I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. Of course there is that occasional flare of hope, though I haven't even had that in a while. I find myself lowering my standards in a woman lower and lower, and soon I'll take any woman that shows even the smallest bit of interest in me.
I know this statement reeks of desperation, and maybe I am, but I could always distract myself from those problems with other problems . . . . Alas now I can wallow in self pity while worshiping the god of alcohol. I just hope I can balance alcoholism with work. I hope I can afford it.
Isn't it incredibly sad that my current goal is to become a closet alcoholic?
Is there any more fun left in life?
October 02, 2005
It's so bitterly funny how some things work out. Just days before I move into my own apt. To be on my lonely own for the first time ever, I forget my key to get into my work, so now I have to depend on my g-parents to bring me my key. To put this on record, I swear to myself forever that I will never, ever forget my key again.
October 01, 2005
The transformation from urban hell to rural bliss. . . .
In that year, I have gone from coastal town isolation to urban anonymity, to rural bliss. But it was not to be. High school was a tremulous time for me. And one day I may write a long detailed rambling monologue about high school. For now, just the main points.
In that year, I have gone from coastal town isolation to urban anonymity, to rural bliss. But it was not to be. High school was a tremulous time for me. And one day I may write a long detailed rambling monologue about high school. For now, just the main points.
- 1999-I entered high school still trying to cope with earlier epiphanies
- 1999-2001 Spent two years playing the looser with no friends
- 2002 Found herbal support system, oddly enough, my grades went up
- 2002 Discovered a passion for journalism
- 4/2003 Herbal support system/journalism collided, support system won
- Graduated high school, the same looser that came in, marginally more educated
So there's high school. Such a seemingly complex time in life. Why do we all long for those times again?
For six months after high school, I wandered my mind in search of something good. There was nothing. There's still nothing for what it matters.
Eventually, I found Job Corps. The refuge for high school drop outs, and the looser elite. 14 months in relegated hell, learning how to cook for the ungrateful. Steadily gaining weight, so that after 4 months, I was up 60 lbs.
For six months after job corps I once again searched my mind for something good. Meanwhile, I take two different jobs. The first one on a cruise ship as an asset. Cook, that lasted a week before the head chef successfully killed my will to cook. Even after that disaster, I managed to get another cooking job paying six cents an hour more, working at an alzheimers care facility. That lasted a month, before I realized that I didn't want to cook. Actually I got fired, and then I decided I didn't want to cook.
So I was unemployed for a month, cursing myself everyday for loosing a "good" job. Now I'm here . . . . Working for a customer service center making good money for sitting down all day. I was just approved for an apartment about a half mile away, and now that I finally have money figured out . . . . . I feel empty.
Funny how much more sane a blog seems, than an "open diary". Alas, it's time to move on with my life.
But first a little bio, for anybody who cares:
I was born on the Oregon coast in the middle of that gluttonous decade, the 80's. The first 10 years of my life I lived submerged in the naivete of childhood. I knew I was the fat boy that got picked on, but childhood angst is so blissfully mild.
When I was 13 I was yanked out of my tiny coastal town, where my roots were so delicately taking hold, and thrown into the middle of a hot dry, yet fertile urban valley. Cast into a school system where I was barely a number, just another face, and I couldn't quite bare it.
It was during my 13th year that I came to an epiphany that would be the basis of my existence for the next 6 years: I would rather be hated than ignored.
That year was also the year I discovery the power of words. It fascinated me, that a nobody like myself, completely ignored for most of my life could get so much attention just by saying the right (or wrong) words. Come to think of it, my 13th year was a pivotal year in the development of who I am. It was that year that I became a person, rather than a child.
And the two events of my 13th year that made me who I am. First: the father whom I had never met, died at age 38, of a weak liver and heart, the guy died a fat alcoholic. Like I said I had never met the guy, but my fantasy of leaving my life behind, of having a father who cared about me etc. died with him. Second: I got expelled from school for speaking my mind on a subject that wasn't exactly popular. Fine so I made a threat at school that people took seriously. Ironically enough, that little incident thought me to play devils advocate, and people will listen.
So enough about the fabled 13th year. The end consequence of both incidents: I moved 30 miles away from that urban hell, and into rural bliss. Or so it should have been.
It is here that I must pause my narrative. But I assure you, it will continue.
But first a little bio, for anybody who cares:
I was born on the Oregon coast in the middle of that gluttonous decade, the 80's. The first 10 years of my life I lived submerged in the naivete of childhood. I knew I was the fat boy that got picked on, but childhood angst is so blissfully mild.
When I was 13 I was yanked out of my tiny coastal town, where my roots were so delicately taking hold, and thrown into the middle of a hot dry, yet fertile urban valley. Cast into a school system where I was barely a number, just another face, and I couldn't quite bare it.
It was during my 13th year that I came to an epiphany that would be the basis of my existence for the next 6 years: I would rather be hated than ignored.
That year was also the year I discovery the power of words. It fascinated me, that a nobody like myself, completely ignored for most of my life could get so much attention just by saying the right (or wrong) words. Come to think of it, my 13th year was a pivotal year in the development of who I am. It was that year that I became a person, rather than a child.
And the two events of my 13th year that made me who I am. First: the father whom I had never met, died at age 38, of a weak liver and heart, the guy died a fat alcoholic. Like I said I had never met the guy, but my fantasy of leaving my life behind, of having a father who cared about me etc. died with him. Second: I got expelled from school for speaking my mind on a subject that wasn't exactly popular. Fine so I made a threat at school that people took seriously. Ironically enough, that little incident thought me to play devils advocate, and people will listen.
So enough about the fabled 13th year. The end consequence of both incidents: I moved 30 miles away from that urban hell, and into rural bliss. Or so it should have been.
It is here that I must pause my narrative. But I assure you, it will continue.
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